success will come to your plans.

i'm thinkin. . . no.
fortune cookies are so frustrating. they always deliver good news which is completely impossible. not everyone has good things ahead of them. some people have crappy lives. fortune cookies are a complete waste of paper that have no greater purpose than to make a few high school kids laugh by adding the phrase "in bed" at the end of the fortune.

my fortune cookie made me start thinking. (the cookie's caption is listed as the entry title if you haven't noticed.) i feel like a failure. maybe not to the extent that connotative response (would somebody tell me if i used connotative correctly?) the words brings about, but still i feel like i always do things mediocre-ly (can you believe mediocre has no adverb form? not that i know of at least). i failed when i ran for Sophomore RVP. i didn't get that good of a chair in band. i dropped honors algebra2. the valentine's day program was way too short. i fail in the romantic aspect. senate outerwear skit was under-rehearsed and retarded. i had to petition to get into honors american lit. i failed at JR President. i'm honestly not prepared for my symphonic audition. i just want to succeed at something for once. i want to find what i'm actually good at. . .

right now i'm so frustrated with my life, especially the romantic aspect. people say don't rush into anything, don't be desperate, think it through. i should know. i've said those lines so many times. but how do you apply it to yourself? what if because you were over cautions you missed something that could have been good? what if because you were so scared of becoming desperate you missed out and instead have to stand by and watch as the one you cared for is stolen, taken out of your sights and into the arms of another? then there's the other side of the story. what if you rush into something and do something you really regret? what if you ruin friendships, accidentally yet absolutely crushing someone's emotions, affecting their life? it's hard to find middle ground between the two extremes.

recently, i was presented with the idea that kissing should be seen in the same light as sex. every time you do it with someone else it becomes less personal, more casual. have we really mutilated and perverted the kiss? is it something that should be preserved for only one person? i still haven't found the answer to this question. it seems rather logical for a kiss to be held to the same respect of sex. after all, it is an intimate experience shared between two people, pleasurable and releasing endorphins while increasing your heart rate and exchanging fluids. that sounds alot like sex, doesn't it? but yet it doesn't have the same level of intensity as sex. fluids aren't streaming out of every orifice of your body (haha house quote), parents find it censored enough to do in front of the children, and no tissue is broken during your first kiss. a kiss seems like it should be a pure experience that couples can share. yet should it be? have we lowered it to be so simplistic or was it meant to be that way by God? (i want to hear your opinions, comment or myspace me)

this brings me to my personal question and mental battle. "do i want to date/have a relationship in high school?" previously, my answer would have been a hasty yes but i'm not so sure anymore. on one hand i'm tired of being the third wheel, yet on the other hand i don't know if i'm mature/stable enough to handle a full on lengthy relationship. i promised myself that i would at least wait until after summer to enter a relationship, but now i'm not so sure. the summer seems long and i'm tired of playing the role of being the single friend. at the same time, i'm not sure how easily i could get into a relationship with a guy that i actually wanted to try going out with. according to a certain friend, i'm stuck in the friend zone. i'm stuck as the friend who is good to talk to, fun to hand around with, but when it comes down to it, you'd never go out with her because you could never see her than more than a friend. this is frustrating beyond belief. how do i get out of that zone? there's not much i can do, besides turn into a slut (not happening).

and now, i seem desperate. definitely a bad time to look for relationships, yet how do you get out of a desperate stage without going out with people? do you just forget the warnings? do you wait it out until your happy being single and someone seeks you out? i'm completely lost. . .

last paragraph, i think. my parents and dating. my mother has directly told me that she doesn't want me to date until i'm done with medical school because she thinks 16 year old boys are better at sexually manipulating women than 29 year old men. my father refuses to give me an answer. so far, all that i've gotten out of him is that he knows he can't stop me from dating but doesn't want me to start until i'm 18 at least. in my point of view, it would be a lot better for all of us if they would approve of me dating. whether or not they approve of it, i'll probably end up doing it. if they approve the relationship can be out in the open and they can somewhat censor it and at least have somewhat of a say in what happens. once i turn 18 they won't have that privilege. it would also be a lot easier to learn how to balance out a relationship and education in high school than it will be when i'm in college. i'm still building my argument for when we get into this fight again. . .

okay. i'm all written out. i'm tired and my computer posture is really taking a toll on my back.
i'm out.