Football Tournament, Part 2

so I wasn't expecting to go today, but Mikeal talked me into it last minute last night.
& once again, it was hecka fun.
After watching a game we hung out for about half an hour, & then the guys were starving so Priya drove us to In-n-Out. Right before leaving school campus we rear ended the lady in front of us. Epically scary. Priya has only been driving about 8months and all of us in the car have our permits, so we could all get in trouble if the cops came.
Luckily, it was the other lady's fault because she shouldn't have stopped since the light was still green. I didn't notice because I was freaking out staring at the white bumper we were approaching way too quickly.
Anyway, we came back from In-n-Out, made fun of Bryanna for being crippled a bit longer (she tore her ACL in volleyball & then re-injured it playing volleyball before she was supposed to; the first time she tore it I was nice & sympathetic, the second time it was her fault :P), said bye to Gustavo (I won't see him til Jr/Sr Bible Conf T-T), & went home

Highlight:
"MIKEAL, STOP LYING TO ME! Resist your racial tendencies!" -Me
"He is, if not he would have already stolen the car." -Stephen

football tournament

was so fun today. :D
I spent a lot of time with Priya, which we haven't done in a long time so it was quality time for us, however lame that sounds.
I know it sounds terrible, but I have to admit I like her better single because when she was with Charles she neglected her friends a LOT; but at the same time, she really misses him. . "/
Anyways, football tournament was really fun, although Lincoln (tuba player at band fest, 7ft tall) forgot me. ><; that was a downer. But it was really REALLY fun to see Gustavo again. :D I can't wait til Jr/Sr Bible Conference to get to see everyone again.

HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT:
While watching the RAA vs. LAAA game, Priya and I were sitting on the side lines. Some random parent came & stood in front of us and I was like "Ah, booty!" and my ex-friend's boyfriend & his team mate turn around & look at me like I'm a super freak. ><; Priya & I just lawld it off.

wow

I would find a way to ruin my perfectly good day. = =

note to self:
1. you can't do everything.
2. remember your priorities. God->family->friends->school->social.
taking care of others is really important.
3. remember: it's in your nature to be a crappy friend. you neglect those closest to you.
you have to fight against that.
4. do your geometry homework before midnight.

Breakdown.

I hope this old train breaks down
Then I could take a walk around
And, see what there is to see
And time is just a melody.
-Breakdown, Jack Johnson.

I used to think that all I needed to solve my problems was time. Time to think things through, time to talk to people and get my priorities straight, time for drama to settle. Time fixes all things, doesn't it? I thought that if I simply had more time, I could change things, I could make them better.

When you're lost, you're supposed to find and hug the nearest tree. I forget which book it was, but it said during a storm you were supposed to tie yourself to the tree at the highest point of the island (it was another "oh no we're stranded on an island book").

I think that's what I need to do right now. I need to find a stronghold and brace myself for upcoming events. I have to hang on and not worry, these things will pass and slowly solve themselves. The situation is no longer part of my control. I need to trust God, to let Him solve it. To let life take it's course.

Stress is piling up right now. I don't know where it's all coming from. Suddenly my Chemistry text book is slapping me, suddenly I'm lost in a world of proofs during Geometry class. I don't know where it's coming from. Suddenly I don't know who my friends are anymore. . . Suddenly I don't know. . .


side note: awesome song, Fallin for You, Colbie Caillat.

LSU Band Fest part 1

Band Fest. . . band fest. . . band fest.
I don't even know where to start.

So first day we show up at rehearsal. I knew I would be third part (big downer) but I thought that I would at least be primary third. Wrong. Third part, second chair = failus maximus. I actually felt really bad about that for a while. . . Then I realized that the primary third sucks bouncy balls. She allegedly only practiced once out of Festival and if that's true then I have to give her props for catching onto hard runs quickly, but besides that. . . yeah. . . I honestly don't mean be pompous but I know that I and several other thirds were better than her. She has a really bad ear so she's usually sharp and doesn't understand the concept of dynamics or holding notes for their full length. I ended up talking to Sharla about it and she said it was probably just he needed a stronger player in the thirds. That made sense but I still wondered why I wasn't primary. . . then I figured out her father is not only the church organist but also the festival organist. . . FML.

Anyway, band fest overall has been really fun. Most of the music we're playing is fun and we're doing the harder things with LLA Symphonic so I don't have to worry about hard runs. . . just playing third sucks. I've actually learned a lot from this clinic. My ear has improved a lot, I learned more about perfect intonation (if two instruments are perfectly in tune you should hear a soft ringing of the same not about 5 octaves higher), and I learned some about intervals (minor thirds are also called the interval of youth because it's the first interval you learn, it sounds a lot like whining or teasing). There's a lot more that I've learned, but it's hard to recall it's forced.

I realized how much LLA is hated. Our director, Dr. Mahr, called both Sharla & I out on minor things while overlooking others. . . that was frustrating. New Berry was allegedly bashing on our school as well. "/ it's weird. I still prefer to be hated and go to LLA though because our band program. Some of these kids. . . they don't know what a lot of things are (ie. 1 Player, Solo).

The social side has been pretty fun. I dormed with Missy & we were suite partners with Rae Anne and Sharla. Some people from other schools can be kind of jerkish, but as a generalization the ones that I've talked to are really nice. Some guys from our school were being complete idiots though. Night #2 DB1& DB3 to hit DB2 in the nuts, and then DB2 decides to hit DB1 in the nuts harder, and finally, DB1 hits DB3 for a second time. Keep in mind that this is all in church after rehearsal. Brass boys at my school are poopoo heads.

We also met our Director's BFF. His name is Coffee I believe. Did sectionals with us. . . a pretty cool guy.

I also realized why college kids love coming home. Your own house, your own food, your own shower. It's nice.

Things have kind of been whack. One of my college friends at LSU totally awkwarded out & gave me a bit of a cold shoulder. Back here at home things have been crazy & weird. Boy on boy action + WB. . . crazy.

Peace. More to come later.

Why do I belive (more to come later)

So this year I finally get to take a real religion class. No more History of Religion stuff. It's legit thinking now. Well as legit as you get for high school students, at least. We were presented with the question "Why are you a Christian" and nobody really had an imediate answer to give.

This made me wonder. . . My first response was "because I need something to believe in". In my mind, I need relevance. I need to know that there's a point. I couldn't live life thinking that we live and die, there has to be more. I need hope. I need something to believe in.

That begs the question, "How do you know that there's something to believe in?" I know there's something to believe in because I've felt it's presence. Some say that this is merely a conjured fake feeling, but it can't be. You can't know what something feels like until you've felt it. You don't know what a kiss feels like until you've experienced it, you don't know what water feels like until you've been wet. I've felt some type of presence, some type of peace. It's impossible for me to have created this feeling, for me to have learned how to merely summon the right endorphins. There has to be some existent superior factor to have allowed me to feel this way.

This leads to yet another question, "How do you know that the Bible is true". This is another thing that you can't really be sure about. I believe it's true because it's existed and outlasted so much persecution. There are so many Christians that believe in the Bible, can you really dare say that they're all wrong? I know that's filled with gaps in logic, but it sort of makes sense, to me at least. This is by no means a band wagon thing, but really, so many people through such a long time period. . . they can't all be lunatics.

"How do you know Seventh Day Adventists are the correct denomination?" The truth is, I can't really be positive yet. I don't know what all the other denominations believe, but out of the denominations that I am familiar with, Seventh Day Adventism makes the most sense. It doesn't make sense to kill others in the name of religion. It doesn't make sense to literally eat Jesus' body every week. Now I realize that a lot of SDA 'rituals' don't make sense, but that's Christianity, not SDA belief. SDA's 28 Fundamental Beliefs on the other hand do make sense, and I agree with them, making me a Seventh Day Adventist.

I know my argument is fallacy filled, I'm no where near close to perfection on it, but it's a work in progress, and for now it makes sense to me.

It'll Bite You in the Ass Later

I do a lot of things that make me seem to just ask for trouble. For the most part I try to avoid confrontation at all costs, but that just seems to pent up problems & one day that dam of problems is bound to explode. I know I probably shouldn't be so afraid & be willing to take chances, but I can't bring myself to. I'm afraid that I'll lose friends, that I'll end up looking like a jerk. At the same time I'll talk smack without trying to resolve problems. I'll talk about people and my problems with them that I've never really tried to resolve. Things won't magically fix themselves & I know that but I don't have the courage to try to resolve my own problems myself.

I also rarely listen to people who have more experience and/or knowledge on the subject/life in general than me. Example: Mommy says don't be friends with her, she'll end up a slut & use you. I didn't listen, "you don't know her, she's not like that". . . guess what happened? My friend's a slut & constantly uses me, but I don't have the courage to take a stand for myself.

-Sigh- I seem to manage to do things that bite me in the ass. I don't take advice when I know that I should. I'm one of those "learn for myself by making my own mistakes" kind of people. . . yeah, that's a bad type of person to be. . .
I wonder if all people are like me.

Your eyes are holding up the sky-Your Eyes, Alexz Johnson

I've finally discovered what I've found to be so deadly attractive about you.
There's something in your eyes that captivated me.
There, I've found a deep well of something. . .
What it is, I'm not quite sure.
I merely know that it's oh-so bountiful.
Whatever is in there, it's convinced me that you're something different.
That you'll treat me better than others have in the past.
I hope this mystery element proves to be what I'm hoping for,
Some type of kindness, some type of love.
But whta if it isn't? What if it is merely something corruptly concentrated?
A mere thirst to play with emotions, to hurt someone vulnerable, to have some unilateral fun?
That thought frightens me, yet it makes me feel all the more attracted to you.
The way that you look at me. . . it's different, it's special.
It makes me wonder.

