Jaime.

Jamie "Jamal" Vargas will no longer be attending Loma Linda Academy. :(
This makes me very sad. I will no longer have a 5'7" Thexican's weenus to hang onto while we walk from class to class. I will no longer have a conceited little cholito in half of my classes. I will no longer have a music-ADD muchacho who wishes he had a tail to help me with the million things I have to carry from class to class. I will no longer have a patronize-r to calm me down when I'm stressed. This coming school year, I will be missing a very close friend.

I love you Jaime!

They've taught me how to talk.

Let's Dance-Hawk Nelson
They teach us how to talk, they'll teach us how to walk
They'll teach us how to dance just like this
They'll teach us how to dress in nothin' but the best
It's all about success

Why do we fill our heads
With these things that all make no sense
We're no different from the rest
We're all just tryin' to shake this mess


My personality is altered far too easily. Simply the people I hang out with can change the way I think, the vocabulary I use, even my subconscious gestures and body language. I need to remember who I am, and not let my identity be altered and morphed to please whoever I'm with. Especially now. . . everyone seems depressed and I feel like I'm no longer very good at cheering people up. If I let their depression get to me, I won't be able to help them either. I'm proud of myself though, so far I'm holding up.

Today was. . . today. I had some really good Starbucks today. I was falling asleep in freaking Driver's Ed today, so I broke my caffeine rule and treated myself. Tomorrow should be my last day.

PowerHouse was really fun today. We just kicked back & talked, goofing around. I met Shyana's friend, Terry, from Diamond Bar. Cute kid, pretty funny but way too shy. Shy had introduced him to me on the phone & he was fine, but in person--way too shy.
For me, there was this really cute white guy. Good personality, nice smile, MY AGE. The works. Too bad he lives in Oregon. Distance always gets me. :( I got his messenger though, just in case he comes back to California. ;) I should have gone for the phone number, but that could have gotten a bit awkward with so many people there, including my mother. Hah.

Mastering the Art.

It's a good feeling to own an instrument. Not in the sense of having an object of value in your possession (although that is a great feeling) but to master it, to immerse yourself in it, to be able to express yourself through it. To be able to pick up your instrument and a piece of music and absorb so much from a mere piece of paper with little ink blotches and feel your fingers snap into place without even thinking about the notes; to feel the beat, tap your foot, and fall into time with a band. It's a great feeling. It gives you a high that is only accomplished through music. There's nothing like it.

On a note of a different length, Driver's Ed today. . . eight hours of rewording/summarizing a textbook. It's worse than seventh grade World History with Mrs. Miller. Thank goodness of my iPod. I updated it last night and now it's so awesome & full it's lagging. I need to buy a new MP3, I currently have a Shuffle with the minimum memory. . . it holds about a hundred songs. . .music wasn't my thing in eighth grade & now I'm paying the consequences . I think I might be buying one from Yan. Apple is overrated & expensive. . .unless someone has an iPod they're selling. I might be interested. ><'

Current song addiction--7 Nation Army, The White Stripes.
I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back

I'm also liking Kate Nash and some of the old Kelly Clarkson hits. I was going through my old music. . .I had terrible taste in music.
Tim--thank you, your playlist contains good artists and awesome songs.

To do: Learn how to cook Ketchup Rice for Yan & I . :D

I'm also finding out who I am this summer, or at least I think I am. . .My friends rub off on me too much for me to be sure sometimes. . .but as of this moment:
I'm the basic one. I try to practice frugality. Corny sense of humor. Optimist. There's alot more I've learned about myself, but it's hard to put into words, and it's for me, not the people who merely read my blogs. I love that you do, but spend time with me to learn. Life's no fun if everything's simply spelled out for you.

Quick Update #2.

No time for contemplation tonight. It's 2AM & I have Driver's Ed tomorrow at 9. I just felt the need to blab about my life for a bit.

So I'm REtaking Driver's Ed this week. Started yesterday & go until Thursday from 9AM-3:30PM with an hour lunch break. Not very fun. I took it once already, but the company went bankrupt before they issued my certificate of completion. That course was much shorter, three hours for five days I believe. I would have gotten the certificate if it weren't for freaking drill team. . .oh & to top it off, they original drillers decided to cut the team from 9 to 4 three days before drill down. Our class lost before they presented arms.
I know I'm being really mean. . .but I'm bitter about my time being wasted.
Oh well, the original drillers had it rough. They deserve credit for pulling through til the end.
Driver's Ed isn't a total waste though, there's this really cute guy taking it who I went to lunch with. We walked around Redlands Mall for an hour. Hah. Oh well, we're going to lunch again tomorrow, hopefully that will be a bit less ghetto.

I got a . . .I don't know what they're called. Those little bumps on the inside of your mouth that aren't caused by a serious strand of herpes. Cold sores? Boils? Well anyway, I got one of them on my lip, & I have summer band this week. Since I play clarinet, I'm constantly biting my lip. Not fun. Oh well, tomorrow I'm going to Boba with Lewes, Sam & Sharla, so that should be really fun assuming my dad is in a much better mood tomorrow than he was today.

