I've been having quite a few of those lately. I have alot on my mind tonight, so excuse me if I don't make all that much sense. I'll try editing it later to try to make it clearer.
WOW. Crazy day today. It was my first day of work. Okay, well it's not really work, just community service, but I'm going to call it work because it sounds that much better. I'm lame sauce, what are you going to do. But anyway, work just downright sucked. I'm working at Loma Linda's Aduly Day Care Center. . .I honestly don't understand how people enjoy it. I was with the Blue Group today (the ones with less mental activity), and it was really frustrating. . .They're like children, but I like children, which is weird. I guess I'm just expecting to treat them like adults and it's frustrating, because I can't. I think why I like children, but not disabled adults is because I know children will grow and improve, yet these adults have no hope. . . And as you blog followers know (all like two of you, atleast), I'm all about fixing people. People. Not boys. Well, boys as in boy friends. I want that freaking shiny red bike. (haha) Anyways, after work I met a friend at Yogurtlicious (I'm ungrounded I guess? I don't know. . .) and we got pretty deep. I thought anyway. I'm really glad I went. I just needed to vent. Blogging isn't enough. I did something REALLY stupid but oh well, won't happen again.
And now for the deeper stuff. . . if I can remember.
I've realized I have a lot of really annoying traits, yet I don't normally notice until I'm out of that phase. . . For example, Freshman year I was obnoxiously loud. I also used to misspell things a lot and not really care, and now it bugs me when people do that. I still don't capitalize, which I just noticed, is also very annoying, so I'm trying to get over it. I'm not normally very strong willed, I need to fix that but I'm not exactly sure how to. . . I need major self improvement over this summer. I also need to start liking people my age. . .(hah)
I really hate it when people underestimate me. I realize the way I act pretty much digs my own grave for me, but . . . I'm not exactly sure how to explain it. I'd prefer for people to underestimate and be surprised than for them to overestimate me and be disappointed, but it gets annoying. The fact that I'm not exactly sure how to prove their assumptions wrong is what I think the problem is. A lot of them don't go to school with me, so they don't see me perform academically; most of them don't see me coordinate anything, so they don't see me when I'm serious; most of them can't see me think. . .Mmmm. Maybe it's not something that can be so easily dealt with. Maybe they'll just have to live with their misconceptions.
Another thing that I need to learn the art of is self expression. I can't usually put my thoughts into words. Not in my head at least. For example, I can write awesome kick-tuckus papers, but I need to think them out and either make an outline or do crazy editing. I just think of too many things and end up getting scatter brained. I do that for my blog so often.
Lastly, I think. . . I need to learn from my mistakes. . .Maybe I am a bit too optimistic. I used to think that I had a good ol' healthy level of skepticism, but maybe I was wrong. I tend to think that just because I got away with something once, I can get away with it again (mainly pertaining to boys, yet not only in the romantic aspect). I need to learn from what I do wrong, and not only learn not to make the wrong choice, but to also avoid situations that will make me make that choice.
Okay, not last thought, I have a bunch more on my mind. . . annnddd as soon as I wrote that, all my thoughts vanished. Great.
Okay here it is--the long awaited (not) deep thought.
I feel constantly abandoned. I've gone through four youth pastors, two campus pastors, and too many teachers. Maybe I just have bad luck. Whatever the case, it just hurts to see a respected authority leave. Like when Mr. Lang left, I just felt pushed aside. Did we really mean so little to him that he didn't give a thought to dropping the academy completely cold turkey? Seriously--how could he be so heartless? He's not the only one who's done this, it's just I cared for him the most I guess. If he/they really cared for us as much as they claim to, why would they, no, HOW could they leave us like that? How could they brush us aside seemingly disregarding our feelings? Maybe when it comes down to it they have to look out for number one as well. Maybe. It doesn't seem to justify the rude and inconsiderate act, but I guess you can't really blame them. It's hard to understand though.
LASTLY! I promise! I need to learn to stop putting people up on a pedestal. I put so much faith in people and put them up so high in my mind, yet that just assures when they do mess up, they'll fall just that much harder. This could affect both them and me. I need to remember that other people are human, just like me. They make bad mistakes and are prone to it. . . I have more to learn than I thought I did. . .