Promises broken.

We both broke our promises. Completely shattered, leaving mere shards and pieces behind. Why can't we forgive each other and move on? Why can't we stay friends? Why must you put this barrier between us? You're just as much at fault as I am, why am I the one who has to suffer? You say you're hurting from this too, but then why do you let it continue? In the end, I'm the one who pays the price. This is your decision and I don't get to do anything about it.

Helpless. Desperate. Shocked. A little girl that is left standing on the porch. It's raining outside, the cold is numbing but it doesn't matter. Maybe if she stares long enough he'll feel her eyes trying to drag him back and turn around. The rain is pouring harder, the clouds are growing darker. Seconds turn into minutes, minutes turn into hours. She can still see his figure disappearing into the rain, it's branded into her memory. He's not coming back. She feels it's her fault, no matter what the others say. Weeks later, she finally manages to contact him, but all she is offered is a few dry words. . . it does nothing to ease her stiff aching wounds.

Every year things become more complicated. Drama becomes more personal, more vile. People become harder to understand, harder to relate to. These are the things that make me wish I could be a freshman again, these are the things that make me wish I had made different decisions; but then I remember the person I was freshman year and shudder, and I remember the other people I've met along the way and realize it will be worth it in the long run.

Choosing My Battles.

Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
-Come Right Out and Say It, Relient K

You say you want me to just say it. You say you want complete honesty, but I really don't think you can handle it. There are so many things I want to just blurt out but I know if I let those words past my lips I would regret it. These words that I have stored inside, these thoughts that linger in my head. . .they are so poisonous, so deadly. If you had the slightest idea you would be shocked. I can't be honest with you, I care about you too much. You say I will never solve anything that way, I call it choosing my battles. There are simply some things that are worth saying, and some that aren't.

There are more constraints put on my words than you notice. Some thoughts that fly inside my mind would kill relations instantly. Some thoughts that fly inside my mind would be frowned upon by society and more importantly, my friends. Some thoughts that fly inside my mind, as I said, would poison you. Some thoughts that fly inside my mind would make you think so lowly of me, I can't bear to let you know. You say I will never solve anything this way, I call it choosing my battles.

Obscurity.

Thoughts fly, thoughts fly; head spins, head spins.
The darkness is overwhelming, heavy upon your conscience.
The darkness is full of wonder, full of fright, full of unanswered questions.
It comes and won't leave without an answer, yet finding that answer seems impossible.
You feel like a blind man, stumbling along. The darkness has completely blocked out the sun.
You crawl from door to door, begging for help but everyone's suggestions seem inadequate. This is an answer you have to find for yourself.
There is danger in this black scenario. You can't see that terrible figure but you can feel it's presence weighing down your heart.
You know it is merely a matter of time until it pounces upon you, tearing your emotions to shreds.
What will become of you now, will you give in along the way?
Will you finally find that light, your answer, and be able to push back these tormenting clouds? This agonizing smog?
There seems to be no hope. Someone will die along the way. It seems like the darkness will soon overtake the entire city.
Will you sit there and watch as your life is thrust into permanent obscurity? Or will you fight the battle in which victory seems so unlikely?

Quick Update #5

Junior year has been such a hassle, but it's surprisingly enjoyable. I don't mind the work, I'm getting to bed at somewhat decent hours. It feels good to apply myself again. I really miss office though. I hate seeing the idiotic things the class officers throw together and not being able to do anything about it. "/ I'm thinking about running for SA (Student Association) second semester. . .maybe secretary or something, but working on Talent Show would be hell on earth.

The La Sierra Band Fest audition music was handed out today. The audition is in a week. Given, it's not very challenging but still I'd like at least two weeks to prepare. I wish we were going somewhere further as well. Last year, we went to Walla Walla & that was really fun. The snow, the Rook games, the 09ers. Good times.

As for my classes individually. . .
-Team Activities (Pe) is the usual. We have a huge class though. It's pretty fun with Sharla, Katie, and the other Hillary.
-Theology, Philosophy, & Ethics isn't exactly what I had hoped for. It feels like a regular religion class, when I was hoping for a more discussion based class.
-Chemistry isn't exactly my cup of tea either. Dr. Benson doesn't lecture so you have to teach yourself quite a bit of the stuff. Today my chem book was stolen. . . FML.
-Honors American Literature is rather flustering. Mr. Stone gets really impatient and hates when you ask him questions to double check. He's a fun guy, but very intimidating.
-Symphonic Band IS HUGE! We have +100 people, way out of control. Never again Mr. Santos, never again. *The two freshman who sit behind me are oh so very annoying and LOUD.
-US History is really easy. Mrs. Yapshing is pretty cool. Really classy, pretty professional, it's a nice feel. I also have Priya, William Bogger, and JAIME (yes, he's back at LLA!) in my class, that's very entertaining.
-Geometry is going to get really difficult, really quickly. On the bright side, it's practically Mr. Jarrard's sixth period all over again. Extremely enjoyable.
-Spanish II is good. I like Mrs. Saeger, Profe. She only speaks to us in Spanish, which is very good for the conversational side.

Alrights, I'm out.

I'm in Check, Mate.

How do you have this power over me?
Who died and made you king?
I don't know why you would play me like your poor lifeless pawn.
I am slowly being annihilatedby the girl you have chosen to be your queen.
Why would you do this to me? You promised you wouldn't.
You promised you would keep me safe, you said you were different than the rest.
Yet instead, you have ruthlessly thrown me into your game.
It is just another game for you, I'm almost sure.
All you care is that your queen is satisfied, that she has enough tears shed to give her satisfaction.
I want to resist this terrible opression.
I want to rise up and show you what I am worth,
but I feel that if I do attempt to do so, you will merely push me down again.
Reminding me that I am a mere pawn in this game.
Maybe one day I'll be able to cross this love game of a board, but that day is so far away. . . maybe even too far away.
She has set so many traps for me along the way. . .
I am younger, inferior.
She has so many years of experience at this game and she has made a point to show that.
She has trapped me in her path. . .perhaps I should turn and retreat while I still have that option.
Why won't you stop her? Do you not want me in your life?
I want to stay a part of you, please let me. I'm still fighting this battle, although the chances of overcoming are so slim.
Let's at least compromise, don't let her play a dirty game.
Stop giving her tips for how to win and give me a fighting chance.
Allow me the chances you are allowing her. . .
I could show you. . .or at least I would try.

I'm over it.

I'm tired of our stupid arguments. I'm tired of you bringing up the past. I'm tired of wanting to cry on the phone, trying to decide if I want to let you know, and merely ending up sitting in my tears once you hang up on me. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of telling you to fix yourself, and of you telling me to fix myself. I'm just over it, it's not that great of a relationship.

I've tried to callous myself towards you, yet you just made me feel guilty in the end. I don't understand why you do this to me, why we do this to each other. Why can't you just understand we're too different, we're just not cut out for each other. Why can't you just cheer up and put a mask on, like the rest of the world. If you pretend to be happy for long enough, maybe you'll end up that way.

I hate how jealous you are, you don't have that right. I hate how hypocritical you are, your double standards are sickening. I hate how you can't understand me, how you refuse to understand me. I hate how you try to pretend like you haven't changed, when I know we both have. I hate how no matter what happens, in your eyes I'm the one to blame. I hate how you try to force me into living and holding up your ideals, when they're not mine. I hate what you turned me into. I hate what you let me do to myself. I hate what you did to get my attention, you selfish child. I hate what time has done to us, too much of it. . .I think it's time we go our separate ways. . . yet I hate how I can't stand to see you walk away so miserably.

I'll pay later.

Have you ever done something you knew would hurt you more later? I don't mean like not studying for a test or stealing something. . . I'm having trouble putting what I want to say into words. To cut to the chase, for me it's looking back in my pink book. The pink book is a compilation of other people's poems, my poems, and quotes. I like looking back in it, but afterward I'm always put into a really strange mood. . . it's kind of like a quiet sadness? Weird analogy, but it feels like a dog's pitiful whimpering. . . it's a disturbing feeling.

Let's go back to yesterday,
When you made my problems go away.
Everything was so simple,
Laughing, talking, hanging out.
But nowadays everything is so different.
I don't think things will ever be the same.
The warmth in your smile, the laughter in your eyes...
Gone. Like yesterday.
--anonymous.

Tear Jerker

Following ShaneDawsonTV on Twitter led me to this video. It's kind of cheesy, very optimistic, but I thought it was really cool. Quite the tear jerker.

Blogging for the sake of blogging.

There's a cathartic feeling I get from blogging, however lame that may sound. I really need an outlet right now, so much stress, tension, anger, irritation. . . all those nasty feelings I need to let out.

FRIEND DRAMA MUCH? Hun, we didn't like him from the start. I thought it might be okay in the middle but you guys still had serious issues. What were you thinking? You know that you don't touch freshman. They're immature, they're going to grow up, they need to strengthen their friendships. We all told you to take it slowly, but you didn't listen. It's hard to listen to the voice of reason when you're crushing, I know. In short, a friend's boyfriend is holding double standards. He flips out when she admits that someone is attractive, but now he's flirting with a new girl who doesn't know he has a girlfriend; ignoring his girlfriend for her; and even considering breaking up because his friends, who can't even manage their own lives, say he should. Way to go, idiot. Way to be a jerk. She would do anything for you. She's so blindly in love with you, yet here you go throwing that away. Idiot. It's going to be hard to get me to approve of you again.

