I've been having quite a few of those lately. I have alot on my mind tonight, so excuse me if I don't make all that much sense. I'll try editing it later to try to make it clearer.
WOW. Crazy day today. It was my first day of work. Okay, well it's not really work, just community service, but I'm going to call it work because it sounds that much better. I'm lame sauce, what are you going to do. But anyway, work just downright sucked. I'm working at Loma Linda's Aduly Day Care Center. . .I honestly don't understand how people enjoy it. I was with the Blue Group today (the ones with less mental activity), and it was really frustrating. . .They're like children, but I like children, which is weird. I guess I'm just expecting to treat them like adults and it's frustrating, because I can't. I think why I like children, but not disabled adults is because I know children will grow and improve, yet these adults have no hope. . . And as you blog followers know (all like two of you, atleast), I'm all about fixing people. People. Not boys. Well, boys as in boy friends. I want that freaking shiny red bike. (haha) Anyways, after work I met a friend at Yogurtlicious (I'm ungrounded I guess? I don't know. . .) and we got pretty deep. I thought anyway. I'm really glad I went. I just needed to vent. Blogging isn't enough. I did something REALLY stupid but oh well, won't happen again.
And now for the deeper stuff. . . if I can remember.
I've realized I have a lot of really annoying traits, yet I don't normally notice until I'm out of that phase. . . For example, Freshman year I was obnoxiously loud. I also used to misspell things a lot and not really care, and now it bugs me when people do that. I still don't capitalize, which I just noticed, is also very annoying, so I'm trying to get over it. I'm not normally very strong willed, I need to fix that but I'm not exactly sure how to. . . I need major self improvement over this summer. I also need to start liking people my age. . .(hah)
I really hate it when people underestimate me. I realize the way I act pretty much digs my own grave for me, but . . . I'm not exactly sure how to explain it. I'd prefer for people to underestimate and be surprised than for them to overestimate me and be disappointed, but it gets annoying. The fact that I'm not exactly sure how to prove their assumptions wrong is what I think the problem is. A lot of them don't go to school with me, so they don't see me perform academically; most of them don't see me coordinate anything, so they don't see me when I'm serious; most of them can't see me think. . .Mmmm. Maybe it's not something that can be so easily dealt with. Maybe they'll just have to live with their misconceptions.
Another thing that I need to learn the art of is self expression. I can't usually put my thoughts into words. Not in my head at least. For example, I can write awesome kick-tuckus papers, but I need to think them out and either make an outline or do crazy editing. I just think of too many things and end up getting scatter brained. I do that for my blog so often.
Lastly, I think. . . I need to learn from my mistakes. . .Maybe I am a bit too optimistic. I used to think that I had a good ol' healthy level of skepticism, but maybe I was wrong. I tend to think that just because I got away with something once, I can get away with it again (mainly pertaining to boys, yet not only in the romantic aspect). I need to learn from what I do wrong, and not only learn not to make the wrong choice, but to also avoid situations that will make me make that choice.
Okay, not last thought, I have a bunch more on my mind. . . annnddd as soon as I wrote that, all my thoughts vanished. Great.
Okay here it is--the long awaited (not) deep thought.
I feel constantly abandoned. I've gone through four youth pastors, two campus pastors, and too many teachers. Maybe I just have bad luck. Whatever the case, it just hurts to see a respected authority leave. Like when Mr. Lang left, I just felt pushed aside. Did we really mean so little to him that he didn't give a thought to dropping the academy completely cold turkey? Seriously--how could he be so heartless? He's not the only one who's done this, it's just I cared for him the most I guess. If he/they really cared for us as much as they claim to, why would they, no, HOW could they leave us like that? How could they brush us aside seemingly disregarding our feelings? Maybe when it comes down to it they have to look out for number one as well. Maybe. It doesn't seem to justify the rude and inconsiderate act, but I guess you can't really blame them. It's hard to understand though.
LASTLY! I promise! I need to learn to stop putting people up on a pedestal. I put so much faith in people and put them up so high in my mind, yet that just assures when they do mess up, they'll fall just that much harder. This could affect both them and me. I need to remember that other people are human, just like me. They make bad mistakes and are prone to it. . . I have more to learn than I thought I did. . .
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I think I have an unhealthy addiction to House MD
I blame my addiction to House on Hugh Laurie. But Hugh Laurie portrays a rude and arrogant doctor on the show, which leads me to question why girls are attracted to jerks. The most common answer is because girls like "fixer upers". But why? Why would you want the broken, damaged, corroded gray bike when you can have the shinny red one? I understand the whole I want to help thing, but it's possible to help while just being a friend. Why would you fall in love with the broken bike? It just doesn't make sense how there are good looking nice guys who are single while there are dozens of girls falling over the relatively good looking jerk. I guess it's the same way with guys and their cars. But boys are much harder to fix than cars. . .
Today our old neighbors stopped by as they were in CA. That was pretty fun. For the rest of the day I pretty much rotted infront of a 19" LCD monitor at my desk. . . I really want a lap top. A mac. I get too many viruses. I have yet to practice clarinet. I'm not sure if I want to. . . I'm still really mad at my dad. He wants to play rude dictator one night and then go on the next day and pretend like nothing happened. Hah. Not happening.