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I think I have an unhealthy addiction to House MD
I blame my addiction to House on Hugh Laurie. But Hugh Laurie portrays a rude and arrogant doctor on the show, which leads me to question why girls are attracted to jerks. The most common answer is because girls like "fixer upers". But why? Why would you want the broken, damaged, corroded gray bike when you can have the shinny red one? I understand the whole I want to help thing, but it's possible to help while just being a friend. Why would you fall in love with the broken bike? It just doesn't make sense how there are good looking nice guys who are single while there are dozens of girls falling over the relatively good looking jerk. I guess it's the same way with guys and their cars. But boys are much harder to fix than cars. . .
Today our old neighbors stopped by as they were in CA. That was pretty fun. For the rest of the day I pretty much rotted infront of a 19" LCD monitor at my desk. . . I really want a lap top. A mac. I get too many viruses. I have yet to practice clarinet. I'm not sure if I want to. . . I'm still really mad at my dad. He wants to play rude dictator one night and then go on the next day and pretend like nothing happened. Hah. Not happening.
I also realized that I want to be like my old neighbors when I grow up. I want to be privileged enough to be able to sit back and relax with my husband when I retire. To be the old couple you see at church who still wear their rings. Who walk slowly, yet look so peaceful. Who smile at each other's corny jokes. Who still take road trips, just to get away. Ahh, I miss my old neighbors.
Today our old neighbors stopped by as they were in CA. That was pretty fun. For the rest of the day I pretty much rotted infront of a 19" LCD monitor at my desk. . . I really want a lap top. A mac. I get too many viruses. I have yet to practice clarinet. I'm not sure if I want to. . . I'm still really mad at my dad. He wants to play rude dictator one night and then go on the next day and pretend like nothing happened. Hah. Not happening.
I also realized that I want to be like my old neighbors when I grow up. I want to be privileged enough to be able to sit back and relax with my husband when I retire. To be the old couple you see at church who still wear their rings. Who walk slowly, yet look so peaceful. Who smile at each other's corny jokes. Who still take road trips, just to get away. Ahh, I miss my old neighbors.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
i'm tired of fighting.
Friends, family, classmates. It feels like I'm always arguing with someone. The slightest disagreement turns into a full on verbal and sometimes physical argument far too often. What happened to discussion, what happened to dialogue, what happened to peaceful debates? Would someone please tell me when the connotation of discussion and argument merged? This is a disgusting problem. People claim to want world peace and for our troops to come home. Peace. Is this achievable? We can't even achieve peace in our own homes of an average of four people, and people wish for entire nations and the overall world to have peace? Really? Because that seems like the most bizarre and child like admiration that I've ever heard of. Normally, I'm all up for the peace and love situation, but due to recent circumstances I've become to question my ideals.
Today was such a roller coaster. I woke up to my dad yelling at me about how I'll get jaundice from sleeping too much. According to him, jaundice is when your skin turns disgustingly pale. According to the rest of the world, jaundice is when your skin and eyes turn yellow due to your liver shutting down. --sigh--I found it humorous. I was about to clarinet when my mother came home. We ended up going all the way out to Monterey Park for a family reunion. Great. Not that I don't love my cousins, just I'm tired of certain ones being so spoiled. I realize that I'm spoiled to a certain extent as well, but holy . . . if there were a graph for this sort of a thing, my cousin would definitely be an outlier. Got home & got into a huge fight with my parents that had first started as conversation. Ahhh NOT good times with a man who has no conversational skills.
Today was such a roller coaster. I woke up to my dad yelling at me about how I'll get jaundice from sleeping too much. According to him, jaundice is when your skin turns disgustingly pale. According to the rest of the world, jaundice is when your skin and eyes turn yellow due to your liver shutting down. --sigh--I found it humorous. I was about to clarinet when my mother came home. We ended up going all the way out to Monterey Park for a family reunion. Great. Not that I don't love my cousins, just I'm tired of certain ones being so spoiled. I realize that I'm spoiled to a certain extent as well, but holy . . . if there were a graph for this sort of a thing, my cousin would definitely be an outlier. Got home & got into a huge fight with my parents that had first started as conversation. Ahhh NOT good times with a man who has no conversational skills.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
zommgggg.
