Homosexuality

This is a paper that I wrote for a class last semester. Excuse the casual language, it was for Philosophy, Theology, and Ethics so I wasn’t too picky with grammar/wording.
What would you do and/or say if your brother came out of the closet? What if it were someone who was a bit harder to love? Say your neighbor, or a church member. What about someone you dislike? How would you react? Would it change how you saw him/her and how highly you regarded him/her? Furthermore, what action would you take? Maybe you would turn a blind eye, maybe you would be accepting, or maybe you would even be supportive of his declaration. Would you try to forcing him to be straight and make the morally correct decision or would you let him make his own decisions and live his own life?
Homosexuality is an extremely controversial topic. The country disagrees on homosexuality, the state disagrees on homosexuality, even the Christian Church disagrees on homosexuality. What are we to do? This is not a small issue that can be overlooked, it must be directly addressed. People are dismissed from the military, shunned from society, and even looked down upon in church for revealing their sexual orientation.
There are many disputes on homosexuality. The Nation is currently arguing whether or not gays should be allowed into the military. In 1993 the Pentagon established a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding to gays enlisting and being allowed to rightfully defend their country. Now people are calling for it to be repealed due to military service being a right instead of a privilege. The states are battling whether or not to allow gay marriages, as California made obvious last year with Prop 8 which is being rewritten as homosexuals and homosexual supporters claim some voters did not fully understand the Proposition. The Church members are fighting the topic, trying to decide if it is morally acceptable or not.
Although President Obama indicated that he would eventually repeal “don’t ask, don’t tell” during his campaign last year, he has not made any moves since he took office and the White House has said that it won’t stop the military from dismissing gays and lesbians who admit their sexuality. The Democratic Party does not wish to currently outright ban homosexuals from entering the military because it caused problems for them as well as President Clinton when DADT was first passed. People have said that everyday DADT is kept in act our nation is robbed over more and more brave men and women who are willing to fight for their country, that it is legalizing discrimination, and event that it’s a travesty of justice and something that every judge on the Supreme Court should be ashamed of. However, the House Armed Services Chairman is reviewing the law to see if it is “still appropriate for today’s military” (Laura).
The state faces the issue of whether or not to legalize same sex marriages. Gays present the fact that they feel like they will never be able to feel as if they are married through civil unions. When Tracy Tierney was in the hospital she was asked for her marital status and when she replied that she was in a civil union the nurse marked the ‘single’ box. Tracy replied that she was “more married than single”, leaving the nurse quite flustered. If they were allowed to be married to one another there would not be such a dispute over the issue because after all, marriage is marriage, everyone knows what it means. At the same time, the state says that gays have no case to fight because after all, they are free to marry, just not someone of the same sex (Allison).
The church’s issue comes into play with whether it is wrong and sinful to be homosexual. The Bible’s seeming condemnation on homosexuality has even led some people to generalize that they must heed the Word of God as it isn’t always precise. Gay Christians present the idea that sinning is something that you have a choice about, whether you want to do the correct thing or the more appealing wrong thing, so how can they be sinning if they don’t have the choice (Frank)? This leaves believers in a quagmire. They must decide if homosexuality should be shunned, tolerated, or accepted; whether or not it is wrong; and if they should be allowed to be married.
I believe that homosexuals should not have to face all of these problems. There must be some compromise between them and the rest of society as their acceptance will be gradual yet progressive. Homosexuality isn’t something you can just express and expect everyone to be used to the idea immediately; it takes time to get accustomed to other’s different ways of thinking. After people have gotten more accustomed to gays being open about their sexuality, then they can push for more and more rights.