I also realized that I want to be like my old neighbors when I grow up. I want to be privileged enough to be able to sit back and relax with my husband when I retire. To be the old couple you see at church who still wear their rings. Who walk slowly, yet look so peaceful. Who smile at each other's corny jokes. Who still take road trips, just to get away. Ahh, I miss my old neighbors.
Today our old neighbors stopped by as they were in CA. That was pretty fun. For the rest of the day I pretty much rotted infront of a 19" LCD monitor at my desk. . . I really want a lap top. A mac. I get too many viruses. I have yet to practice clarinet. I'm not sure if I want to. . . I'm still really mad at my dad. He wants to play rude dictator one night and then go on the next day and pretend like nothing happened. Hah. Not happening.
I also realized that I want to be like my old neighbors when I grow up. I want to be privileged enough to be able to sit back and relax with my husband when I retire. To be the old couple you see at church who still wear their rings. Who walk slowly, yet look so peaceful. Who smile at each other's corny jokes. Who still take road trips, just to get away. Ahh, I miss my old neighbors.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
i'm tired of fighting.
Friends, family, classmates. It feels like I'm always arguing with someone. The slightest disagreement turns into a full on verbal and sometimes physical argument far too often. What happened to discussion, what happened to dialogue, what happened to peaceful debates? Would someone please tell me when the connotation of discussion and argument merged? This is a disgusting problem. People claim to want world peace and for our troops to come home. Peace. Is this achievable? We can't even achieve peace in our own homes of an average of four people, and people wish for entire nations and the overall world to have peace? Really? Because that seems like the most bizarre and child like admiration that I've ever heard of. Normally, I'm all up for the peace and love situation, but due to recent circumstances I've become to question my ideals.
Today was such a roller coaster. I woke up to my dad yelling at me about how I'll get jaundice from sleeping too much. According to him, jaundice is when your skin turns disgustingly pale. According to the rest of the world, jaundice is when your skin and eyes turn yellow due to your liver shutting down. --sigh--I found it humorous. I was about to clarinet when my mother came home. We ended up going all the way out to Monterey Park for a family reunion. Great. Not that I don't love my cousins, just I'm tired of certain ones being so spoiled. I realize that I'm spoiled to a certain extent as well, but holy . . . if there were a graph for this sort of a thing, my cousin would definitely be an outlier. Got home & got into a huge fight with my parents that had first started as conversation. Ahhh NOT good times with a man who has no conversational skills.
Today was such a roller coaster. I woke up to my dad yelling at me about how I'll get jaundice from sleeping too much. According to him, jaundice is when your skin turns disgustingly pale. According to the rest of the world, jaundice is when your skin and eyes turn yellow due to your liver shutting down. --sigh--I found it humorous. I was about to clarinet when my mother came home. We ended up going all the way out to Monterey Park for a family reunion. Great. Not that I don't love my cousins, just I'm tired of certain ones being so spoiled. I realize that I'm spoiled to a certain extent as well, but holy . . . if there were a graph for this sort of a thing, my cousin would definitely be an outlier. Got home & got into a huge fight with my parents that had first started as conversation. Ahhh NOT good times with a man who has no conversational skills.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
zommgggg.
My ex is hooking up before me. How is that POSSIBLE?
I broke up with HIM. & now he's hooking up with this shallow net girl.
Ugh, it's not that I have feelings for him, it's just kind of like "ouch, he beat me" kind of feeling, I think? & I don't approve of this girl. . .
This is really REALLY pissing me off. . .
I broke up with HIM. & now he's hooking up with this shallow net girl.
Ugh, it's not that I have feelings for him, it's just kind of like "ouch, he beat me" kind of feeling, I think? & I don't approve of this girl. . .
This is really REALLY pissing me off. . .
I've Decided. . .
that Michael Jackson is in Miami alongside Tupac. On a more serious note, I hate the publicity that MJ has recently received. It's very disrespectful and nearly irreverent in my eyes. A point that Priya made that I agree with is why is he getting so much positive fame now? When he was alive he was constantly publicly torn down. It was always oh MJ's molesting another nine year old boy, or a South Park joke about MJ, or a joke about the Home Alone kid. And now, when he's gone, we suddenly look back upon his career and say "Oh, MJ broke so many racial and musical barriers with his music". Really? The media has grown so insensitive and cold. I for one loved MJ's music. I remember this past school year Tarik would drop a bass line, Jordi would join in on air drums, and we'd all bust out Billy Jean. Ahh, Michael, you gave us good times. Thank you.
Here's my mini-tribute, call me lame. It's scream, not Michael's biggest hit & I know it wasn't his best, but it's one of my favorites.