My ex is hooking up before me. How is that POSSIBLE?
I broke up with HIM. & now he's hooking up with this shallow net girl.
Ugh, it's not that I have feelings for him, it's just kind of like "ouch, he beat me" kind of feeling, I think? & I don't approve of this girl. . .
This is really REALLY pissing me off. . .
I broke up with HIM. & now he's hooking up with this shallow net girl.
Ugh, it's not that I have feelings for him, it's just kind of like "ouch, he beat me" kind of feeling, I think? & I don't approve of this girl. . .
This is really REALLY pissing me off. . .
I've Decided. . .
that Michael Jackson is in Miami alongside Tupac. On a more serious note, I hate the publicity that MJ has recently received. It's very disrespectful and nearly irreverent in my eyes. A point that Priya made that I agree with is why is he getting so much positive fame now? When he was alive he was constantly publicly torn down. It was always oh MJ's molesting another nine year old boy, or a South Park joke about MJ, or a joke about the Home Alone kid. And now, when he's gone, we suddenly look back upon his career and say "Oh, MJ broke so many racial and musical barriers with his music". Really? The media has grown so insensitive and cold. I for one loved MJ's music. I remember this past school year Tarik would drop a bass line, Jordi would join in on air drums, and we'd all bust out Billy Jean. Ahh, Michael, you gave us good times. Thank you.
Here's my mini-tribute, call me lame. It's scream, not Michael's biggest hit & I know it wasn't his best, but it's one of my favorites.
So today was a pretty good day. I went to church and it was fun (even though I totally fell off of the stage and broke my shoe). Only Marcello showed today. :( Oh well, hopefully I'll see my kids again next year. Came home for lunch, but 2:00 PM rolled around and I wasn't very hungry. I took a nap and had this crazy dream (as in a bad crazy). When I woke up, I had some good text-versations with people, ate dinner, practiced clarinet, broke in reeds, and talked to Priya on the phone. I'm about to go feed the dogs, relatively productive day, yes? I think so, for a Sabbath at least. I still need to put the pedal to the metal for some Fall stuff. . . --sigh--
I've also decided that I'm going to try to keep my blogs shorter and more personal so that later I can use my blog to reflect on my life later. I'm going to aim for one deep though and just a summary of my day, daily.
Okay, I'm out. Time to feed the puppies.
Here's my mini-tribute, call me lame. It's scream, not Michael's biggest hit & I know it wasn't his best, but it's one of my favorites.
So today was a pretty good day. I went to church and it was fun (even though I totally fell off of the stage and broke my shoe). Only Marcello showed today. :( Oh well, hopefully I'll see my kids again next year. Came home for lunch, but 2:00 PM rolled around and I wasn't very hungry. I took a nap and had this crazy dream (as in a bad crazy). When I woke up, I had some good text-versations with people, ate dinner, practiced clarinet, broke in reeds, and talked to Priya on the phone. I'm about to go feed the dogs, relatively productive day, yes? I think so, for a Sabbath at least. I still need to put the pedal to the metal for some Fall stuff. . . --sigh--
I've also decided that I'm going to try to keep my blogs shorter and more personal so that later I can use my blog to reflect on my life later. I'm going to aim for one deep though and just a summary of my day, daily.
Okay, I'm out. Time to feed the puppies.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Well, I was having a Good Day.
My day started out fantastically. I woke up a bit late, but oh well I had good reasons for staying up last night and it is summer after all. I took a good shower, practiced the good ol' clarinet and had several good conversations.
I'm a big on altruism. Some people claim that altruism is nonexistent because the do-gooders of this world merely perform their selfless acts to look good in the eyes of others. I feel that this is a big lie and therefore try to prove that wrong. Today at VBS we were stuffing felt turtles. Each child was to make two, one for themselves and one for a child at the Loma Linda Children's Hospital. Carleigh, a four year old in my group, openly decided that she wanted to donate the dark green turtle because it was fluffier. Four year olds don't know very much about inhibitions, especially Carleigh. I'm not saying that Carleigh's parents didn't train her well or that she's rude, it's just reality--a four year old doesn't have the same inhibitions as an older person. I've see Carleigh's behavior and know she wouldn't have had ulterior motives in this selfless decission. So that's my little speil on altruism for the day.