For now homosexuals need to choose their battles a bit more carefully. Trying to get past “Don’t ask, don’t tell” is not a very wise move, at the moment. Although it is not ideal, it is not terribly discriminating or oppressive, so they should be complacent with this for now. If they try to be too radical with their rights people who are borderline pro-gay will be quickly turned off. Gays should focus on the privilege of marriage, because that is relevant to every homosexual instead of just the ones who wish to enlist in the military. Marriage is everyone’s desire, it is the highest level of commitment, it is the biggest promise you can make to someone. The connotation of civil union has no where near as much magnitude as the connotation of marriage, so how dare someone try to keep a couple from that level of unity?
That begs the question of whether or not it is morally acceptable to be gay, the Church’s big battle. I believe that it is acceptable to be homosexual. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 says “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: … nor homosexual offenders…will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (Holy Bible, The…). This shows us that despite the fact that homosexuality is a sin, it is not one that cannot be forgiven. Jesus died so that he would cover our sins, even those of the homosexual. If God would not exclude them from his kingdom, what would give us the right to keep them from worshiping with us or scorning them when they do?
I believe that there are some homosexuals who cannot force themselves to be heterosexual. It has been observed through experiments that brain hormones function differently in people with different sexual orientations and that there are differences in the brain, including a larger and elongated suprachiasmatic nucleus and parts of the hypothalamus were smaller, both typical characteristics in female brains (Brian). If this is really the case, how can we say that homosexuals are damned if it is out of their control? Although some would argue that one can pray for help in this evil way, God doesn’t always say yes. This isn’t very different than someone asking to be cured from a disease like cancer. Sometimes God says yes and works a miracle, giving that person a new a rejuvenated life, but sometimes He doesn’t and puts them to rest. In the same way, sometimes God may work miracles, helping homosexuals to become straight, but who’s to say that homosexuals should be blamed if He doesn’t?
This all shows that we should be more accepting of homosexuals. We need to support them as Christians because they do go through great trials and if we, who are supposed to reflect God’s character, treat them rudely, then who will be kind to them and show them what God is really like? Luke 10: 27 says to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Holy Bible, The…).
This is all highly relevant because it is up to us, the new generation, to take action. Adults’ ways are already set in stone, but we can make changes. We can still adjust ourselves to be open minded enough to the point where we can accept homosexuals like brothers and worship with them. We can make sure the generations that will come after us will have a good example, that they will understand the truth about homosexuality, and that although it isn’t right it’s not something to condemn others for. We can help our Church become one.
We can also help homosexuals get the rights that they deserve. They are people that are not very different than us, and we must learn to respect that. They deserve the privilege to openly serve our country, but that must come in time. There isn’t much reason to deny them force them to keep silent about their sexual orientation other than that others aren’t used to it. Soon, we will be the ones voting and deciding what they can and cannot do. Nothing should stop them from protecting our country as an act of patriotism.
Homosexuals must be given the right to marry one another. We shouldn’t stand in the way of their partnership just because of our preconceptions. If they love each other and wish to traditionally dedicate their lives to one another, they should be allowed to. The confusion and rights of civil union are complex and tedious.
Although the idea of children growing up seeing homosexuality as a normal occurrence is a scary thought, that is where our roles come into play. It will be our role to teach them that although it isn’t normal, it isn’t necessarily bad. A child or teenager can see something that is bad and know it’s bad without scorning it, so we must build those principles in them while they are young, before the media and peer pressure come into play.