Since that big catastrophic event, I've been feeling really strange. . . I don't really know why. It's like a bit of the sophomore-me came back: stoical, cynical, angry. It sucks to see those characteristics reappearing in me, but I can't stop it. I don't have enough energy to stop it. I'm so drained out already, this is ridiculous for the beginning of the year. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm gone.
I'm ready for the weekend, hopefully that will give me the restoration that I need.

Huge topic change--
It really annoys me when people go to church just to see their friends. I wouldn't care if they acted respectfully, that would be fine actually, but when he/she comes and is loud, rowdy, and disturbing? I don't think that's okay. You should be there because you want to learn more about God, you want that community with Him and that relaxation with fellow believers, not to see your friends or because your parents made you. That's the dilemma, is it better for those disturbing people to come and distract others or not come at all and possibly miss out on the one thing that could have changed them?

Beautiful.

Thank you Lord, for always working beauty into the biggest crisis. You have what I need, you know what we all need.

I was in church today, it started out like every other service, yet half way through I doubt there was one completely dry eye in the sanctuary. It's puzzling how an event can affect you, even after so much time has passed.

Stephen Dysinger was a boy in my class who lost his battle with cancer our pre-8th grade summer. We didn't talk much in Junior High, but there was still they Hey-How are you doing-We're still praying for you, casual conversations between us. When he lost his battle, not only my entire class but also the whole church had a hard time believing that such a young and active person could have really been gone.

Stephen's life was filled with so many testimonies: the story of how he was determined to drink water by himself a few days before we lost him; how he understood that death could come and take him at anytime yet was ready for Jesus to be the next being he saw; just watching him defend his little brother, William, who has down syndrome. Stephen's life wasn't easy by any means, but it was beautiful.

He has still managed to be a testimony for us, even though he's no longer with us. Today, Call to Prayer was given by Khoury Knowlton, a very active member in church. He played the part of Jesus in the church's Easter Play. After the Easter Play, William was one of the many children who came to say hello to Jesus, but he was a bit different. He locked eyes with Mr. Knowlton, which is a bit of a strange act from such a small child. His gaze didn't leave Mr. Knowlton's eyes as he bent down to say hello or as he said "You have Stephen." Mr. Knowlton thought it was merely a case of bad grammar, "Yes, I knew Stephen," he replied. "You have Stephen," repeated William. "Yes, I knew Stephen," said Mr. Knowlton. Even as William walked away, he kept looking back, he didn't want to break that eye contact. Later, Mr. Dysinger approached Mr. Knowlton and explained that William thought he was Jesus, and it finally hit Mr. Knowlton that it wasn't just improper English, it was that William knew and believed Stephen was in Jesus' arms.

Lord, thank you for the Dysinger family. Please bless them as they have blessed us. . . they have had to go endure so much pain but so many are blessed at their expense, please let them know that. Please give me the faith of a child, like William. He may not understand everything, but he understands you. Give me that privilege.

This isn't a plea for your pity, this isn't a show of spirituality, this is reality. This is my life. We've finally learned to cope with Stephen's death and stop mourning his death. It's okay, he's in peace now, he's with Jesus now. We will see him again. Thank you Lord, for always working beauty into the biggest crisis. You have what I need, you know what we all need.

I Got a picture in my head today
Of how Heaven might look someday
I see the people there so I pull up a chair
And their stories they blew me away
-Thirteen, Matthew West.

Fashion Valley, 8/17

So Yan and I went down to Fashion Valley in San Deigo yesterday for her birthday, it was so much fun.

We left around 8:30 but I was running late as usual, she almost came to pick me up from my house but I was a few streets away. We got there around 10:30 & went to Forever 21, where Yan spent almost all her money. In total, I bought a bag from Charlette Rouse, a hat from Forever 21, birthday present for a friend form Forever 21, and Yan's NIKES from . . . some store. Side note, I'm really bad at buying presents. I never know what to buy and end up being really late in the gift giving.

We had really good lunch though. It was some Japanese place, but they had amazing chicken and at a good price too! Yan's friend, Jen met up with us and she was really cool and really really pretty, Chinese girl, no wonder. Haha. For dinner we went to some pretty ghetto place, but it's okay because we just had Green Tea & Taro Tart. It was really good, although it looked like Play-Doh. We saw a leng zai at this Chinese/Vietnamese market, he was really, WOW. Leng Zai alert!

That was pretty much it, doesn't sound like all that when I write it, but it was. It was worth it, and very much so. :)

Dear Ms. Swift:

I love your lyrics. Story of my life, right there. But on the other hand, I hate how overrated you are. I hate how all of your music videos end so happily. It's too unrealistic for me.

Thank you.

The end.

Awesome songs I've been needing to share.

I don't know if you've ever found really awesome music and just felt desperate to share it, but I have recently and just wanted to open myself up. :> enjoy. ^-^

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

oh no.

Oh Leng Zai, please don't do this to yourself. I've seen the path that you're beginning to follow, in fact I've walked down it myself. Please take my warning, it will only lead to more wounds. Please, please why won't you listen? I know I can help you, I've learned from my mistakes, why must you be so strong willed? This will not end up well. This path leads to your demise. The further you go the fewer trails you will cross that allow you to escape. Eventually it will be too late. Eventually not even I will be able to save you. Please listen while there is still time. Even if you escape in those last few moments by then you will be so damaged both you and I will wonder if your escape was really worth it. By then you will be so mangled, you will be in so much pain. . . if only you knew the agony awaits you, if you follow her down that path.

I know why you won't listen to me although I wish that it didn't, maybe then I wouldn't feel so guilty. I know you won't listen to me because I'm a biased opinion. I'm jealous that she has so many invisible strings attached to you, like a mere puppet when you are worth so much more. She can do so much to you. She can make you smile, she can make you frown, she can make you say the most hurtful words imaginable. . .all with the slightest movement of her fingers. I wish I had that power over you. I would make you happier than you can imagine as you stand there on that dark, dark path.

Despite all the good I know that I could do for you, I know that you won't listen to me. You must learn your lesson the hard way, just like I did. I can't save you, no matter how long I try. I'm fighting a war that was lost before I even stepped foot onto the battle field. It's time to give up. You're hurting me more than I'm helping you. I can't hold on any longer. This is your last chance, Leng Zai. You know that if you give me even the slightest glimmer of hope I will stay, but I don't think you will. You want me to let you go into her cold arms, well towards her cold arms at least. You know that they are already occupied by another man, and once she dismisses him it will be only a short while before another comes and fills his position. That brief period of time is no where near long enough for you to reach her castle. There are already so many on that road.

This is your choice. I'm so very sorry you've made this decision but I can interfere no more. I'm letting you go now. You know I will be here for you when she breaks your heart again, when she circumcises you and throws your foreskin in your face laughing all the while. You know I will always be here for you, but you must come back to me. I won't go searching for you again. I can't promise I will be here for you in the same way, I can't promise it will ever be the same, but I will still be here, Leng Zai.

I wish I could say that I hope you two will end up together, but honestly I don't. I'm selfish, you should know me by now. What I will say is that I hope you don't get too hurt, I hope you recover, I hope all of your wounds heal. I wish you the best.

I Love You, Leng Zai.





Now if you read this and began to wonder if it was about you, don't allow your mind to even begin to explore that possibility. How dare you think that you were important enough to have this affect on me? Don't make that mistake again. If you read this and began to wonder who this was written for, don't allow your mind to begin to explore that possibility. This is one of those things I wrote for myself. If that information was for you, I would have told you.
Goodnight. :)

where did time go?

Who stood up? Who walked up to the clock? Who pushed that minute hand with all their might? Who made it spin faster and faster until it finally reached it's climax, plateaued, and slowed down?

How did this happen? Was it not yesterday that we were all so eagerly awaiting our first day of high school? Wondering what new friends we would make, what our new classes would be like. It could have been two days ago that we were all signing 8th grade yearbooks, promising to never forget the memories we shared, giving our word that we would always be friends.

Now here we are. It's not just two days later, but two years instead. We've all grown apart, we've moved on, made new friends, joined new cliques. Sure we'll say hi when we pass in the halls but it'll never be the same. Not to say that these years with new friends haven't been great, not to say that they haven't been fun; it's just a bit sad to see how we've changed, how we've grown, how the best years of our lives are flying by.

Jaime.

Jamie "Jamal" Vargas will no longer be attending Loma Linda Academy. :(
This makes me very sad. I will no longer have a 5'7" Thexican's weenus to hang onto while we walk from class to class. I will no longer have a conceited little cholito in half of my classes. I will no longer have a music-ADD muchacho who wishes he had a tail to help me with the million things I have to carry from class to class. I will no longer have a patronize-r to calm me down when I'm stressed. This coming school year, I will be missing a very close friend.

I love you Jaime!

They've taught me how to talk.

Let's Dance-Hawk Nelson
They teach us how to talk, they'll teach us how to walk
They'll teach us how to dance just like this
They'll teach us how to dress in nothin' but the best
It's all about success

Why do we fill our heads
With these things that all make no sense
We're no different from the rest
We're all just tryin' to shake this mess


My personality is altered far too easily. Simply the people I hang out with can change the way I think, the vocabulary I use, even my subconscious gestures and body language. I need to remember who I am, and not let my identity be altered and morphed to please whoever I'm with. Especially now. . . everyone seems depressed and I feel like I'm no longer very good at cheering people up. If I let their depression get to me, I won't be able to help them either. I'm proud of myself though, so far I'm holding up.