So today was a pretty good day. I went to church and it was fun (even though I totally fell off of the stage and broke my shoe). Only Marcello showed today. :( Oh well, hopefully I'll see my kids again next year. Came home for lunch, but 2:00 PM rolled around and I wasn't very hungry. I took a nap and had this crazy dream (as in a bad crazy). When I woke up, I had some good text-versations with people, ate dinner, practiced clarinet, broke in reeds, and talked to Priya on the phone. I'm about to go feed the dogs, relatively productive day, yes? I think so, for a Sabbath at least. I still need to put the pedal to the metal for some Fall stuff. . . --sigh--
I've also decided that I'm going to try to keep my blogs shorter and more personal so that later I can use my blog to reflect on my life later. I'm going to aim for one deep though and just a summary of my day, daily.
Okay, I'm out. Time to feed the puppies.
Here's my mini-tribute, call me lame. It's scream, not Michael's biggest hit & I know it wasn't his best, but it's one of my favorites.
So today was a pretty good day. I went to church and it was fun (even though I totally fell off of the stage and broke my shoe). Only Marcello showed today. :( Oh well, hopefully I'll see my kids again next year. Came home for lunch, but 2:00 PM rolled around and I wasn't very hungry. I took a nap and had this crazy dream (as in a bad crazy). When I woke up, I had some good text-versations with people, ate dinner, practiced clarinet, broke in reeds, and talked to Priya on the phone. I'm about to go feed the dogs, relatively productive day, yes? I think so, for a Sabbath at least. I still need to put the pedal to the metal for some Fall stuff. . . --sigh--
I've also decided that I'm going to try to keep my blogs shorter and more personal so that later I can use my blog to reflect on my life later. I'm going to aim for one deep though and just a summary of my day, daily.
Okay, I'm out. Time to feed the puppies.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Well, I was having a Good Day.
My day started out fantastically. I woke up a bit late, but oh well I had good reasons for staying up last night and it is summer after all. I took a good shower, practiced the good ol' clarinet and had several good conversations.
I'm a big on altruism. Some people claim that altruism is nonexistent because the do-gooders of this world merely perform their selfless acts to look good in the eyes of others. I feel that this is a big lie and therefore try to prove that wrong. Today at VBS we were stuffing felt turtles. Each child was to make two, one for themselves and one for a child at the Loma Linda Children's Hospital. Carleigh, a four year old in my group, openly decided that she wanted to donate the dark green turtle because it was fluffier. Four year olds don't know very much about inhibitions, especially Carleigh. I'm not saying that Carleigh's parents didn't train her well or that she's rude, it's just reality--a four year old doesn't have the same inhibitions as an older person. I've see Carleigh's behavior and know she wouldn't have had ulterior motives in this selfless decission. So that's my little speil on altruism for the day.
So due to the blog title, it's obvious that something had to have ruined my day. I had a chat with one of my previously really close friends about what made us break. I felt that this conversation was really unnecessary as it's too late and by gones should be left as by gones, but I felt I'd let him vent. Bad idea. Now it's midnight and I'm pissed off and blogging. So apparently now we can't have a healthy conversation and I don't want him in my life. I really don't feel like that, but apparently my actions prove differently. I know that I treat him differently, but I honestly don't do it on purpose, it's just that because of our history I can't really help it. Now I feel bad. I honestly don't want to stop being friend or push him out of my life, but I feel like I can't treat him like the rest of my friends, I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying to keep him happy, that's why he feels as if I treat him differently--because I try to make all of my friends happy. I'm tired because he used to be upset for attention. He claims to have changed, but I'm having a lot of trouble accepting that he could have changed so drastically. Now his little idiosyncrasies and the little things he does are annoying me more than ever. I find myself semi-subconsciously trying to irritate him by doing the same rude things he did to me. --BIG FREAKING BADONKADONK SIGH-- I dislike myself right now.
I'm a big on altruism. Some people claim that altruism is nonexistent because the do-gooders of this world merely perform their selfless acts to look good in the eyes of others. I feel that this is a big lie and therefore try to prove that wrong. Today at VBS we were stuffing felt turtles. Each child was to make two, one for themselves and one for a child at the Loma Linda Children's Hospital. Carleigh, a four year old in my group, openly decided that she wanted to donate the dark green turtle because it was fluffier. Four year olds don't know very much about inhibitions, especially Carleigh. I'm not saying that Carleigh's parents didn't train her well or that she's rude, it's just reality--a four year old doesn't have the same inhibitions as an older person. I've see Carleigh's behavior and know she wouldn't have had ulterior motives in this selfless decission. So that's my little speil on altruism for the day.
So due to the blog title, it's obvious that something had to have ruined my day. I had a chat with one of my previously really close friends about what made us break. I felt that this conversation was really unnecessary as it's too late and by gones should be left as by gones, but I felt I'd let him vent. Bad idea. Now it's midnight and I'm pissed off and blogging. So apparently now we can't have a healthy conversation and I don't want him in my life. I really don't feel like that, but apparently my actions prove differently. I know that I treat him differently, but I honestly don't do it on purpose, it's just that because of our history I can't really help it. Now I feel bad. I honestly don't want to stop being friend or push him out of my life, but I feel like I can't treat him like the rest of my friends, I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying to keep him happy, that's why he feels as if I treat him differently--because I try to make all of my friends happy. I'm tired because he used to be upset for attention. He claims to have changed, but I'm having a lot of trouble accepting that he could have changed so drastically. Now his little idiosyncrasies and the little things he does are annoying me more than ever. I find myself semi-subconsciously trying to irritate him by doing the same rude things he did to me. --BIG FREAKING BADONKADONK SIGH-- I dislike myself right now.