Football Tournament, Part 2

so I wasn't expecting to go today, but Mikeal talked me into it last minute last night.
& once again, it was hecka fun.
After watching a game we hung out for about half an hour, & then the guys were starving so Priya drove us to In-n-Out. Right before leaving school campus we rear ended the lady in front of us. Epically scary. Priya has only been driving about 8months and all of us in the car have our permits, so we could all get in trouble if the cops came.
Luckily, it was the other lady's fault because she shouldn't have stopped since the light was still green. I didn't notice because I was freaking out staring at the white bumper we were approaching way too quickly.
Anyway, we came back from In-n-Out, made fun of Bryanna for being crippled a bit longer (she tore her ACL in volleyball & then re-injured it playing volleyball before she was supposed to; the first time she tore it I was nice & sympathetic, the second time it was her fault :P), said bye to Gustavo (I won't see him til Jr/Sr Bible Conf T-T), & went home

Highlight:
"MIKEAL, STOP LYING TO ME! Resist your racial tendencies!" -Me
"He is, if not he would have already stolen the car." -Stephen

football tournament

was so fun today. :D
I spent a lot of time with Priya, which we haven't done in a long time so it was quality time for us, however lame that sounds.
I know it sounds terrible, but I have to admit I like her better single because when she was with Charles she neglected her friends a LOT; but at the same time, she really misses him. . "/
Anyways, football tournament was really fun, although Lincoln (tuba player at band fest, 7ft tall) forgot me. ><; that was a downer. But it was really REALLY fun to see Gustavo again. :D I can't wait til Jr/Sr Bible Conference to get to see everyone again.

HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT:
While watching the RAA vs. LAAA game, Priya and I were sitting on the side lines. Some random parent came & stood in front of us and I was like "Ah, booty!" and my ex-friend's boyfriend & his team mate turn around & look at me like I'm a super freak. ><; Priya & I just lawld it off.

wow

I would find a way to ruin my perfectly good day. = =

note to self:
1. you can't do everything.
2. remember your priorities. God->family->friends->school->social.
taking care of others is really important.
3. remember: it's in your nature to be a crappy friend. you neglect those closest to you.
you have to fight against that.
4. do your geometry homework before midnight.

Breakdown.

I hope this old train breaks down
Then I could take a walk around
And, see what there is to see
And time is just a melody.
-Breakdown, Jack Johnson.

I used to think that all I needed to solve my problems was time. Time to think things through, time to talk to people and get my priorities straight, time for drama to settle. Time fixes all things, doesn't it? I thought that if I simply had more time, I could change things, I could make them better.

When you're lost, you're supposed to find and hug the nearest tree. I forget which book it was, but it said during a storm you were supposed to tie yourself to the tree at the highest point of the island (it was another "oh no we're stranded on an island book").

I think that's what I need to do right now. I need to find a stronghold and brace myself for upcoming events. I have to hang on and not worry, these things will pass and slowly solve themselves. The situation is no longer part of my control. I need to trust God, to let Him solve it. To let life take it's course.

Stress is piling up right now. I don't know where it's all coming from. Suddenly my Chemistry text book is slapping me, suddenly I'm lost in a world of proofs during Geometry class. I don't know where it's coming from. Suddenly I don't know who my friends are anymore. . . Suddenly I don't know. . .


side note: awesome song, Fallin for You, Colbie Caillat.

LSU Band Fest part 1

Band Fest. . . band fest. . . band fest.
I don't even know where to start.

So first day we show up at rehearsal. I knew I would be third part (big downer) but I thought that I would at least be primary third. Wrong. Third part, second chair = failus maximus. I actually felt really bad about that for a while. . . Then I realized that the primary third sucks bouncy balls. She allegedly only practiced once out of Festival and if that's true then I have to give her props for catching onto hard runs quickly, but besides that. . . yeah. . . I honestly don't mean be pompous but I know that I and several other thirds were better than her. She has a really bad ear so she's usually sharp and doesn't understand the concept of dynamics or holding notes for their full length. I ended up talking to Sharla about it and she said it was probably just he needed a stronger player in the thirds. That made sense but I still wondered why I wasn't primary. . . then I figured out her father is not only the church organist but also the festival organist. . . FML.

Anyway, band fest overall has been really fun. Most of the music we're playing is fun and we're doing the harder things with LLA Symphonic so I don't have to worry about hard runs. . . just playing third sucks. I've actually learned a lot from this clinic. My ear has improved a lot, I learned more about perfect intonation (if two instruments are perfectly in tune you should hear a soft ringing of the same not about 5 octaves higher), and I learned some about intervals (minor thirds are also called the interval of youth because it's the first interval you learn, it sounds a lot like whining or teasing). There's a lot more that I've learned, but it's hard to recall it's forced.