Today was. . . today. I had some really good Starbucks today. I was falling asleep in freaking Driver's Ed today, so I broke my caffeine rule and treated myself. Tomorrow should be my last day.

PowerHouse was really fun today. We just kicked back & talked, goofing around. I met Shyana's friend, Terry, from Diamond Bar. Cute kid, pretty funny but way too shy. Shy had introduced him to me on the phone & he was fine, but in person--way too shy.
For me, there was this really cute white guy. Good personality, nice smile, MY AGE. The works. Too bad he lives in Oregon. Distance always gets me. :( I got his messenger though, just in case he comes back to California. ;) I should have gone for the phone number, but that could have gotten a bit awkward with so many people there, including my mother. Hah.

Mastering the Art.

It's a good feeling to own an instrument. Not in the sense of having an object of value in your possession (although that is a great feeling) but to master it, to immerse yourself in it, to be able to express yourself through it. To be able to pick up your instrument and a piece of music and absorb so much from a mere piece of paper with little ink blotches and feel your fingers snap into place without even thinking about the notes; to feel the beat, tap your foot, and fall into time with a band. It's a great feeling. It gives you a high that is only accomplished through music. There's nothing like it.

On a note of a different length, Driver's Ed today. . . eight hours of rewording/summarizing a textbook. It's worse than seventh grade World History with Mrs. Miller. Thank goodness of my iPod. I updated it last night and now it's so awesome & full it's lagging. I need to buy a new MP3, I currently have a Shuffle with the minimum memory. . . it holds about a hundred songs. . .music wasn't my thing in eighth grade & now I'm paying the consequences . I think I might be buying one from Yan. Apple is overrated & expensive. . .unless someone has an iPod they're selling. I might be interested. ><'

Current song addiction--7 Nation Army, The White Stripes.
I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back

I'm also liking Kate Nash and some of the old Kelly Clarkson hits. I was going through my old music. . .I had terrible taste in music.
Tim--thank you, your playlist contains good artists and awesome songs.

To do: Learn how to cook Ketchup Rice for Yan & I . :D

I'm also finding out who I am this summer, or at least I think I am. . .My friends rub off on me too much for me to be sure sometimes. . .but as of this moment:
I'm the basic one. I try to practice frugality. Corny sense of humor. Optimist. There's alot more I've learned about myself, but it's hard to put into words, and it's for me, not the people who merely read my blogs. I love that you do, but spend time with me to learn. Life's no fun if everything's simply spelled out for you.

Quick Update #2.

No time for contemplation tonight. It's 2AM & I have Driver's Ed tomorrow at 9. I just felt the need to blab about my life for a bit.

So I'm REtaking Driver's Ed this week. Started yesterday & go until Thursday from 9AM-3:30PM with an hour lunch break. Not very fun. I took it once already, but the company went bankrupt before they issued my certificate of completion. That course was much shorter, three hours for five days I believe. I would have gotten the certificate if it weren't for freaking drill team. . .oh & to top it off, they original drillers decided to cut the team from 9 to 4 three days before drill down. Our class lost before they presented arms.
I know I'm being really mean. . .but I'm bitter about my time being wasted.
Oh well, the original drillers had it rough. They deserve credit for pulling through til the end.
Driver's Ed isn't a total waste though, there's this really cute guy taking it who I went to lunch with. We walked around Redlands Mall for an hour. Hah. Oh well, we're going to lunch again tomorrow, hopefully that will be a bit less ghetto.

I got a . . .I don't know what they're called. Those little bumps on the inside of your mouth that aren't caused by a serious strand of herpes. Cold sores? Boils? Well anyway, I got one of them on my lip, & I have summer band this week. Since I play clarinet, I'm constantly biting my lip. Not fun. Oh well, tomorrow I'm going to Boba with Lewes, Sam & Sharla, so that should be really fun assuming my dad is in a much better mood tomorrow than he was today.

I updated my iPod to a whole new level of awesome. I'm waiting for it to explode any minute now from an overload of amazing. b^-^

Boy update: He is either extremely stupid or is trying to get me to off myself. It's so blatantly obvious that I like him, but he doesn't seem to see it. He flirts with me, and it's too much to be the innate little stuff, but I think that's just because he enjoys flirting. Oh well, his loss&waste of time. I'm not offing myself anytime soon. :D

To Do List:
-Eat healthier, inspired by Ambyr's blog.
-Drink more water so my lips don't take such a toll in summer band.
-Get more of a golden tan. Probably not happening, because I just turn black when I tan.
-Finally buy a new iPod/mp3. Probably from Yan, even tough it runs on Windows Media. I don't really mind.
-Finish The Screwtap Letters. I was reading that & didn't realize it from the point of view of devil's advocate until about a page in. . .FAILLLLLL.
-Get hair cut Wednesday. What on earth should I get?

It's Unfortunate.

It's unfortunate that I'll never be the girl you've built and chosen in your mind. I'll never be the girl that you see on the street and wish you could be with. I'll never be the girl that captivates you after only one conversation. I'll never be the girl who fits into size 00 jeans. I'll never be the girl whose voice makes your heart melt. I'll never be the girl that you wish would just look at you with her gorgeous hazel eyes. I'll never be the girl that makes you wish and long for her attention. That's just not me. What an unfortunate thing.

Instead I'm the girl that's willing to listen, I'm here for you whenever you need me, literally. I'm the girl you think you can read like a book. I'm the girl who cracks corny jokes but still laughs at your worst puns. I'm the girl who is realistic and will blatantly tell you when you're being stupid. I'm the girl who refuses to wear lipstick because it tastes wretched. I'm the girl who will stay up all night, just to talk to you. I'm the girl who doesn't go to wild raves and parties. I'm the girl who would rather stay home blogging and listening to songs with cheesy love lyrics. I'm the girl you keep overlooking because although I'm here, I don't fit the cookie cutter you've formulated in your day dreams.

I wish I could be. I wish I were that girl, but I'm not and you're not worth the change. I can only change so much before it becomes dangerous, before I risk losing my identity. Because of you I began to second guess myself. Because of you I forgot about my friends. Because of you I pushed aside my family. It's unfortunate that you are blind to what I am willing to do for you.

Maybe one day you'll see what you missed, maybe one day you'll realize you made a mistake pushing me aside. But for now, it's just another series of unfortunate events.

Jealousy.

Jealous
Adj--Feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often fol. by of): He was jealous of his rich brother.

When it comes down to it, I am a jealous person. Sometimes I have those moments where I think, "Oh, I'm not that jealous. I don't have to have things just because someone else does," but by the definition Dictionary.com gave me, I am.

I actually am jealous of my brother. He's smarter than me, more athletic than me, and more popular than me. When it comes down to it, I'm still glad that I'm me, not him because he doesn't have the will to apply himself, but still it's a bit of that "ouch" factor that makes me sometimes wish and wonder why I'm not as talented as he is.

I'm extremely jealous with my boys, the ones that are friends. As a generalization, I think girls are evil manipulative creatures that just want to have drama, flirt, and play around. This makes me extremely protective of my guy friends. It's also a bit that I'm jealous of their time. I don't care who you are, you'll never spend as much time with your friends once you have a boyfriend/girlfriend and for high school kids, it seems to be impossible to understand that you still want to keep your friends around and NOT neglect them, not because they won't be there for you later but because friendships are (or at least should be) stronger than high school relationships.

Lastly, I'm jealous when it comes to him. In my past relationship, I totally freaked out about my ex's exes. It was partially due to the situation I was in, but the loathing I had for the most recent ex was inexcusable. I'm somewhat better now. When I see him with other girls, I still get jealous but more of a sad feeling comes with it. That sad feeling sucks so badly. . .It's kind of this gray emptiness that eats away at me from the inside, that I wish I could just throw up and forget about, yet I can't as hard as I try. But I guess me being sad is better than me hating someone, correct?

I don't understand why people try to make others jealous, romantically at least. If you care about someone or even have an interest in him/her, wouldn't you want to keep him/her happy? Why would you want to make him/her sad or hateful towards another person? I honestly don't feel that it makes me like him any more when he talks about other girls, so why does he? And yet, I consider trying to make him jealous, even though it kills me when he does it. (I'm not sure whether or not I play the whole "jealousy" card very often, but like to think I don't. I guess I'll have to start paying more attention.) The worst part is there are so many other people who do the same thing, so I know I'm not just some crazy freak. Is it innate? Is it picked up as we watch other people do it? It makes me wonder. . .

Sophomore Slump.

I'm in writing mood, yet the things I just wanted to talk about have suddenly up and left my head.

Well anyway, today I went to Loma Linda to fix my schedule. To sum it up, I can take Spanish 2 at LLA and I still have two kick-donk teachers for religion. Yet, there was a price to pay and I have to take applied arts my senior year and had to drop Honors Geometry, which really isn't all that big of a problem as I didn't want H. Geo in the first place. So the schedule is settled for now, although I'm going to talk to Mr. Jarrard. . . I'm kind of interested in H. Geo now. . .

Next year will be quite the hassle. I slacked off sophomore year, so now I really need to kick things into high gear. Sophomore slump is no longer an excuse. I must change, not only for my grades, not only for my friends, but for myself. No more leaving lessons unread, no more putting off studying, I have to try my best. I can't let myself talk and rant about my friends, they're the ones that get me through the day--I need to realize and appreciate that. I have to live for myself which means thinking about the future, sleeping more when I can, and taking that stress control B12 stuff. It's time to shape up.

I have to say, sophomore year was terrible both socially and academically. I took my old friends forgranted, placed too much faith in new ones, and was far too judgmental. Well, junior year is coming up. Thank you God for the chance of a fresh start.