I updated my iPod to a whole new level of awesome. I'm waiting for it to explode any minute now from an overload of amazing. b^-^

Boy update: He is either extremely stupid or is trying to get me to off myself. It's so blatantly obvious that I like him, but he doesn't seem to see it. He flirts with me, and it's too much to be the innate little stuff, but I think that's just because he enjoys flirting. Oh well, his loss&waste of time. I'm not offing myself anytime soon. :D

To Do List:
-Eat healthier, inspired by Ambyr's blog.
-Drink more water so my lips don't take such a toll in summer band.
-Get more of a golden tan. Probably not happening, because I just turn black when I tan.
-Finally buy a new iPod/mp3. Probably from Yan, even tough it runs on Windows Media. I don't really mind.
-Finish The Screwtap Letters. I was reading that & didn't realize it from the point of view of devil's advocate until about a page in. . .FAILLLLLL.
-Get hair cut Wednesday. What on earth should I get?

It's Unfortunate.

It's unfortunate that I'll never be the girl you've built and chosen in your mind. I'll never be the girl that you see on the street and wish you could be with. I'll never be the girl that captivates you after only one conversation. I'll never be the girl who fits into size 00 jeans. I'll never be the girl whose voice makes your heart melt. I'll never be the girl that you wish would just look at you with her gorgeous hazel eyes. I'll never be the girl that makes you wish and long for her attention. That's just not me. What an unfortunate thing.

Instead I'm the girl that's willing to listen, I'm here for you whenever you need me, literally. I'm the girl you think you can read like a book. I'm the girl who cracks corny jokes but still laughs at your worst puns. I'm the girl who is realistic and will blatantly tell you when you're being stupid. I'm the girl who refuses to wear lipstick because it tastes wretched. I'm the girl who will stay up all night, just to talk to you. I'm the girl who doesn't go to wild raves and parties. I'm the girl who would rather stay home blogging and listening to songs with cheesy love lyrics. I'm the girl you keep overlooking because although I'm here, I don't fit the cookie cutter you've formulated in your day dreams.

I wish I could be. I wish I were that girl, but I'm not and you're not worth the change. I can only change so much before it becomes dangerous, before I risk losing my identity. Because of you I began to second guess myself. Because of you I forgot about my friends. Because of you I pushed aside my family. It's unfortunate that you are blind to what I am willing to do for you.

Maybe one day you'll see what you missed, maybe one day you'll realize you made a mistake pushing me aside. But for now, it's just another series of unfortunate events.

Jealousy.

Jealous
Adj--Feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often fol. by of): He was jealous of his rich brother.

When it comes down to it, I am a jealous person. Sometimes I have those moments where I think, "Oh, I'm not that jealous. I don't have to have things just because someone else does," but by the definition Dictionary.com gave me, I am.

I actually am jealous of my brother. He's smarter than me, more athletic than me, and more popular than me. When it comes down to it, I'm still glad that I'm me, not him because he doesn't have the will to apply himself, but still it's a bit of that "ouch" factor that makes me sometimes wish and wonder why I'm not as talented as he is.

I'm extremely jealous with my boys, the ones that are friends. As a generalization, I think girls are evil manipulative creatures that just want to have drama, flirt, and play around. This makes me extremely protective of my guy friends. It's also a bit that I'm jealous of their time. I don't care who you are, you'll never spend as much time with your friends once you have a boyfriend/girlfriend and for high school kids, it seems to be impossible to understand that you still want to keep your friends around and NOT neglect them, not because they won't be there for you later but because friendships are (or at least should be) stronger than high school relationships.

Lastly, I'm jealous when it comes to him. In my past relationship, I totally freaked out about my ex's exes. It was partially due to the situation I was in, but the loathing I had for the most recent ex was inexcusable. I'm somewhat better now. When I see him with other girls, I still get jealous but more of a sad feeling comes with it. That sad feeling sucks so badly. . .It's kind of this gray emptiness that eats away at me from the inside, that I wish I could just throw up and forget about, yet I can't as hard as I try. But I guess me being sad is better than me hating someone, correct?

I don't understand why people try to make others jealous, romantically at least. If you care about someone or even have an interest in him/her, wouldn't you want to keep him/her happy? Why would you want to make him/her sad or hateful towards another person? I honestly don't feel that it makes me like him any more when he talks about other girls, so why does he? And yet, I consider trying to make him jealous, even though it kills me when he does it. (I'm not sure whether or not I play the whole "jealousy" card very often, but like to think I don't. I guess I'll have to start paying more attention.) The worst part is there are so many other people who do the same thing, so I know I'm not just some crazy freak. Is it innate? Is it picked up as we watch other people do it? It makes me wonder. . .

Sophomore Slump.

I'm in writing mood, yet the things I just wanted to talk about have suddenly up and left my head.

Well anyway, today I went to Loma Linda to fix my schedule. To sum it up, I can take Spanish 2 at LLA and I still have two kick-donk teachers for religion. Yet, there was a price to pay and I have to take applied arts my senior year and had to drop Honors Geometry, which really isn't all that big of a problem as I didn't want H. Geo in the first place. So the schedule is settled for now, although I'm going to talk to Mr. Jarrard. . . I'm kind of interested in H. Geo now. . .

Next year will be quite the hassle. I slacked off sophomore year, so now I really need to kick things into high gear. Sophomore slump is no longer an excuse. I must change, not only for my grades, not only for my friends, but for myself. No more leaving lessons unread, no more putting off studying, I have to try my best. I can't let myself talk and rant about my friends, they're the ones that get me through the day--I need to realize and appreciate that. I have to live for myself which means thinking about the future, sleeping more when I can, and taking that stress control B12 stuff. It's time to shape up.

I have to say, sophomore year was terrible both socially and academically. I took my old friends forgranted, placed too much faith in new ones, and was far too judgmental. Well, junior year is coming up. Thank you God for the chance of a fresh start.