I realized how much LLA is hated. Our director, Dr. Mahr, called both Sharla & I out on minor things while overlooking others. . . that was frustrating. New Berry was allegedly bashing on our school as well. "/ it's weird. I still prefer to be hated and go to LLA though because our band program. Some of these kids. . . they don't know what a lot of things are (ie. 1 Player, Solo).

The social side has been pretty fun. I dormed with Missy & we were suite partners with Rae Anne and Sharla. Some people from other schools can be kind of jerkish, but as a generalization the ones that I've talked to are really nice. Some guys from our school were being complete idiots though. Night #2 DB1& DB3 to hit DB2 in the nuts, and then DB2 decides to hit DB1 in the nuts harder, and finally, DB1 hits DB3 for a second time. Keep in mind that this is all in church after rehearsal. Brass boys at my school are poopoo heads.

We also met our Director's BFF. His name is Coffee I believe. Did sectionals with us. . . a pretty cool guy.

I also realized why college kids love coming home. Your own house, your own food, your own shower. It's nice.

Things have kind of been whack. One of my college friends at LSU totally awkwarded out & gave me a bit of a cold shoulder. Back here at home things have been crazy & weird. Boy on boy action + WB. . . crazy.

Peace. More to come later.

Why do I belive (more to come later)

So this year I finally get to take a real religion class. No more History of Religion stuff. It's legit thinking now. Well as legit as you get for high school students, at least. We were presented with the question "Why are you a Christian" and nobody really had an imediate answer to give.

This made me wonder. . . My first response was "because I need something to believe in". In my mind, I need relevance. I need to know that there's a point. I couldn't live life thinking that we live and die, there has to be more. I need hope. I need something to believe in.

That begs the question, "How do you know that there's something to believe in?" I know there's something to believe in because I've felt it's presence. Some say that this is merely a conjured fake feeling, but it can't be. You can't know what something feels like until you've felt it. You don't know what a kiss feels like until you've experienced it, you don't know what water feels like until you've been wet. I've felt some type of presence, some type of peace. It's impossible for me to have created this feeling, for me to have learned how to merely summon the right endorphins. There has to be some existent superior factor to have allowed me to feel this way.

This leads to yet another question, "How do you know that the Bible is true". This is another thing that you can't really be sure about. I believe it's true because it's existed and outlasted so much persecution. There are so many Christians that believe in the Bible, can you really dare say that they're all wrong? I know that's filled with gaps in logic, but it sort of makes sense, to me at least. This is by no means a band wagon thing, but really, so many people through such a long time period. . . they can't all be lunatics.

"How do you know Seventh Day Adventists are the correct denomination?" The truth is, I can't really be positive yet. I don't know what all the other denominations believe, but out of the denominations that I am familiar with, Seventh Day Adventism makes the most sense. It doesn't make sense to kill others in the name of religion. It doesn't make sense to literally eat Jesus' body every week. Now I realize that a lot of SDA 'rituals' don't make sense, but that's Christianity, not SDA belief. SDA's 28 Fundamental Beliefs on the other hand do make sense, and I agree with them, making me a Seventh Day Adventist.

I know my argument is fallacy filled, I'm no where near close to perfection on it, but it's a work in progress, and for now it makes sense to me.

It'll Bite You in the Ass Later

I do a lot of things that make me seem to just ask for trouble. For the most part I try to avoid confrontation at all costs, but that just seems to pent up problems & one day that dam of problems is bound to explode. I know I probably shouldn't be so afraid & be willing to take chances, but I can't bring myself to. I'm afraid that I'll lose friends, that I'll end up looking like a jerk. At the same time I'll talk smack without trying to resolve problems. I'll talk about people and my problems with them that I've never really tried to resolve. Things won't magically fix themselves & I know that but I don't have the courage to try to resolve my own problems myself.