Update.

I haven't merely babbled about my life for a while. I think I'll catch up now.

Today-Work with Shyana is actually somewhat entertaining. I still dislike it, but it's not a loathing anymore. Bella, one of the modified workers, was sent back to work today making the work setting a bit more busy and noticeably quieter. On the bright side, on the the clients has a really cute grandson. He's not my type, but it lightens up the day & makes it a bit more interesting. He is however Shyana's type. ;) Kidding, somewhat. Lunch at Carls & Rite Aid. Boba & wandering around the Loma Linda Plaza was really fun, despite the heat. PowerHouse, not too bad although some of the kids who come are idiotsssss. Coach hurt his leg though. . . I'm pretty worried about that. It just kind of sucks to see him finally getting old, I've known him almost as long as I've known Shyana. . .

Life in general-Confusion much? Right when I feel as if I have the answer to my question, I'm presented with another possible answer, another way of looking at the situation. Yet, despite the maze in my head I think I'm finally happy. A friend pointed out that I should be able to like someone without having to strive for a relationship with him, and I'm finally trying to do that. Just be friends. Nothing more. It's hard to stay in that state of mind, but hopefully it'll be worth it. I feel happy. Actually, legitimately happy. It's a very good feeling, I just hope it will last. Relationship with the parents is alright, for the time being, another plus. Relationships with the amigos are rebuilding themselves. The only thing that is getting worse is The Fall. . .we really need to figure out a way to revive that place, without Jr/Sr Bible Conference. . .it's really tough. My spiritual life could use some work too, although it can never be strong enough that's no reason to slack.
Yet despite the change, despite the challenges--all in all, it's a good summer.

I've got this feeling. . .

It's not appealing. At all. I'm not sure what's with me right now, and I can't begin to express how much that annoys me.

I kind of feel. . .bleh. Like I want to throw up my emotions. I want to become an emotional bulimic. Right now, that really sounds heavenly. Even if the process of throwing up those emotions is painful and disgusting, I still feel like having those emotions out of my body would be worth it.

I feel happy. . . like only the best of days can make me, yet my day hasn't been amazing.
I feel self conscious. . . yet don't feel like I have a reason to be, well I don't feel like that at the moment at least.
I feel like I want change. . . yet I'm not willing to change myself.
I feel like I want to grow up. . . yet I know this stage of my life is more than necessary.
I feel confused. . . yet in my head, things make more sense than they have in a while even though it'll be another jigsaw puzzle tomorrow.
I feel tired. . . yet I haven't done anything truly mentally laborious in a while.
I feel used. . . yet can't summon the strength to pull away.
I feel curious. . . yet know that the fire will burn me.

What do these emotions add up to? How can there be so many negatives in my head, and yet happiness is overcoming them all? That's called joy isn't it? But how can I really be joyful when I'm wondering about all of these negative things?

And now. . . I'm just more confused.

Oh My.

When Sam slapped me into a blogging mood, oh goodness did he slap me into a blogging mood.

WARNING. This isn't based on anyone in particular--just thoughts that have accumulated over time, being spilled out in one sitting.

I'm so tired of being "the friend". Guys complain about it all the time, but guess what boys, you do it to us as well. It's not that I don't love sitting here, talking to you about whatever has got you down, but I just want to be able to be seen as more than the friend. I'm tired of sitting back and helping you get with the girl you want all the while watching the boy I want fly by.

I want a relationship. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I'm done with being single. I want to be like every other high school girl for once and flash around the boy friend. For once, I want to be normal.

And now I sound like every other retarded high school-er that's so desperate to enter a relationship. That knowledge is what slaps me in the face and reminds me--I am merely a capricious, confused, little teenager who needs to remember her place in the world. That's such a frustrating realization.

waste my time.

Why do I waste my time on things that I know will piss me off later?
Why do I waste my time on boys if I know that nothing's going to happen?
Why do I waste my time on people when I know we share a parasitic relationship?
Why do I waste my time when I have five other much more productive things that I should be doing?
Why do I waste my time on things I have absolutely no passion for?
Why do I waste my time wondering why I seem to have no passion at all?


I was going to add Waste My Time by Alexz Johnson to this blog, it's a song I used to really like,
but then I realized that I have no clue how to attach audio clips to Blogger and that I had terrible taste in music freshman year.

4AM

So turns out there's really not all that much to do at 4AM. My blogging drive was triggered by Sam's FB note. So now I'm in a writing mood, yet am lacking a subject. Fun times waking up at 3:30 in the morning due to nightmares [NOT]. So this blog will be very interesting. I'll probably re-read it in the morning and realize that nothing makes sense, but oh well. Hopefully "thinking" at this bloody time in the morning will make me tired.

So due to my lovely community service summer job of volunteering at the adult day care, I've been thinking about physical and mental decay for quite a while. If I had the choice, what would I choose? While mental decay would be easier for me, it's extremely painful for the family. Physical decay is a bit more self-sacrificing, but watching your body slowly shut down? Knowing that you could die at any time? Realizing that these are the last days of your life?

I guess that's where wisdom, patience, and gratefulness steps in. Virtues that you've worked on building up your whole life. If you've mentally decayed, hopefully you've built up strong enough relationships that the ones you loved throughout your life will return your kindness and not find too strenuous to take care of you in your intellectually crippled state. And if your mind goes first, then hopefully you're wise enough to appreciate the days you've had and the days you have in front of you.

That's one of the things I noticed at the day care. . . The first day I was there I noticed people are different. They're appreciative, well most of them at least. Miss B especially, she's an older woman, in a wheel chair, left arm in a cast, the whole shabang, yet when you ask her how her weekend was, she replies "blessed". Just something that stuck me as admirable. . .

One day I'll probably look back at this summer and be glad I volunteered at the day care.

Denotation.

Trust. noun--confident expectation of something; hope.
Trust is a funny thing. The words "I trust you" sound so confident, yet really what does one have to base trust upon? Other's actions, other's words? Well many people's actions lie, and many people's words lie. How do you really know if someone is trust worthy? I guess that's it. . .you don't know. Trust is merely a hope. A hope that someone won't fool you, a hope that someone won't lie to you, a hope that someone wont use you. Trust. It seems so strong, so durable but it's not. It's merely another words that we abuse daily.

Love, noun--strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything.
Love. Yet another word that is abused daily. "I love you". Do you really love him/her? It's an emotion. How do you really know when you love someone? When you'd be willing to give your life for him/her? That's so easy to say, but if you had to experience your worst fear in the most gruesome excruciating way possible, would you? Would you go through all of that to save him/her from a quick and painless death? The connotation is so different than the denotation. In my mind, love is a passion, a feeling, an emotion yet in the dictionary it's merely a strong liking or passionate affection? I don't think love can be expressed by mere adjectives and nouns, yet there are some I know who don't go a day without carelessly throwing such a powerful word as a mere verb to make someone feel appreciated.

I'm Sorry. . .

I know you say if I were really sorry I wouldn't do this, but it's something I can't get out of my head. This is my time to fall, all I can do is pray that you'll be there to help me get back up and nurse me back to health. I'm so sorry. I know I said I would heed your warnings, but I can't this time. You were too late, and now I'm far too deep. Please remember I'm sorry, but this is just something I have to do on my own for once. I'm not always right, but you can be wrong--hopefully this will be one of those rare occasions where you aren't correct. I'm sorry. I'm done holding your hand, I'm going now, into the world--to live for myself, to learn for myself. This is my decision, it will affect my life. Please realize that I am sorry that I am putting you through it, using you as a crutch, even through it drags you through the dirt. It's my turn to keep my interests in mind, and stop trying to please you all. It's time for me to make my own decisions, to go make my own path but thank you, for being there along the way. I love you.

Tough Cookie Type of Day.

Today has been so draining. A real roller coaster--endorphins, adrenaline, the whole sha-bang. Woke up early-good. Showed up at IHOP & Alex is eating breakfast with someone else at Denny's-bad. Go back home, talk to friends-good. Apologize for being a jerk to a friend-good. Go to church-good. Hear Kid Gramophone-good. Get into a fight with a friend-bad. Go home and talk again-good. Get into another fight with the same friend-BAD, BAD, BAD! Problems are resolved, but now I'm sitting here feeling empty. Did he mean that? Was that really true? Did he say that out of anger? So many things are running through my head.

So many things are running through my head. Anger, hurt, pain, evil, [non-sexual] perversion. Everything imaginable. Was it really worth it? Would I be happier if I had made other choices? I don't know. I suppose I'm glad it happened--after all, it's made me who I am today, but I honestly do think that I should have done several things differently.

And now I don't know what's happening inside of my head. It's my head, I should be able to figure it out. Denial, doubt, sadness, betrayal--it all fills my head. I don't know anymore--I honestly don't understand guys. Not just recently either, looking back, it's the biggest maze I've ever constructed in my head, and it seems as if all the questions left floating have dead ends. I can't seem to pick the good from the bad until they show their colors. Now even though if they show they're a jerk they're screwed. . . what if that doesn't come out until it's too late? Ugh guys. . .



bastards.

oh leng zai's--when did this become you?

ChapStick.