Today's Update on Life.
Can't blog for long today, it's a tad late and my mother is angry, so I'm just going to get in a quick blog because a lot of stuff happened today. No deep wordy stuff.
I woke up a bit before 5AM today to go take my cousin to the airport. We got him there on time, and all went well. I then went to breakfast with my mom at Denny's. You can get a butt load for $12. Combing Taggy (my German Shepard) was next on the agenda, so I spent an hour doing that. He eventually got bored and ran away. I finally got to take a shower & went to sleep. My brother gave me a very vigorous shake for a wake up call, so I got up, did my hair, and went to the school to check the Symphonic seating sheet. Brother didn't make Symphonic, but he got into Wind Ensemble. As of this moment, I have 6th chair which I think is primary second, but there are still a few really good players left to audition, so I'm not unpacking my junk yet. I then went to my lesson, got yelled at for not practicing, went to Nick Rail for reeds, and finally VBS. It was pretty good today. Only four out of my ten usual kids showed. Today was Trent's last day. I'll miss him lots. We then went to Boba & met up with the family, & they just left my house.
What did the fambam do for over five hours? Well after Boba, they came over to my house and we talked for a long, long while. I got to find out ALOT about my family history. I'm so pleased. I honestly didn't think I would ever be able to get my hands on this much information. Thank you Jesus, really. If Melissa hadn't gone up to Oregon (she almost didn't) the family wouldn't have been reunited, and we wouldn't have had this talk.
So apparently my grandma had super-duper bank in China, but she was orphaned and raised by an evil aunt. She met my grandpa, and was disowned because he was poor. They immigrated to Nicaragua because of the war and had their six children. They went back to Hong Kong to settle business, left the children with Mom Flor (not my grandma, just a neighbor), and finally decided to split up. My grandma took Aunt 2 and Uncle 3 (number are birth order) and returned to Hong Kong. Aunt 1 was sent to the US to study, and Aunt 4, Uncle 6, and my mom stayed with Grandpa in Nicaragua. They had two stores and were very well off, until Grandpa returned from business & was totally wiped. Both his stores were ransacked and burned down, so they had to start over. Aunt 4 was a rebel and after she was caught taking money from Grandpa he became paranoid. He became abusive and totally mad. Finally Aunt 4 made it to the US to study. Grandpa passed away at the age of 77, six months before my mom and Uncle 6 graduated. His wish was to see them both graduate high school and then die, but he didn't make it.
I'm not sure if this story is 100% accurate, and I know my writing was extremely simplistic and casual this time, but I'm writing exceptionally quickly and just wanted to get this down before I forget everything.
That's it for today, I'm peacing out.
Oh, I forgot one thing. There's a new guy in the picture. I'm pretty sure nothing will happen. Nothing should happen. Just another guy to look at. Just another guy to consider. Not very new, just felt the need to blog about it.
I woke up a bit before 5AM today to go take my cousin to the airport. We got him there on time, and all went well. I then went to breakfast with my mom at Denny's. You can get a butt load for $12. Combing Taggy (my German Shepard) was next on the agenda, so I spent an hour doing that. He eventually got bored and ran away. I finally got to take a shower & went to sleep. My brother gave me a very vigorous shake for a wake up call, so I got up, did my hair, and went to the school to check the Symphonic seating sheet. Brother didn't make Symphonic, but he got into Wind Ensemble. As of this moment, I have 6th chair which I think is primary second, but there are still a few really good players left to audition, so I'm not unpacking my junk yet. I then went to my lesson, got yelled at for not practicing, went to Nick Rail for reeds, and finally VBS. It was pretty good today. Only four out of my ten usual kids showed. Today was Trent's last day. I'll miss him lots. We then went to Boba & met up with the family, & they just left my house.
What did the fambam do for over five hours? Well after Boba, they came over to my house and we talked for a long, long while. I got to find out ALOT about my family history. I'm so pleased. I honestly didn't think I would ever be able to get my hands on this much information. Thank you Jesus, really. If Melissa hadn't gone up to Oregon (she almost didn't) the family wouldn't have been reunited, and we wouldn't have had this talk.