I also rarely listen to people who have more experience and/or knowledge on the subject/life in general than me. Example: Mommy says don't be friends with her, she'll end up a slut & use you. I didn't listen, "you don't know her, she's not like that". . . guess what happened? My friend's a slut & constantly uses me, but I don't have the courage to take a stand for myself.

-Sigh- I seem to manage to do things that bite me in the ass. I don't take advice when I know that I should. I'm one of those "learn for myself by making my own mistakes" kind of people. . . yeah, that's a bad type of person to be. . .
I wonder if all people are like me.

Your eyes are holding up the sky-Your Eyes, Alexz Johnson

I've finally discovered what I've found to be so deadly attractive about you.
There's something in your eyes that captivated me.
There, I've found a deep well of something. . .
What it is, I'm not quite sure.
I merely know that it's oh-so bountiful.
Whatever is in there, it's convinced me that you're something different.
That you'll treat me better than others have in the past.
I hope this mystery element proves to be what I'm hoping for,
Some type of kindness, some type of love.
But whta if it isn't? What if it is merely something corruptly concentrated?
A mere thirst to play with emotions, to hurt someone vulnerable, to have some unilateral fun?
That thought frightens me, yet it makes me feel all the more attracted to you.
The way that you look at me. . . it's different, it's special.
It makes me wonder.

Promises broken.

We both broke our promises. Completely shattered, leaving mere shards and pieces behind. Why can't we forgive each other and move on? Why can't we stay friends? Why must you put this barrier between us? You're just as much at fault as I am, why am I the one who has to suffer? You say you're hurting from this too, but then why do you let it continue? In the end, I'm the one who pays the price. This is your decision and I don't get to do anything about it.

Helpless. Desperate. Shocked. A little girl that is left standing on the porch. It's raining outside, the cold is numbing but it doesn't matter. Maybe if she stares long enough he'll feel her eyes trying to drag him back and turn around. The rain is pouring harder, the clouds are growing darker. Seconds turn into minutes, minutes turn into hours. She can still see his figure disappearing into the rain, it's branded into her memory. He's not coming back. She feels it's her fault, no matter what the others say. Weeks later, she finally manages to contact him, but all she is offered is a few dry words. . . it does nothing to ease her stiff aching wounds.

Every year things become more complicated. Drama becomes more personal, more vile. People become harder to understand, harder to relate to. These are the things that make me wish I could be a freshman again, these are the things that make me wish I had made different decisions; but then I remember the person I was freshman year and shudder, and I remember the other people I've met along the way and realize it will be worth it in the long run.

Choosing My Battles.

Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
-Come Right Out and Say It, Relient K

You say you want me to just say it. You say you want complete honesty, but I really don't think you can handle it. There are so many things I want to just blurt out but I know if I let those words past my lips I would regret it. These words that I have stored inside, these thoughts that linger in my head. . .they are so poisonous, so deadly. If you had the slightest idea you would be shocked. I can't be honest with you, I care about you too much. You say I will never solve anything that way, I call it choosing my battles. There are simply some things that are worth saying, and some that aren't.

There are more constraints put on my words than you notice. Some thoughts that fly inside my mind would kill relations instantly. Some thoughts that fly inside my mind would be frowned upon by society and more importantly, my friends. Some thoughts that fly inside my mind, as I said, would poison you. Some thoughts that fly inside my mind would make you think so lowly of me, I can't bear to let you know. You say I will never solve anything this way, I call it choosing my battles.

Obscurity.