So we went to Chipotle for lunch today, and I decided to leave my ChapStick in the car since I didn't have a purse. Now I'm a HUGE lip balm addict. The tingly feeling in your lips from the medicated brands, the relief of putting it on after being without it for a few hours, it's a panacea curing everything from chapped lips to a chaffed nose. I absolutely love chapstick. I get excited when I try a new type, lamesauce but it's just that great. When I returned to the car, I oppened my tube of chapstick I foudn it was melted. Not just kind of gooey, but completely melted--as in some splashed out of the tube and onto my hand and I started yelling while about half of the tube fell onto the floor and my clothes. This wasn't any kind either--it was ChapStick Moisturizer, my favorite brand. It's not one of the kinds that don't feel all that great a couple weeks after you buy it, it's feel great practically til the tube runs out. And now, my favorite chapstick is dead. Now I could relate this to life and how the things you love the most always seem to end up burning and blistering you in the end--but no, this was just a blog about how sad I am that my ChapStick died. :(

Although I am looking forward to trying a different kind. I have like four open tubes around my house right now though, but I always lose them!

Fear.

So I found this really good blogger today, I was reading several of his entries and ran across this one:: http://romeosintuition.xanga.com/706896862/foolish-little-girl/. To summarize, it's about his friend who was a good Catholic girl until she turned 18. When she was 18 she found a guy. One of those jerks who's only goal in life is to lay as many virgins as possible. The girl had been raised amazingly, strict enough parents, oldest sibling, model family but when it came down to it--she still fell for bull.

That makes me think, that makes me wonder, that makes me scared, that makes me fearful. What if I end up like that? I tend to have a huge problem holding up what I say. I'm a hypocrite. Just like my parents, just like my teachers, just like everyone else in the world. We all do it, there is definitely something wrong with it but what can I say--we're human. What if this is one of those hypocritical things? Talk is cheap, talk is easy. Actions are oh-so expensive. To carry out something, to hold true to your word--it's one of the hardest things I've come across.

Now I know the obvious thing is--trust God and you'll be good, pray about it and somehow God will pull you through, but don't you think the Catholic girl prayed about it? I believe religious denomination is a small thing to God. He's not going to help me more than he did that girl because I'm SDA. This is also something that I don't believe God can fully take care of. I don't think He'll keep me from having to make the choice of whether or not to have premarital sex out of the question. I know He won't send a big flashing NO, NO, NO YOU IDIOT sign right when I'm tempted. I really don't know how He'll help me and even though I know He will, it's still a scary thought--especially from a girl's perspective.

Quick Blog

Have to go to bed early today, so short gist of the day--
Dropped of Aunt Mina at the airport.
Went to Denny's with the family.
Went to Yan's house.
Myung Ga--mmmm.
Powerhouse rather fun.

That's it. All in all, good day.

Heartless.

How could you be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze?
I mean after all the things that we've been through,
And yet you still want me to watch the way I'm talking to you?
How could you be so Dr. Evil?
You're bringing out a side of me that I didn't know.
I decided we weren't going to speak though,
And now you can't make it right,
I wish I could leave tonight.
--my take on Heartless, Kanye West.

I'm so tired of the fighting. I'm fed up with this. I wish I could walk away. Tonight, I found three words that are obviously not in his vocabulary--connotation, body language, and dialogue. Go ahead, claim that I have everything I want, but that doesn't become truth until I have a happy emotional environment. My friends wouldn't hurt me, boys can't hurt me [anymore]--you're the one twisting the knife in my back.

It's sickening how you destroy everything.
Most of the time I think I'd be happier if you left.
You break your promises one after the other.

Now how dare you try to coat your venomous words, making them look like words of encouragement. How dare you think I would fall for your lies yet again. You made the mistake; you took me to be the child I once was. I'm done with this verbal and mental abuse. No matter how I act, no matter what I do, it's never enough for you.
This is where the road ends, I've had more than enough.


The sickest part is that I know I can't mean these words. I have to forgive you. Not only because my beliefs, my faith but because of blood. Blood is the damnedest thing. It makes you do things that you know are moronic. It makes you forgive the one you know will merely smack you across the other cheek with their first chance. It makes you accept the one who cost you tears time and time again. It makes you pretend like nothing's happened after many verbal wars. It makes you move on after so many emotion and physical wounds have just healed. It makes you prone and open to attack over and over. It makes you relive the pain over and over with the mere hope that everything will be blissful one day, even when you know that's nearly impossible. Yet it's blood. You literally couldn't live without it.

Do you, do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful?

--F*** You, Lily Allen
I miss school. Not because I miss seeing my friends, not because I miss being academically productive, but because I miss the escape. I miss being away from home for nine hours. It's amazing what a difference nine hours can create. The break just makes everything flow so much easier. It gives everyone a chance to take a breather, to think things over, to give everyone a bit of freedom--child and parent. Over summer it seems as if the family is constantly breathing down eachother's necks, 24/7. Plus, homework is a very good excuse to get out of lectures.

Random Factum: I was reading an article today on how Americans should end frugality to boost the economy. Terribly written article. The writer kept trying to taunt citizens into spending by asking what had happened to the American spirit of taking chances. Fail article. It sounded stupid and the taunting was blatantly obvious. No skill.

What's the Cause?

I'm in such a terrible mood right now. I feel so sad, alone even. The worst part is I know that I have at least five friends I could call right now who would be willing to talk to me about it, who would be willing to try to cheer me up, but I don't want to talk. Do I want to feel pain right now? Do I want to sit here and wallow in self pity? What's wrong with me? Right now, I don't even know why I feel like this, it's ridiculous. It's my head, why can't I figure out what's going on?

I really wish I had somewhere I could go to for complete and utter silence, where I could just sit and be alone. Room's don't work. I can hear other people's screams through these paper thin walls. Even up on the roof I hear passing cars, dogs, and moronic neighbors; plus my parents are barely thrilled to hear I'm scaling up to the roof. I want a sanctuary, a safe haven. I miss the lake.

Home Alone

I honestly love being home alone. The sheer silence. Being able to do whatever I want, undisturbed, only talking to the people I want to talk to via internet and cell phone. I love it. I just wish I had those opportunities more often. Or at least a lap top so I could lock myself in a room.

I want to begin taking Sabbath observance more seriously. I want to become more hardcore. Not to the point where I wont cook or bathe on Sabbath, but I need to change some things. I don't really like going out to eat on Sabbath just because we're supporting other people working. . . I should probably stop, but it's just really relaxing to go out to eat with friends after church and not have to worry about cooking/scavenging food and cleaning up afterward. I'm not exactly sure where I'll go with that. I also want to stop doing such secular things on the Sabbath. It's supposed to be a day for me to commune with God and other believers(says Aunty Ellen). Instead, you often find me at the computer watching House/NCIS or sleeping. I think I'm going to try to go to bed earlier Friday nights and be awake all day Sabbath, just rockin' out to Jesus music, thinking, praying, and talking to a few friends. I was reading an old Facebook note that was pretty much a survey for my friends about me. One of the questions is what they would give me if they could. Thank kind of makes me think, God's gift to me was Sabbath. I honestly don't know what I would do without the Sabbath. Even how I observe the Sabbath at this point in time, it's relaxing, a good cool down from the week. No homework, no studying. Just chill. In Jedish's words, "It's Sabbath, everything's good now".

It Ends Tonight.

Work sucked today, who woulda thunk it? It wasn't boring, it's just I was dead tired and I'm not exactly sure why. I didn't stay up till obscene hours of the night as usual, nor did I load up on sugar and/or caffeine the day before, I was merely exhausted. I got to do secretary work today; it's so much better than helping in the Blue room! I felt bad for ditching Bob though, I think he wanted to talk to me. The Fall was a bit depressing. We pretty much failed at announcements, but oh well, beginner's (un)luck(iness). Our video for Craig backfired, I was pretty bummed about that. I'm really going to miss Craig, but we have to move on.

His last advice to me was to think about being a pastor when I grow up. It's really strange. . . I never really considered it. I mean, I love helping with church stuff, listening to people's problems and trying to help, and helping others with self improvement, but pastor? I can't wrap my mind about that. I don't feel spiritually strong enough to guide the spiritual lives of others. I always thought I'd grow up to be a pediatrician, until a few Biology tests into the year that is. Now I'm not really sure if Biology isn't my thing, or if Gonzalez was just not for me. I know she was a good teacher, well at least the whole showing-us-how-this-can-be-applied-in-real-life" aspect but how she explains things just doesn't click for me. And to go into medicine, science and math is important right? Guess what. I'm a math failure. So the medical field is a very fuzzy picture. So option number two? It seems more logical to frame my career around my strengths than to pick a career and hope that I'm talented in that field. So what am I good at? Well, honestly, I'm not even quite sure about that myself. I've found that I typically enjoy my English classes (assuming that I have a competent teacher *cough cough*), so what about something in the English field? What professions work well with an English major? Journalism, writing, law, and obviously teaching English. Well journalism is a tough cookie to get into, and I'm no Sam Sukaton. Next. Writing--I would love to write for a living, but unfortunately unless I can pull a J.K. Rowling it doesn't have a very steady flow of income. Pass for now. Law--I really don't feel like going into law would be my thing. I don't know if I could handle the stress. I might try Mock Trail senior year though, assuming it doesn't crash and burn next year without Mr. Lang. Pass for now. Teaching English--I'm not sure if I would have enough patience for that. Merely imagining being an English teacher. . .I would hate, hate, HATE high school students. Who knows about college level teaching. So I suppose I could try teaching and write on the side, but I don't feel like I would enjoy it as much as pediatrics. Who knows what I'll be when I grow up.

So back to the fall--
This is just a little bulletin I put up on Myspace, but I wanted to save it here on my blog. I just figured it would be a good inspiration for when The Fall days get rainy.
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight.
Let's hope the All-American Rejects are wrong.
Darkness has to turn to light, in a good way.
Everybody, please pray for The Fall.
Craig has done an amazing job, but now it's our turn to become hardcore.
There will be a lot of slack left to pick up, but we can do it.
We have to, lest campus spiritual life return to what it was before. Nonexistent.

