that yuck feeling.

i can almost say i never feel this way. unwanted, needy, lonely, and helpless are adjectives for me right now. that's not me.
i'm the type of person who loves feeling needed, who loves making others feel loved, who is relatively stable. i'm rather sociable, i love getting out of the house, i love work.
right now i feel like none of the qualities i just listed are true. i'm having to force myself out of the house, i want to talk to only my closest friends, and i would really love to be in a literal vegetative state at the moment.

i've led myself to believe that the source of all the personality mayhem is that i don't know how to deal with death. should i be mourning? staying at home, dressing in black, maybe even fasting? should i try to distract myself? going out as often as possible, constantly talking to other people, and trying to at least pretend to be me? i honestly don't know. at home i either feel very spiritual or very empty. in public i try to not think about it, yet i'm still not myself. my mind keeps drifting and the empty feeling returns. should i really be allowed to feel this happiness so soon?

i honestly didn't expect to feel this way. i wasn't close to my grandmother. for quite a bit of my life i tried to not care about her because of how she treated me. i felt she brushed me aside, blatantly favoring cousins. even when she was diagnosed with stomach cancer (i don't remember the strand), i tried to persuade myself to be insensitive. now i'm left sitting here with a bundle of short pieces of yarn that i've tried to tie together, an open ended story short story (i'm not a huge fan of those), basically without closure. i tried to tie up ends and make everything better in a lame attempt to make her feel good about herself--that she was loving, supportive, and a good grandmother, but deep down inside i still feel. . . indescribable. we weren't close, so why does this hurt so much? should i be able to push the pain aside? should i just deal with it head on? did she love me? was she in unbearable pain when she died? will i ever learn of my history? there are so many questions spinning in my head whizzing by one after another. i have just enough time left alone with the question to give me an irritating pang of confusion and curriosity, yet never enough time to find the answer.

one of the biggest worries i'm having is that my grandmother never told anyone her full history. she was paranoid and now i don't know where my roots were. i just finished mr. sandiford's literature class and any of you who have gone through sophomore year at my school know that he frequently presents the idea that in order to find yourself and discover who you are you must return to your roots. now i realize that wanting to go back to my grandparents and even maybe my great-grandparents probably isn't what he meant by roots, but my hope of ever knowing distant family and knowing my lineage and history died with my grandmother. my grandparents all immigrated from china to nicaragua, my parents immigrated from nicaragua to the US. even if i did have a clue about my history, it would have been distorted, but at least then i would have a clue. call it a generalization, but anyone who knew my grandparents in nicaragua is probably dead now due to lifespan ranges in rosita and if they're not dead yet, the would be if i ever wanted to go back as an adult and do some searching.

i'm also left feeling like a cultural mutt. i'm mostly chinese, but culturally i feel so distant from them. i despise their funeral rituals (make the boys pay, cremation, etc), i don't go to their church, and i haven't attempted to become closer to the culture by learning the language. when it comes to my nicaraguan side, i guess i'm a bit better off but still not completely there. i can understand their language, i can speak it to an extent, but i still haven't taken it upon myself to fully engulf myself in the culture through doing things like learning about their cultural habits, history, etc. if anything i'm white washed and although it doesn't have to be a negative thing, it is by no means a positive. another thing is i don't fit either side's stereotypes. i'm not extremely smart, i'm not very musically talented, and i'm neither physically nor emotionally strong. i know it's probably a good thing that i'm not your stereotypical person, but it's still kind of tough growing up in an environment that prizes culture so highly that it even crosses over into who you hang out with, who you go to school with, and even who you worship with.

these questions don't normally bother me, i think it's just the screwed up mental state i'm in right now.

i feel used, overworked, and just worn out. i love helping people, i'm a workaholic, and i normally function on about 4-5hours of sleep. i really shouldn't feel this way. at the moment if feel like my reality, my personality, my LIFE has been distorted into a disgusting emotional vomit that isn't what i've tried so hard to shape my life into being. i feel myself shifting into a cynical point of view doubting some of my closest friends that i wouldn't have made through this year without. why am i trying to find that people want to hurt me? this isn't me. normally i try to give people the benefit of the doubt while maintaining a small amount of skepticism for mere self preservation, but this is totally not me.

right now i'm apologizing to anybody i may lash out at or be a complete jerk to in the next couple of weeks. in the case that i do something out of line or that doesn't seem to be something i would do, please call me out.

now, the writing is out of me. i'm just tired. . . i'm going to go practice or something. o.O