So apparently my grandma had super-duper bank in China, but she was orphaned and raised by an evil aunt. She met my grandpa, and was disowned because he was poor. They immigrated to Nicaragua because of the war and had their six children. They went back to Hong Kong to settle business, left the children with Mom Flor (not my grandma, just a neighbor), and finally decided to split up. My grandma took Aunt 2 and Uncle 3 (number are birth order) and returned to Hong Kong. Aunt 1 was sent to the US to study, and Aunt 4, Uncle 6, and my mom stayed with Grandpa in Nicaragua. They had two stores and were very well off, until Grandpa returned from business & was totally wiped. Both his stores were ransacked and burned down, so they had to start over. Aunt 4 was a rebel and after she was caught taking money from Grandpa he became paranoid. He became abusive and totally mad. Finally Aunt 4 made it to the US to study. Grandpa passed away at the age of 77, six months before my mom and Uncle 6 graduated. His wish was to see them both graduate high school and then die, but he didn't make it.
I'm not sure if this story is 100% accurate, and I know my writing was extremely simplistic and casual this time, but I'm writing exceptionally quickly and just wanted to get this down before I forget everything.
That's it for today, I'm peacing out.
Oh, I forgot one thing. There's a new guy in the picture. I'm pretty sure nothing will happen. Nothing should happen. Just another guy to look at. Just another guy to consider. Not very new, just felt the need to blog about it.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I love crying.
However masochistic it may seem, I love crying. It's very hard to explain. There's a cathartic feeling that can only be achieved post-cry. Although if you cry too much you just end up with bulging red eyes, in limited amounts crying is very pleasurable. . . unless you're lying down. Then it just gets your hair all wet & annoying.
This crying blog isn't as random as it may seem. I'm having one of those moments when all I really want to do is sit down and cry, but nothing's triggering the tears. I think I'll download a sad chick flick so whenever I feel like crying I can just watch it. But anyways, back to how I'm feeling. It's just a empty feeling right now. It's nothing I really feel like explaining to people, just something I need to write out of my system.
It's partially that romantic frustration again. It's really bugging me how most of my closer friends are in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish them out of those relationships nor would I enter a random relationship just to feel included, it's just . . . well, bugging me. Normally, I'm the yippee-kay-aye, all-we-need-is-love kind of a person, but recently at the end of the day I've just been feeling. . . well, lonely. This is a very alien feeling to me. Before this year, I think the only time I really felt lonely was when I missed my friends. Now it's morphed into this wretched form of sickness that I feel I need rescue from. I honestly don't feel like I can help myself get out of this. I need someone to reach down, grab my hand, and help me get better. I don't know who that person will be. I don't know if it will be a friend or a significant other, it could really be anyone.
I know the answer to this problem should simply be "Get more Jesus in your life", but I don't feel as if that's the solution. I'm relatively happy with my spiritual life, yet I'm not feeling it in this aspect. Could it be that my spiritual relationship with God is being overshadowed by me focusing on this loneliness? I really don't know, and I hope that it isn't the case yet I don't see how I can change that if it is. Maybe it could, maybe it would, maybe I'm just being stubborn, but I really feel lost right now.
I can't really think of any other ways to explain or go into what I'm feeling at the moment.
I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' cause I let you
Do what you do - down on me
--Cryin', Aerosmith.
This crying blog isn't as random as it may seem. I'm having one of those moments when all I really want to do is sit down and cry, but nothing's triggering the tears. I think I'll download a sad chick flick so whenever I feel like crying I can just watch it. But anyways, back to how I'm feeling. It's just a empty feeling right now. It's nothing I really feel like explaining to people, just something I need to write out of my system.
It's partially that romantic frustration again. It's really bugging me how most of my closer friends are in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish them out of those relationships nor would I enter a random relationship just to feel included, it's just . . . well, bugging me. Normally, I'm the yippee-kay-aye, all-we-need-is-love kind of a person, but recently at the end of the day I've just been feeling. . . well, lonely. This is a very alien feeling to me. Before this year, I think the only time I really felt lonely was when I missed my friends. Now it's morphed into this wretched form of sickness that I feel I need rescue from. I honestly don't feel like I can help myself get out of this. I need someone to reach down, grab my hand, and help me get better. I don't know who that person will be. I don't know if it will be a friend or a significant other, it could really be anyone.
I know the answer to this problem should simply be "Get more Jesus in your life", but I don't feel as if that's the solution. I'm relatively happy with my spiritual life, yet I'm not feeling it in this aspect. Could it be that my spiritual relationship with God is being overshadowed by me focusing on this loneliness? I really don't know, and I hope that it isn't the case yet I don't see how I can change that if it is. Maybe it could, maybe it would, maybe I'm just being stubborn, but I really feel lost right now.
I can't really think of any other ways to explain or go into what I'm feeling at the moment.
I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' cause I let you
Do what you do - down on me
--Cryin', Aerosmith.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
paranoia & cynicism.
