Bigggg Sigghhh renamed:: Self Improvement.

I've been having quite a few of those lately. I have alot on my mind tonight, so excuse me if I don't make all that much sense. I'll try editing it later to try to make it clearer.

WOW. Crazy day today. It was my first day of work. Okay, well it's not really work, just community service, but I'm going to call it work because it sounds that much better. I'm lame sauce, what are you going to do. But anyway, work just downright sucked. I'm working at Loma Linda's Aduly Day Care Center. . .I honestly don't understand how people enjoy it. I was with the Blue Group today (the ones with less mental activity), and it was really frustrating. . .They're like children, but I like children, which is weird. I guess I'm just expecting to treat them like adults and it's frustrating, because I can't. I think why I like children, but not disabled adults is because I know children will grow and improve, yet these adults have no hope. . . And as you blog followers know (all like two of you, atleast), I'm all about fixing people. People. Not boys. Well, boys as in boy friends. I want that freaking shiny red bike. (haha) Anyways, after work I met a friend at Yogurtlicious (I'm ungrounded I guess? I don't know. . .) and we got pretty deep. I thought anyway. I'm really glad I went. I just needed to vent. Blogging isn't enough. I did something REALLY stupid but oh well, won't happen again.

And now for the deeper stuff. . . if I can remember.

I've realized I have a lot of really annoying traits, yet I don't normally notice until I'm out of that phase. . . For example, Freshman year I was obnoxiously loud. I also used to misspell things a lot and not really care, and now it bugs me when people do that. I still don't capitalize, which I just noticed, is also very annoying, so I'm trying to get over it. I'm not normally very strong willed, I need to fix that but I'm not exactly sure how to. . . I need major self improvement over this summer. I also need to start liking people my age. . .(hah)

I really hate it when people underestimate me. I realize the way I act pretty much digs my own grave for me, but . . . I'm not exactly sure how to explain it. I'd prefer for people to underestimate and be surprised than for them to overestimate me and be disappointed, but it gets annoying. The fact that I'm not exactly sure how to prove their assumptions wrong is what I think the problem is. A lot of them don't go to school with me, so they don't see me perform academically; most of them don't see me coordinate anything, so they don't see me when I'm serious; most of them can't see me think. . .Mmmm. Maybe it's not something that can be so easily dealt with. Maybe they'll just have to live with their misconceptions.

Another thing that I need to learn the art of is self expression. I can't usually put my thoughts into words. Not in my head at least. For example, I can write awesome kick-tuckus papers, but I need to think them out and either make an outline or do crazy editing. I just think of too many things and end up getting scatter brained. I do that for my blog so often.

Lastly, I think. . . I need to learn from my mistakes. . .Maybe I am a bit too optimistic. I used to think that I had a good ol' healthy level of skepticism, but maybe I was wrong. I tend to think that just because I got away with something once, I can get away with it again (mainly pertaining to boys, yet not only in the romantic aspect). I need to learn from what I do wrong, and not only learn not to make the wrong choice, but to also avoid situations that will make me make that choice.

Okay, not last thought, I have a bunch more on my mind. . . annnddd as soon as I wrote that, all my thoughts vanished. Great.

Okay here it is--the long awaited (not) deep thought.
I feel constantly abandoned. I've gone through four youth pastors, two campus pastors, and too many teachers. Maybe I just have bad luck. Whatever the case, it just hurts to see a respected authority leave. Like when Mr. Lang left, I just felt pushed aside. Did we really mean so little to him that he didn't give a thought to dropping the academy completely cold turkey? Seriously--how could he be so heartless? He's not the only one who's done this, it's just I cared for him the most I guess. If he/they really cared for us as much as they claim to, why would they, no, HOW could they leave us like that? How could they brush us aside seemingly disregarding our feelings? Maybe when it comes down to it they have to look out for number one as well. Maybe. It doesn't seem to justify the rude and inconsiderate act, but I guess you can't really blame them. It's hard to understand though.

LASTLY! I promise! I need to learn to stop putting people up on a pedestal. I put so much faith in people and put them up so high in my mind, yet that just assures when they do mess up, they'll fall just that much harder. This could affect both them and me. I need to remember that other people are human, just like me. They make bad mistakes and are prone to it. . . I have more to learn than I thought I did. . .