So come on, jump a little louder.
Come on, clap a little louder.

Quick Blog

Oh so long day today--
Work at 8AM. I met a senior named Bob; really neat guy. He kind of reminds me of a cross in between Mr. Binkley and Mr. Jarrard. So far, he's probably one of my favorite people from the Day Center. He's in yellow but spent the whole morning in Blue, just talking. Other than that, work sucked as usual. I got all riled up about the baby sitter opening I found in the trading post, but the position was filled when I called at lunch.
Goodbye Craig dinner today. Ultra depressing. It was funny with a million and two good laughs, but when it comes down to it, it was sad.

It's going to be hard to watch Craig walk out of the majority of our lives. It's going to be hard moving on when he barely left us a path to follow. It's going to be hard to pick up the old pieces and dead weight and put together a program, but I guess that's where faith is put to it's greatest test, because when it comes down to it we should be looking to God for direction, not Craig. He's prone to error, just like the rest of us. Craig was a good support along the way, but now we've gotta take off the training wheels and see if we can ride the bike. We just have to have faith in Daddy that he'll help us balance when we start to teeter.

Drive Ins

Drive ins are officially the funnest things ever. I went with Nicole and the Australian girls today to see Public Enemy and The Hangover. Definitely worth it. Public Enemy was a bit iffy throughout most of the movie, but the ending was definitely worth it. I almost started crying. The Hangover was just funny throughout the entire movie. Good stuff.

So, I know I've been away from the blog for a while, I just haven't found anything blog-worthy. So much for the blog-a-day thing, eh? Then I had a little incident today--

I've just realized, this is one of my biggest pet peeves--people who don't follow through. Whether it be someone suddenly disappearing from your life, a flirt who just wants to mess around, or a parent who gives hollow threats--it's annoying. It hurts when someone you respect or even worse, a friend, suddenly decides to up and walk out of your life unexpectedly. Like I've said before, it feels as if he/she doesn't care enough to worry what will become of you in his/her absence. It hurts when a guy who has no intentions of dating you just decides to toy around for a bit too long, believing that there are no strings attached. Now I know flirting is not a contract, but flirting continuously over an extended period of time should be. --Would save me so much grief *sigh*-- And as for the parents, although that doesn't hurt, it sure is annoying. I would rather my parents punish me when they say they will than be softies. I think children are becoming more and more disrespectful due to parents not delivering when they say they will. I'm not exactly sure I would spank a child, but the punishment should fit the crime.

Ahh I think I'm done for the night. Oh but just to make a sad banana a bit happier--
A Biography on Andre Katkov
Andre was born on May 25, 198_(I think it's 9). He currently resides in Yucaipa, CA. His sexual orientation has yet to be confirmed as he has been seen several times in questionable situations with a young Caucasian male believed to be the Ginger--Tim Hergert. Andre likes the color brown, lychee yogurt, and chocolate ice cream. He also drives a blue car.
The End.
PS. He is the author and illustrator of the new founded comic--Kote and dislikes drawing with pencil.
The End, End.

I'm Tired.

Tired of him falling in love with my best friend. Tired of revisiting where I have been. Tired of coming home again. (That was a total take from Lucky, just in case you're completely slow.)

I'm sick of being abused (not physically). I feel like certain people can do the same thing over and over and think that they can get away with it by merely apologizing. I can't take the emotional abuse, it's exhausting. I feel jaded. Like everyone has been taking and taking from me, yet they rarely chose to give back. I know I have more than I should ever ask for, but I just get so frustrated.

I kind of want solitude for once. I want to stay home for a week and not have my family around. If I feel lonely that's fine. I want the peaceful environment that comes with the loneliness. I can't really get that in my house. There's always someone who needs me to do something, or someone barging in, or someone just nagging me.
Random--I think I'm becoming a masochist. Just barely, but enough for me to notice it.

Oh well, now that the stress is all blogged out--This weekend was amazing.
Thursday--Got out late, we just got our stuff out and chilled. CHERRY STEM TYING WIN. That was so much fun. We all just snacked & tied until like 1:30AM. Oh & I met Lauren, Ali's sister. I LOVE HER. She's just chill with a sardonic touch. My type of person.
Friday--Wake boarding was okay. I got up but not very well. My equilibrium is just that terrible. It's so easy off the boom though! I got burnt a bit, not terribly though. Inner tubing was awesome. We all messed up our elbows though. OH and the jet skiis (stand up ones) were real entertaining. And the Sea Doo was alot of fun.
Saturday--Jet skiis and Sea Doo all morning, and then we went in for worship. Deep thinking. The boat malfunctioned, so we didn't go out. We almost sunk Mike's boat because we didn't put the cap on! There was like at least 5" of water in the boat.
Sunday--Knee boarding WIN. That was surprisingly entertaining. Wake boarding win-ish. That darn thing. I can't figure out what to do once I'm up. Haha.

Ahh. I wonder if this tired feeling is how God feels. I know he loves us unconditionally and so much beyond what we can express to others and merely understand, but after a while it seems as if you can't help growing tired. All we do is greedily take more and more. We hurt Him, promise not to do it again, yet fall anyway. It's hard to understand how His love can really be unfailing. I think I felt His love a bit more than usual this weekend. It's almost scary. How do you forgive someone who has caused you so much pain? Simone was telling us about this lady whose family was killed in Rwanda and she forgave the murderer and even let him live with her. How do you do that? How can you be filled with that much compassion and forgiveness? I guess it's just another reason to look forward to heaven.

Lucky.

Today was an odd day. I woke up SO LATE. I was supposed to meet a friend at Boba to say goodbye before I leave for my little weekend getaway and he goes to Anime Expo, and I was nearly two hours late because I over slept and had to wait for a ride. . . I fail. But oh well, it was really fun. After my mom and I went to my cousin's for lunch and she cooked some really good Romanian food as her husband, who is Romanian, is teaching her to cook his type of food. We left late so I got dragged to my mother's doctor appointment. It was an emergency appointment because she's been needing more blood pressure medication and her primary doctor didn't have an opening until August. Her doctor ended up to be pretty cute, but old. Haha. Leave it to me. Ahhh, me and my attraction to insanely old men. Oh well, it's funny. . . . most of the time.

So, I was looking for a deep topic to blog about and couldn't really think of anything, except for everything that I'm ungrateful for. I have a lot of people who love me. I live in an air conditioned home in California. I have two living parents. I have many technological commodities. I know a God. I can be alive without being sustained by a machine. That's so much more than very many people can even ask for, yet here I am whining about my life. I have nothing to complain about. I don't live in a third world country. I don't have to patch my roof with banana leaves. I can communicate with people at all times. I have the education to think and make my own decisions. That's another problem with being an SDA in Loma Linda. I feel like we really do live an a shielded little bubble. We don't see others' pain and struggles. I know we have so many unfortunate people right in San Bernardino, but it seems as if we merely turn them a blind eye and instead focus on the doctors and lawyers that have so much more than we do, materialistically at least. I'm lucky, and I need to remember that.

I feel like I'm drifting.

and not in the cool car manner. I was thinking in the shower today, and I feel like my spiritual relationship with God is weakening. I don't think that it's because all of my problems are over either. I think it may have something to do with the big fight that I got in with my dad. I may have subconsciously been ignoring God because then I would feel guilty for being mad at my dad, yet I still feel as if I have a legitimate reason to be mad. At any rate, my prayer time is going down rapidly. . . I used to spend my shower praying for friends or thinking at least, singing Jesus songs, anything spiritual, but now it's hard to keep my mind from wandering. I know it's probably not the best time to have my daily devotional, but it's just what works best for me. I have a lot of trouble being alone at home and that's really the only time that I really have to myself. . .

On a less serious note, today was an interesting day. Work was exhausting. I got to work with some people from the Yellow Group (the more "normal" ones, if you will). I like them better. I'm not sure why, but I just get along with them better. I think I'll be working with them next time. But back to the Blue Group. I found a lady who reminds me a lot of my grandma. She has the same facial structure and speaks the same. The only obvious difference is Hannah has red hair (dyed of course) and is Hawaiian. I was really liking Hannah, until she snapped at me for trying to take her decoration to hang it up. . . oh well. I think she has Alzheimer's. Today was a bad day for the staff though. At the beginning of each month all the patients have to be weighed, and one of the patients collapsed and took a nurse down with him. The nurse is now on light work (I forgot the word. . .). Another of the patients seized today. I know it's bad, but I'm kind of sad that I missed it. I think it would have been cool to see a seizure in real life instead of on House for once. . .

After work I went to the hair stylist with Shun-yan. Turns out the lady who does my hair, Roxy, is on maternity leave! Trish, my old hair stylist, was busy all day so she suggested Lauren (haha, Big Blue!), and well. . . let's just say Shun-yan isn't very please. I feel terrible about that. . . We went to her house after and I met Helen. It's scary how alike they are.

I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to run for senior office. I may just go SA. . .I'm tired of working my butt off for my class and nobody noticing. I know I don't really have the right to complain, but I have to be honest--it's frustrating
to work so hard yet make nobody happy. It's hard to lose office positions to people who don't do anything as an officer until the end of the year. Oh well, that's high school for ya. But I think I'll try out SA second semester, and we'll see what happens from there . . .