Paranoia and cynicism are two of the most annoying traits i have ever witnessed. Combined in one person they are nearly unbearable. Cynics doubt the moral good in other people. There is such a thing as altruism. Some people do enjoy bringing happiness and peace to others. Unfortunately, cynics are too wound up in their own glum, depressed, little lives to notice. Due to the paranoia, their sick mental set is worsened by at least two. They're afraid of everyone. Don't take me wrong, I do realize that there is a healthy level of skepticism that should be maintained, but there is a line in between skepticism and paranoia that isn't as fine as it's cracked up to be. It's obvious when a person leaves the safe land of a skeptic and becomes a frantic, paranoid cynic. Is there a cure to this social-life threatening disease? Can cynics be taken out of their depressed mind set and be shown the good in others? I think not. Cynics have chosen to be miserable. They want to think people are out to get them, if not purposely at least subconsciously. Why they would want to do that, I'm not completely sure. Maybe to sheild their oh so delicate emotions, perhaps it is a subconscious display of a the hurt they've experienced, it beats me. What I do know is that it is possible to see good in others however traumatic your past experiences have been. It's merely a choice. There will always be some good around, some ray of sunshine.
There is another sky,
Ever serene and fair,
And there is another sunshine,
Though it be darkness there;
Never mind faded forests, Austin,
Never mind silent fields -
Here is a little forest,
Whose leaf is ever green;
Here is a brighter garden,
Where not a frost has been;
In its unfading flowers
I hear the bright bee hum:
Prithee, my brother,
Into my garden come!
--Emily Dickenson
There is another sky,
Ever serene and fair,
And there is another sunshine,
Though it be darkness there;
Never mind faded forests, Austin,
Never mind silent fields -
Here is a little forest,
Whose leaf is ever green;
Here is a brighter garden,
Where not a frost has been;
In its unfading flowers
I hear the bright bee hum:
Prithee, my brother,
Into my garden come!
--Emily Dickenson
no deep thinking today.
contemplation escapes me. (is that a correct sentence?)
i can't really think of anything in particular to talk about, so i'll just be blogging off stress and hopefully run into some random deep topic along the way.
i'm also going to start trying to use better grammar starting----now.
Vacation Bible School started today. What a NIGHTMARE. For the past couple of years I've been with the same partner but he was asked to be the general VBS photographer, leaving me with a seventh grader who allegedly runs around the playground at recess neighing and portraying characteristics of a horse. Great. I wouldn't mind so much if she merely did her job. Unfortunately, I'm stuck herding six children while she caters to the needs of her little sister, who i don't believe is even supposed to be enrolled in VBS. She's also hard of hearing. I have to basically shout when she is five feet away in order for her to hear, and she naturally returns the favor--blasting out my eardrums from three feet away.
Random factum--I wish I wore glasses regularly. I have reading glasses, but they're really a pain to keep putting on and off, and i get really dizzy when i look further than about six feet with them on. I (usually) love how people look with glasses on. Glasses can either make someone look educated, or just add to an outfit. They also give you an excuse to wear colored contacts. I'm not sure why I just went on that little speil (even though it wasn't all that long), I'm just really bored and in a writing mood. It was either glasses or a rant on why I hate the movie Roman Holiday.
On a more personal note, the lonely feeling is returning. This is really pissing me off. It seems like everyone is pairing off, and we're still in bloody high school. Honestly, I don't think I would be feeling this way if it weren't for the million and two couples that enjoy so diligently displaying their affection. This isn't a personal attack on anyone, I honestly don't mind PDAs all that much, I'm just frustrated. The more I think about it, the more it seems as if dating is just a peer pressure fad. When people get into relationships not because they really care for and feel emotionally and physically attracted to their partner but because they just can't find anyone else, something must be wrong.
Okay, that's really all that I can think of at the moment that's blog worthy.
I guess I'm out.
i can't really think of anything in particular to talk about, so i'll just be blogging off stress and hopefully run into some random deep topic along the way.
i'm also going to start trying to use better grammar starting----now.
Vacation Bible School started today. What a NIGHTMARE. For the past couple of years I've been with the same partner but he was asked to be the general VBS photographer, leaving me with a seventh grader who allegedly runs around the playground at recess neighing and portraying characteristics of a horse. Great. I wouldn't mind so much if she merely did her job. Unfortunately, I'm stuck herding six children while she caters to the needs of her little sister, who i don't believe is even supposed to be enrolled in VBS. She's also hard of hearing. I have to basically shout when she is five feet away in order for her to hear, and she naturally returns the favor--blasting out my eardrums from three feet away.
Random factum--I wish I wore glasses regularly. I have reading glasses, but they're really a pain to keep putting on and off, and i get really dizzy when i look further than about six feet with them on. I (usually) love how people look with glasses on. Glasses can either make someone look educated, or just add to an outfit. They also give you an excuse to wear colored contacts. I'm not sure why I just went on that little speil (even though it wasn't all that long), I'm just really bored and in a writing mood. It was either glasses or a rant on why I hate the movie Roman Holiday.
On a more personal note, the lonely feeling is returning. This is really pissing me off. It seems like everyone is pairing off, and we're still in bloody high school. Honestly, I don't think I would be feeling this way if it weren't for the million and two couples that enjoy so diligently displaying their affection. This isn't a personal attack on anyone, I honestly don't mind PDAs all that much, I'm just frustrated. The more I think about it, the more it seems as if dating is just a peer pressure fad. When people get into relationships not because they really care for and feel emotionally and physically attracted to their partner but because they just can't find anyone else, something must be wrong.
Okay, that's really all that I can think of at the moment that's blog worthy.