Thoughts fly, thoughts fly; head spins, head spins.
The darkness is overwhelming, heavy upon your conscience.
The darkness is full of wonder, full of fright, full of unanswered questions.
It comes and won't leave without an answer, yet finding that answer seems impossible.
You feel like a blind man, stumbling along. The darkness has completely blocked out the sun.
You crawl from door to door, begging for help but everyone's suggestions seem inadequate. This is an answer you have to find for yourself.
There is danger in this black scenario. You can't see that terrible figure but you can feel it's presence weighing down your heart.
You know it is merely a matter of time until it pounces upon you, tearing your emotions to shreds.
What will become of you now, will you give in along the way?
Will you finally find that light, your answer, and be able to push back these tormenting clouds? This agonizing smog?
There seems to be no hope. Someone will die along the way. It seems like the darkness will soon overtake the entire city.
Will you sit there and watch as your life is thrust into permanent obscurity? Or will you fight the battle in which victory seems so unlikely?

Quick Update #5

Junior year has been such a hassle, but it's surprisingly enjoyable. I don't mind the work, I'm getting to bed at somewhat decent hours. It feels good to apply myself again. I really miss office though. I hate seeing the idiotic things the class officers throw together and not being able to do anything about it. "/ I'm thinking about running for SA (Student Association) second semester. . .maybe secretary or something, but working on Talent Show would be hell on earth.

The La Sierra Band Fest audition music was handed out today. The audition is in a week. Given, it's not very challenging but still I'd like at least two weeks to prepare. I wish we were going somewhere further as well. Last year, we went to Walla Walla & that was really fun. The snow, the Rook games, the 09ers. Good times.

As for my classes individually. . .
-Team Activities (Pe) is the usual. We have a huge class though. It's pretty fun with Sharla, Katie, and the other Hillary.
-Theology, Philosophy, & Ethics isn't exactly what I had hoped for. It feels like a regular religion class, when I was hoping for a more discussion based class.
-Chemistry isn't exactly my cup of tea either. Dr. Benson doesn't lecture so you have to teach yourself quite a bit of the stuff. Today my chem book was stolen. . . FML.
-Honors American Literature is rather flustering. Mr. Stone gets really impatient and hates when you ask him questions to double check. He's a fun guy, but very intimidating.
-Symphonic Band IS HUGE! We have +100 people, way out of control. Never again Mr. Santos, never again. *The two freshman who sit behind me are oh so very annoying and LOUD.
-US History is really easy. Mrs. Yapshing is pretty cool. Really classy, pretty professional, it's a nice feel. I also have Priya, William Bogger, and JAIME (yes, he's back at LLA!) in my class, that's very entertaining.
-Geometry is going to get really difficult, really quickly. On the bright side, it's practically Mr. Jarrard's sixth period all over again. Extremely enjoyable.
-Spanish II is good. I like Mrs. Saeger, Profe. She only speaks to us in Spanish, which is very good for the conversational side.

Alrights, I'm out.

I'm in Check, Mate.

How do you have this power over me?
Who died and made you king?
I don't know why you would play me like your poor lifeless pawn.
I am slowly being annihilatedby the girl you have chosen to be your queen.
Why would you do this to me? You promised you wouldn't.
You promised you would keep me safe, you said you were different than the rest.
Yet instead, you have ruthlessly thrown me into your game.
It is just another game for you, I'm almost sure.
All you care is that your queen is satisfied, that she has enough tears shed to give her satisfaction.
I want to resist this terrible opression.
I want to rise up and show you what I am worth,
but I feel that if I do attempt to do so, you will merely push me down again.
Reminding me that I am a mere pawn in this game.
Maybe one day I'll be able to cross this love game of a board, but that day is so far away. . . maybe even too far away.
She has set so many traps for me along the way. . .
I am younger, inferior.
She has so many years of experience at this game and she has made a point to show that.
She has trapped me in her path. . .perhaps I should turn and retreat while I still have that option.
Why won't you stop her? Do you not want me in your life?
I want to stay a part of you, please let me. I'm still fighting this battle, although the chances of overcoming are so slim.
Let's at least compromise, don't let her play a dirty game.
Stop giving her tips for how to win and give me a fighting chance.
Allow me the chances you are allowing her. . .
I could show you. . .or at least I would try.