So due to the blog title, it's obvious that something had to have ruined my day. I had a chat with one of my previously really close friends about what made us break. I felt that this conversation was really unnecessary as it's too late and by gones should be left as by gones, but I felt I'd let him vent. Bad idea. Now it's midnight and I'm pissed off and blogging. So apparently now we can't have a healthy conversation and I don't want him in my life. I really don't feel like that, but apparently my actions prove differently. I know that I treat him differently, but I honestly don't do it on purpose, it's just that because of our history I can't really help it. Now I feel bad. I honestly don't want to stop being friend or push him out of my life, but I feel like I can't treat him like the rest of my friends, I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying to keep him happy, that's why he feels as if I treat him differently--because I try to make all of my friends happy. I'm tired because he used to be upset for attention. He claims to have changed, but I'm having a lot of trouble accepting that he could have changed so drastically. Now his little idiosyncrasies and the little things he does are annoying me more than ever. I find myself semi-subconsciously trying to irritate him by doing the same rude things he did to me. --BIG FREAKING BADONKADONK SIGH-- I dislike myself right now.
I'm a big on altruism. Some people claim that altruism is nonexistent because the do-gooders of this world merely perform their selfless acts to look good in the eyes of others. I feel that this is a big lie and therefore try to prove that wrong. Today at VBS we were stuffing felt turtles. Each child was to make two, one for themselves and one for a child at the Loma Linda Children's Hospital. Carleigh, a four year old in my group, openly decided that she wanted to donate the dark green turtle because it was fluffier. Four year olds don't know very much about inhibitions, especially Carleigh. I'm not saying that Carleigh's parents didn't train her well or that she's rude, it's just reality--a four year old doesn't have the same inhibitions as an older person. I've see Carleigh's behavior and know she wouldn't have had ulterior motives in this selfless decission. So that's my little speil on altruism for the day.
So due to the blog title, it's obvious that something had to have ruined my day. I had a chat with one of my previously really close friends about what made us break. I felt that this conversation was really unnecessary as it's too late and by gones should be left as by gones, but I felt I'd let him vent. Bad idea. Now it's midnight and I'm pissed off and blogging. So apparently now we can't have a healthy conversation and I don't want him in my life. I really don't feel like that, but apparently my actions prove differently. I know that I treat him differently, but I honestly don't do it on purpose, it's just that because of our history I can't really help it. Now I feel bad. I honestly don't want to stop being friend or push him out of my life, but I feel like I can't treat him like the rest of my friends, I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying to keep him happy, that's why he feels as if I treat him differently--because I try to make all of my friends happy. I'm tired because he used to be upset for attention. He claims to have changed, but I'm having a lot of trouble accepting that he could have changed so drastically. Now his little idiosyncrasies and the little things he does are annoying me more than ever. I find myself semi-subconsciously trying to irritate him by doing the same rude things he did to me. --BIG FREAKING BADONKADONK SIGH-- I dislike myself right now.
Today's Update on Life.
Can't blog for long today, it's a tad late and my mother is angry, so I'm just going to get in a quick blog because a lot of stuff happened today. No deep wordy stuff.
I woke up a bit before 5AM today to go take my cousin to the airport. We got him there on time, and all went well. I then went to breakfast with my mom at Denny's. You can get a butt load for $12. Combing Taggy (my German Shepard) was next on the agenda, so I spent an hour doing that. He eventually got bored and ran away. I finally got to take a shower & went to sleep. My brother gave me a very vigorous shake for a wake up call, so I got up, did my hair, and went to the school to check the Symphonic seating sheet. Brother didn't make Symphonic, but he got into Wind Ensemble. As of this moment, I have 6th chair which I think is primary second, but there are still a few really good players left to audition, so I'm not unpacking my junk yet. I then went to my lesson, got yelled at for not practicing, went to Nick Rail for reeds, and finally VBS. It was pretty good today. Only four out of my ten usual kids showed. Today was Trent's last day. I'll miss him lots. We then went to Boba & met up with the family, & they just left my house.
What did the fambam do for over five hours? Well after Boba, they came over to my house and we talked for a long, long while. I got to find out ALOT about my family history. I'm so pleased. I honestly didn't think I would ever be able to get my hands on this much information. Thank you Jesus, really. If Melissa hadn't gone up to Oregon (she almost didn't) the family wouldn't have been reunited, and we wouldn't have had this talk.