I guess I'm out.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
success will come to your plans.
i'm thinkin. . . no.
fortune cookies are so frustrating. they always deliver good news which is completely impossible. not everyone has good things ahead of them. some people have crappy lives. fortune cookies are a complete waste of paper that have no greater purpose than to make a few high school kids laugh by adding the phrase "in bed" at the end of the fortune.
my fortune cookie made me start thinking. (the cookie's caption is listed as the entry title if you haven't noticed.) i feel like a failure. maybe not to the extent that connotative response (would somebody tell me if i used connotative correctly?) the words brings about, but still i feel like i always do things mediocre-ly (can you believe mediocre has no adverb form? not that i know of at least). i failed when i ran for Sophomore RVP. i didn't get that good of a chair in band. i dropped honors algebra2. the valentine's day program was way too short. i fail in the romantic aspect. senate outerwear skit was under-rehearsed and retarded. i had to petition to get into honors american lit. i failed at JR President. i'm honestly not prepared for my symphonic audition. i just want to succeed at something for once. i want to find what i'm actually good at. . .
right now i'm so frustrated with my life, especially the romantic aspect. people say don't rush into anything, don't be desperate, think it through. i should know. i've said those lines so many times. but how do you apply it to yourself? what if because you were over cautions you missed something that could have been good? what if because you were so scared of becoming desperate you missed out and instead have to stand by and watch as the one you cared for is stolen, taken out of your sights and into the arms of another? then there's the other side of the story. what if you rush into something and do something you really regret? what if you ruin friendships, accidentally yet absolutely crushing someone's emotions, affecting their life? it's hard to find middle ground between the two extremes.
recently, i was presented with the idea that kissing should be seen in the same light as sex. every time you do it with someone else it becomes less personal, more casual. have we really mutilated and perverted the kiss? is it something that should be preserved for only one person? i still haven't found the answer to this question. it seems rather logical for a kiss to be held to the same respect of sex. after all, it is an intimate experience shared between two people, pleasurable and releasing endorphins while increasing your heart rate and exchanging fluids. that sounds alot like sex, doesn't it? but yet it doesn't have the same level of intensity as sex. fluids aren't streaming out of every orifice of your body (haha house quote), parents find it censored enough to do in front of the children, and no tissue is broken during your first kiss. a kiss seems like it should be a pure experience that couples can share. yet should it be? have we lowered it to be so simplistic or was it meant to be that way by God? (i want to hear your opinions, comment or myspace me)
this brings me to my personal question and mental battle. "do i want to date/have a relationship in high school?" previously, my answer would have been a hasty yes but i'm not so sure anymore. on one hand i'm tired of being the third wheel, yet on the other hand i don't know if i'm mature/stable enough to handle a full on lengthy relationship. i promised myself that i would at least wait until after summer to enter a relationship, but now i'm not so sure. the summer seems long and i'm tired of playing the role of being the single friend. at the same time, i'm not sure how easily i could get into a relationship with a guy that i actually wanted to try going out with. according to a certain friend, i'm stuck in the friend zone. i'm stuck as the friend who is good to talk to, fun to hand around with, but when it comes down to it, you'd never go out with her because you could never see her than more than a friend. this is frustrating beyond belief. how do i get out of that zone? there's not much i can do, besides turn into a slut (not happening).
and now, i seem desperate. definitely a bad time to look for relationships, yet how do you get out of a desperate stage without going out with people? do you just forget the warnings? do you wait it out until your happy being single and someone seeks you out? i'm completely lost. . .
last paragraph, i think. my parents and dating. my mother has directly told me that she doesn't want me to date until i'm done with medical school because she thinks 16 year old boys are better at sexually manipulating women than 29 year old men. my father refuses to give me an answer. so far, all that i've gotten out of him is that he knows he can't stop me from dating but doesn't want me to start until i'm 18 at least. in my point of view, it would be a lot better for all of us if they would approve of me dating. whether or not they approve of it, i'll probably end up doing it. if they approve the relationship can be out in the open and they can somewhat censor it and at least have somewhat of a say in what happens. once i turn 18 they won't have that privilege. it would also be a lot easier to learn how to balance out a relationship and education in high school than it will be when i'm in college. i'm still building my argument for when we get into this fight again. . .
okay. i'm all written out. i'm tired and my computer posture is really taking a toll on my back.
i'm out.
fortune cookies are so frustrating. they always deliver good news which is completely impossible. not everyone has good things ahead of them. some people have crappy lives. fortune cookies are a complete waste of paper that have no greater purpose than to make a few high school kids laugh by adding the phrase "in bed" at the end of the fortune.
my fortune cookie made me start thinking. (the cookie's caption is listed as the entry title if you haven't noticed.) i feel like a failure. maybe not to the extent that connotative response (would somebody tell me if i used connotative correctly?) the words brings about, but still i feel like i always do things mediocre-ly (can you believe mediocre has no adverb form? not that i know of at least). i failed when i ran for Sophomore RVP. i didn't get that good of a chair in band. i dropped honors algebra2. the valentine's day program was way too short. i fail in the romantic aspect. senate outerwear skit was under-rehearsed and retarded. i had to petition to get into honors american lit. i failed at JR President. i'm honestly not prepared for my symphonic audition. i just want to succeed at something for once. i want to find what i'm actually good at. . .