I'm over it.

I'm tired of our stupid arguments. I'm tired of you bringing up the past. I'm tired of wanting to cry on the phone, trying to decide if I want to let you know, and merely ending up sitting in my tears once you hang up on me. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of telling you to fix yourself, and of you telling me to fix myself. I'm just over it, it's not that great of a relationship.

I've tried to callous myself towards you, yet you just made me feel guilty in the end. I don't understand why you do this to me, why we do this to each other. Why can't you just understand we're too different, we're just not cut out for each other. Why can't you just cheer up and put a mask on, like the rest of the world. If you pretend to be happy for long enough, maybe you'll end up that way.

I hate how jealous you are, you don't have that right. I hate how hypocritical you are, your double standards are sickening. I hate how you can't understand me, how you refuse to understand me. I hate how you try to pretend like you haven't changed, when I know we both have. I hate how no matter what happens, in your eyes I'm the one to blame. I hate how you try to force me into living and holding up your ideals, when they're not mine. I hate what you turned me into. I hate what you let me do to myself. I hate what you did to get my attention, you selfish child. I hate what time has done to us, too much of it. . .I think it's time we go our separate ways. . . yet I hate how I can't stand to see you walk away so miserably.

I'll pay later.

Have you ever done something you knew would hurt you more later? I don't mean like not studying for a test or stealing something. . . I'm having trouble putting what I want to say into words. To cut to the chase, for me it's looking back in my pink book. The pink book is a compilation of other people's poems, my poems, and quotes. I like looking back in it, but afterward I'm always put into a really strange mood. . . it's kind of like a quiet sadness? Weird analogy, but it feels like a dog's pitiful whimpering. . . it's a disturbing feeling.

Let's go back to yesterday,
When you made my problems go away.
Everything was so simple,
Laughing, talking, hanging out.
But nowadays everything is so different.
I don't think things will ever be the same.
The warmth in your smile, the laughter in your eyes...
Gone. Like yesterday.
--anonymous.

Tear Jerker

Following ShaneDawsonTV on Twitter led me to this video. It's kind of cheesy, very optimistic, but I thought it was really cool. Quite the tear jerker.

Blogging for the sake of blogging.

There's a cathartic feeling I get from blogging, however lame that may sound. I really need an outlet right now, so much stress, tension, anger, irritation. . . all those nasty feelings I need to let out.

FRIEND DRAMA MUCH? Hun, we didn't like him from the start. I thought it might be okay in the middle but you guys still had serious issues. What were you thinking? You know that you don't touch freshman. They're immature, they're going to grow up, they need to strengthen their friendships. We all told you to take it slowly, but you didn't listen. It's hard to listen to the voice of reason when you're crushing, I know. In short, a friend's boyfriend is holding double standards. He flips out when she admits that someone is attractive, but now he's flirting with a new girl who doesn't know he has a girlfriend; ignoring his girlfriend for her; and even considering breaking up because his friends, who can't even manage their own lives, say he should. Way to go, idiot. Way to be a jerk. She would do anything for you. She's so blindly in love with you, yet here you go throwing that away. Idiot. It's going to be hard to get me to approve of you again.

Since that big catastrophic event, I've been feeling really strange. . . I don't really know why. It's like a bit of the sophomore-me came back: stoical, cynical, angry. It sucks to see those characteristics reappearing in me, but I can't stop it. I don't have enough energy to stop it. I'm so drained out already, this is ridiculous for the beginning of the year. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm gone.
I'm ready for the weekend, hopefully that will give me the restoration that I need.