So apparently my grandma had super-duper bank in China, but she was orphaned and raised by an evil aunt. She met my grandpa, and was disowned because he was poor. They immigrated to Nicaragua because of the war and had their six children. They went back to Hong Kong to settle business, left the children with Mom Flor (not my grandma, just a neighbor), and finally decided to split up. My grandma took Aunt 2 and Uncle 3 (number are birth order) and returned to Hong Kong. Aunt 1 was sent to the US to study, and Aunt 4, Uncle 6, and my mom stayed with Grandpa in Nicaragua. They had two stores and were very well off, until Grandpa returned from business & was totally wiped. Both his stores were ransacked and burned down, so they had to start over. Aunt 4 was a rebel and after she was caught taking money from Grandpa he became paranoid. He became abusive and totally mad. Finally Aunt 4 made it to the US to study. Grandpa passed away at the age of 77, six months before my mom and Uncle 6 graduated. His wish was to see them both graduate high school and then die, but he didn't make it.
I'm not sure if this story is 100% accurate, and I know my writing was extremely simplistic and casual this time, but I'm writing exceptionally quickly and just wanted to get this down before I forget everything.
That's it for today, I'm peacing out.
Oh, I forgot one thing. There's a new guy in the picture. I'm pretty sure nothing will happen. Nothing should happen. Just another guy to look at. Just another guy to consider. Not very new, just felt the need to blog about it.
I woke up a bit before 5AM today to go take my cousin to the airport. We got him there on time, and all went well. I then went to breakfast with my mom at Denny's. You can get a butt load for $12. Combing Taggy (my German Shepard) was next on the agenda, so I spent an hour doing that. He eventually got bored and ran away. I finally got to take a shower & went to sleep. My brother gave me a very vigorous shake for a wake up call, so I got up, did my hair, and went to the school to check the Symphonic seating sheet. Brother didn't make Symphonic, but he got into Wind Ensemble. As of this moment, I have 6th chair which I think is primary second, but there are still a few really good players left to audition, so I'm not unpacking my junk yet. I then went to my lesson, got yelled at for not practicing, went to Nick Rail for reeds, and finally VBS. It was pretty good today. Only four out of my ten usual kids showed. Today was Trent's last day. I'll miss him lots. We then went to Boba & met up with the family, & they just left my house.
What did the fambam do for over five hours? Well after Boba, they came over to my house and we talked for a long, long while. I got to find out ALOT about my family history. I'm so pleased. I honestly didn't think I would ever be able to get my hands on this much information. Thank you Jesus, really. If Melissa hadn't gone up to Oregon (she almost didn't) the family wouldn't have been reunited, and we wouldn't have had this talk.
So apparently my grandma had super-duper bank in China, but she was orphaned and raised by an evil aunt. She met my grandpa, and was disowned because he was poor. They immigrated to Nicaragua because of the war and had their six children. They went back to Hong Kong to settle business, left the children with Mom Flor (not my grandma, just a neighbor), and finally decided to split up. My grandma took Aunt 2 and Uncle 3 (number are birth order) and returned to Hong Kong. Aunt 1 was sent to the US to study, and Aunt 4, Uncle 6, and my mom stayed with Grandpa in Nicaragua. They had two stores and were very well off, until Grandpa returned from business & was totally wiped. Both his stores were ransacked and burned down, so they had to start over. Aunt 4 was a rebel and after she was caught taking money from Grandpa he became paranoid. He became abusive and totally mad. Finally Aunt 4 made it to the US to study. Grandpa passed away at the age of 77, six months before my mom and Uncle 6 graduated. His wish was to see them both graduate high school and then die, but he didn't make it.
I'm not sure if this story is 100% accurate, and I know my writing was extremely simplistic and casual this time, but I'm writing exceptionally quickly and just wanted to get this down before I forget everything.
That's it for today, I'm peacing out.
Oh, I forgot one thing. There's a new guy in the picture. I'm pretty sure nothing will happen. Nothing should happen. Just another guy to look at. Just another guy to consider. Not very new, just felt the need to blog about it.
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