I've decided. This is the summer to mend that certain friendship. If it doesn't happen now, it might never. He's willing to patch things up, and I'm going to make an effort to. I was the wrong one, and I still got the longer end of the stick. This is also the summer where I will try something new. Hopefully no one will get hurt, and if something does happen. . . well that's what happens when you play with fire. There may not be a literal warning label on the flint, but it's assumed.

There wasn't really a deep thought today. . . My first paragraph was supposed to be it, but I failed. Oh well, asta la vista.

I'm out until Sunday in Barstow with Nicole, the girlies, and the AUSTRALIANS. I'm very excited. ^-^ Watch me come back more burnt than a piece of toast. I'm going to try to keep journaling & post it when I return, but no promises.

Peace.

Bigggg Sigghhh renamed:: Self Improvement.

I've been having quite a few of those lately. I have alot on my mind tonight, so excuse me if I don't make all that much sense. I'll try editing it later to try to make it clearer.

WOW. Crazy day today. It was my first day of work. Okay, well it's not really work, just community service, but I'm going to call it work because it sounds that much better. I'm lame sauce, what are you going to do. But anyway, work just downright sucked. I'm working at Loma Linda's Aduly Day Care Center. . .I honestly don't understand how people enjoy it. I was with the Blue Group today (the ones with less mental activity), and it was really frustrating. . .They're like children, but I like children, which is weird. I guess I'm just expecting to treat them like adults and it's frustrating, because I can't. I think why I like children, but not disabled adults is because I know children will grow and improve, yet these adults have no hope. . . And as you blog followers know (all like two of you, atleast), I'm all about fixing people. People. Not boys. Well, boys as in boy friends. I want that freaking shiny red bike. (haha) Anyways, after work I met a friend at Yogurtlicious (I'm ungrounded I guess? I don't know. . .) and we got pretty deep. I thought anyway. I'm really glad I went. I just needed to vent. Blogging isn't enough. I did something REALLY stupid but oh well, won't happen again.

And now for the deeper stuff. . . if I can remember.

I've realized I have a lot of really annoying traits, yet I don't normally notice until I'm out of that phase. . . For example, Freshman year I was obnoxiously loud. I also used to misspell things a lot and not really care, and now it bugs me when people do that. I still don't capitalize, which I just noticed, is also very annoying, so I'm trying to get over it. I'm not normally very strong willed, I need to fix that but I'm not exactly sure how to. . . I need major self improvement over this summer. I also need to start liking people my age. . .(hah)

I really hate it when people underestimate me. I realize the way I act pretty much digs my own grave for me, but . . . I'm not exactly sure how to explain it. I'd prefer for people to underestimate and be surprised than for them to overestimate me and be disappointed, but it gets annoying. The fact that I'm not exactly sure how to prove their assumptions wrong is what I think the problem is. A lot of them don't go to school with me, so they don't see me perform academically; most of them don't see me coordinate anything, so they don't see me when I'm serious; most of them can't see me think. . .Mmmm. Maybe it's not something that can be so easily dealt with. Maybe they'll just have to live with their misconceptions.

Another thing that I need to learn the art of is self expression. I can't usually put my thoughts into words. Not in my head at least. For example, I can write awesome kick-tuckus papers, but I need to think them out and either make an outline or do crazy editing. I just think of too many things and end up getting scatter brained. I do that for my blog so often.

Lastly, I think. . . I need to learn from my mistakes. . .Maybe I am a bit too optimistic. I used to think that I had a good ol' healthy level of skepticism, but maybe I was wrong. I tend to think that just because I got away with something once, I can get away with it again (mainly pertaining to boys, yet not only in the romantic aspect). I need to learn from what I do wrong, and not only learn not to make the wrong choice, but to also avoid situations that will make me make that choice.

Okay, not last thought, I have a bunch more on my mind. . . annnddd as soon as I wrote that, all my thoughts vanished. Great.

Okay here it is--the long awaited (not) deep thought.
I feel constantly abandoned. I've gone through four youth pastors, two campus pastors, and too many teachers. Maybe I just have bad luck. Whatever the case, it just hurts to see a respected authority leave. Like when Mr. Lang left, I just felt pushed aside. Did we really mean so little to him that he didn't give a thought to dropping the academy completely cold turkey? Seriously--how could he be so heartless? He's not the only one who's done this, it's just I cared for him the most I guess. If he/they really cared for us as much as they claim to, why would they, no, HOW could they leave us like that? How could they brush us aside seemingly disregarding our feelings? Maybe when it comes down to it they have to look out for number one as well. Maybe. It doesn't seem to justify the rude and inconsiderate act, but I guess you can't really blame them. It's hard to understand though.

LASTLY! I promise! I need to learn to stop putting people up on a pedestal. I put so much faith in people and put them up so high in my mind, yet that just assures when they do mess up, they'll fall just that much harder. This could affect both them and me. I need to remember that other people are human, just like me. They make bad mistakes and are prone to it. . . I have more to learn than I thought I did. . .

I think I have an unhealthy addiction to House MD

I blame my addiction to House on Hugh Laurie. But Hugh Laurie portrays a rude and arrogant doctor on the show, which leads me to question why girls are attracted to jerks. The most common answer is because girls like "fixer upers". But why? Why would you want the broken, damaged, corroded gray bike when you can have the shinny red one? I understand the whole I want to help thing, but it's possible to help while just being a friend. Why would you fall in love with the broken bike? It just doesn't make sense how there are good looking nice guys who are single while there are dozens of girls falling over the relatively good looking jerk. I guess it's the same way with guys and their cars. But boys are much harder to fix than cars. . .

Today our old neighbors stopped by as they were in CA. That was pretty fun. For the rest of the day I pretty much rotted infront of a 19" LCD monitor at my desk. . . I really want a lap top. A mac. I get too many viruses. I have yet to practice clarinet. I'm not sure if I want to. . . I'm still really mad at my dad. He wants to play rude dictator one night and then go on the next day and pretend like nothing happened. Hah. Not happening.

I also realized that I want to be like my old neighbors when I grow up. I want to be privileged enough to be able to sit back and relax with my husband when I retire. To be the old couple you see at church who still wear their rings. Who walk slowly, yet look so peaceful. Who smile at each other's corny jokes. Who still take road trips, just to get away. Ahh, I miss my old neighbors.

i'm tired of fighting.

Friends, family, classmates. It feels like I'm always arguing with someone. The slightest disagreement turns into a full on verbal and sometimes physical argument far too often. What happened to discussion, what happened to dialogue, what happened to peaceful debates? Would someone please tell me when the connotation of discussion and argument merged? This is a disgusting problem. People claim to want world peace and for our troops to come home. Peace. Is this achievable? We can't even achieve peace in our own homes of an average of four people, and people wish for entire nations and the overall world to have peace? Really? Because that seems like the most bizarre and child like admiration that I've ever heard of. Normally, I'm all up for the peace and love situation, but due to recent circumstances I've become to question my ideals.

Today was such a roller coaster. I woke up to my dad yelling at me about how I'll get jaundice from sleeping too much. According to him, jaundice is when your skin turns disgustingly pale. According to the rest of the world, jaundice is when your skin and eyes turn yellow due to your liver shutting down. --sigh--I found it humorous. I was about to clarinet when my mother came home. We ended up going all the way out to Monterey Park for a family reunion. Great. Not that I don't love my cousins, just I'm tired of certain ones being so spoiled. I realize that I'm spoiled to a certain extent as well, but holy . . . if there were a graph for this sort of a thing, my cousin would definitely be an outlier. Got home & got into a huge fight with my parents that had first started as conversation. Ahhh NOT good times with a man who has no conversational skills.

zommgggg.

My ex is hooking up before me. How is that POSSIBLE?
I broke up with HIM. & now he's hooking up with this shallow net girl.
Ugh, it's not that I have feelings for him, it's just kind of like "ouch, he beat me" kind of feeling, I think? & I don't approve of this girl. . .
This is really REALLY pissing me off. . .

I've Decided. . .

that Michael Jackson is in Miami alongside Tupac. On a more serious note, I hate the publicity that MJ has recently received. It's very disrespectful and nearly irreverent in my eyes. A point that Priya made that I agree with is why is he getting so much positive fame now? When he was alive he was constantly publicly torn down. It was always oh MJ's molesting another nine year old boy, or a South Park joke about MJ, or a joke about the Home Alone kid. And now, when he's gone, we suddenly look back upon his career and say "Oh, MJ broke so many racial and musical barriers with his music". Really? The media has grown so insensitive and cold. I for one loved MJ's music. I remember this past school year Tarik would drop a bass line, Jordi would join in on air drums, and we'd all bust out Billy Jean. Ahh, Michael, you gave us good times. Thank you.

Here's my mini-tribute, call me lame. It's scream, not Michael's biggest hit & I know it wasn't his best, but it's one of my favorites.


So today was a pretty good day. I went to church and it was fun (even though I totally fell off of the stage and broke my shoe). Only Marcello showed today. :( Oh well, hopefully I'll see my kids again next year. Came home for lunch, but 2:00 PM rolled around and I wasn't very hungry. I took a nap and had this crazy dream (as in a bad crazy). When I woke up, I had some good text-versations with people, ate dinner, practiced clarinet, broke in reeds, and talked to Priya on the phone. I'm about to go feed the dogs, relatively productive day, yes? I think so, for a Sabbath at least. I still need to put the pedal to the metal for some Fall stuff. . . --sigh--






I've also decided that I'm going to try to keep my blogs shorter and more personal so that later I can use my blog to reflect on my life later. I'm going to aim for one deep though and just a summary of my day, daily.

Okay, I'm out. Time to feed the puppies.