Huge topic change--
It really annoys me when people go to church just to see their friends. I wouldn't care if they acted respectfully, that would be fine actually, but when he/she comes and is loud, rowdy, and disturbing? I don't think that's okay. You should be there because you want to learn more about God, you want that community with Him and that relaxation with fellow believers, not to see your friends or because your parents made you. That's the dilemma, is it better for those disturbing people to come and distract others or not come at all and possibly miss out on the one thing that could have changed them?

Beautiful.

Thank you Lord, for always working beauty into the biggest crisis. You have what I need, you know what we all need.

I was in church today, it started out like every other service, yet half way through I doubt there was one completely dry eye in the sanctuary. It's puzzling how an event can affect you, even after so much time has passed.

Stephen Dysinger was a boy in my class who lost his battle with cancer our pre-8th grade summer. We didn't talk much in Junior High, but there was still they Hey-How are you doing-We're still praying for you, casual conversations between us. When he lost his battle, not only my entire class but also the whole church had a hard time believing that such a young and active person could have really been gone.

Stephen's life was filled with so many testimonies: the story of how he was determined to drink water by himself a few days before we lost him; how he understood that death could come and take him at anytime yet was ready for Jesus to be the next being he saw; just watching him defend his little brother, William, who has down syndrome. Stephen's life wasn't easy by any means, but it was beautiful.

He has still managed to be a testimony for us, even though he's no longer with us. Today, Call to Prayer was given by Khoury Knowlton, a very active member in church. He played the part of Jesus in the church's Easter Play. After the Easter Play, William was one of the many children who came to say hello to Jesus, but he was a bit different. He locked eyes with Mr. Knowlton, which is a bit of a strange act from such a small child. His gaze didn't leave Mr. Knowlton's eyes as he bent down to say hello or as he said "You have Stephen." Mr. Knowlton thought it was merely a case of bad grammar, "Yes, I knew Stephen," he replied. "You have Stephen," repeated William. "Yes, I knew Stephen," said Mr. Knowlton. Even as William walked away, he kept looking back, he didn't want to break that eye contact. Later, Mr. Dysinger approached Mr. Knowlton and explained that William thought he was Jesus, and it finally hit Mr. Knowlton that it wasn't just improper English, it was that William knew and believed Stephen was in Jesus' arms.

Lord, thank you for the Dysinger family. Please bless them as they have blessed us. . . they have had to go endure so much pain but so many are blessed at their expense, please let them know that. Please give me the faith of a child, like William. He may not understand everything, but he understands you. Give me that privilege.

This isn't a plea for your pity, this isn't a show of spirituality, this is reality. This is my life. We've finally learned to cope with Stephen's death and stop mourning his death. It's okay, he's in peace now, he's with Jesus now. We will see him again. Thank you Lord, for always working beauty into the biggest crisis. You have what I need, you know what we all need.

I Got a picture in my head today
Of how Heaven might look someday
I see the people there so I pull up a chair
And their stories they blew me away
-Thirteen, Matthew West.

Fashion Valley, 8/17

So Yan and I went down to Fashion Valley in San Deigo yesterday for her birthday, it was so much fun.

We left around 8:30 but I was running late as usual, she almost came to pick me up from my house but I was a few streets away. We got there around 10:30 & went to Forever 21, where Yan spent almost all her money. In total, I bought a bag from Charlette Rouse, a hat from Forever 21, birthday present for a friend form Forever 21, and Yan's NIKES from . . . some store. Side note, I'm really bad at buying presents. I never know what to buy and end up being really late in the gift giving.

We had really good lunch though. It was some Japanese place, but they had amazing chicken and at a good price too! Yan's friend, Jen met up with us and she was really cool and really really pretty, Chinese girl, no wonder. Haha. For dinner we went to some pretty ghetto place, but it's okay because we just had Green Tea & Taro Tart. It was really good, although it looked like Play-Doh. We saw a leng zai at this Chinese/Vietnamese market, he was really, WOW. Leng Zai alert!

That was pretty much it, doesn't sound like all that when I write it, but it was. It was worth it, and very much so. :)