right now i'm so frustrated with my life, especially the romantic aspect. people say don't rush into anything, don't be desperate, think it through. i should know. i've said those lines so many times. but how do you apply it to yourself? what if because you were over cautions you missed something that could have been good? what if because you were so scared of becoming desperate you missed out and instead have to stand by and watch as the one you cared for is stolen, taken out of your sights and into the arms of another? then there's the other side of the story. what if you rush into something and do something you really regret? what if you ruin friendships, accidentally yet absolutely crushing someone's emotions, affecting their life? it's hard to find middle ground between the two extremes.
recently, i was presented with the idea that kissing should be seen in the same light as sex. every time you do it with someone else it becomes less personal, more casual. have we really mutilated and perverted the kiss? is it something that should be preserved for only one person? i still haven't found the answer to this question. it seems rather logical for a kiss to be held to the same respect of sex. after all, it is an intimate experience shared between two people, pleasurable and releasing endorphins while increasing your heart rate and exchanging fluids. that sounds alot like sex, doesn't it? but yet it doesn't have the same level of intensity as sex. fluids aren't streaming out of every orifice of your body (haha house quote), parents find it censored enough to do in front of the children, and no tissue is broken during your first kiss. a kiss seems like it should be a pure experience that couples can share. yet should it be? have we lowered it to be so simplistic or was it meant to be that way by God? (i want to hear your opinions, comment or myspace me)
this brings me to my personal question and mental battle. "do i want to date/have a relationship in high school?" previously, my answer would have been a hasty yes but i'm not so sure anymore. on one hand i'm tired of being the third wheel, yet on the other hand i don't know if i'm mature/stable enough to handle a full on lengthy relationship. i promised myself that i would at least wait until after summer to enter a relationship, but now i'm not so sure. the summer seems long and i'm tired of playing the role of being the single friend. at the same time, i'm not sure how easily i could get into a relationship with a guy that i actually wanted to try going out with. according to a certain friend, i'm stuck in the friend zone. i'm stuck as the friend who is good to talk to, fun to hand around with, but when it comes down to it, you'd never go out with her because you could never see her than more than a friend. this is frustrating beyond belief. how do i get out of that zone? there's not much i can do, besides turn into a slut (not happening).
and now, i seem desperate. definitely a bad time to look for relationships, yet how do you get out of a desperate stage without going out with people? do you just forget the warnings? do you wait it out until your happy being single and someone seeks you out? i'm completely lost. . .
last paragraph, i think. my parents and dating. my mother has directly told me that she doesn't want me to date until i'm done with medical school because she thinks 16 year old boys are better at sexually manipulating women than 29 year old men. my father refuses to give me an answer. so far, all that i've gotten out of him is that he knows he can't stop me from dating but doesn't want me to start until i'm 18 at least. in my point of view, it would be a lot better for all of us if they would approve of me dating. whether or not they approve of it, i'll probably end up doing it. if they approve the relationship can be out in the open and they can somewhat censor it and at least have somewhat of a say in what happens. once i turn 18 they won't have that privilege. it would also be a lot easier to learn how to balance out a relationship and education in high school than it will be when i'm in college. i'm still building my argument for when we get into this fight again. . .
okay. i'm all written out. i'm tired and my computer posture is really taking a toll on my back.
i'm out.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
that yuck feeling.
i can almost say i never feel this way. unwanted, needy, lonely, and helpless are adjectives for me right now. that's not me.
i'm the type of person who loves feeling needed, who loves making others feel loved, who is relatively stable. i'm rather sociable, i love getting out of the house, i love work.
right now i feel like none of the qualities i just listed are true. i'm having to force myself out of the house, i want to talk to only my closest friends, and i would really love to be in a literal vegetative state at the moment.
i've led myself to believe that the source of all the personality mayhem is that i don't know how to deal with death. should i be mourning? staying at home, dressing in black, maybe even fasting? should i try to distract myself? going out as often as possible, constantly talking to other people, and trying to at least pretend to be me? i honestly don't know. at home i either feel very spiritual or very empty. in public i try to not think about it, yet i'm still not myself. my mind keeps drifting and the empty feeling returns. should i really be allowed to feel this happiness so soon?
i honestly didn't expect to feel this way. i wasn't close to my grandmother. for quite a bit of my life i tried to not care about her because of how she treated me. i felt she brushed me aside, blatantly favoring cousins. even when she was diagnosed with stomach cancer (i don't remember the strand), i tried to persuade myself to be insensitive. now i'm left sitting here with a bundle of short pieces of yarn that i've tried to tie together, an open ended story short story (i'm not a huge fan of those), basically without closure. i tried to tie up ends and make everything better in a lame attempt to make her feel good about herself--that she was loving, supportive, and a good grandmother, but deep down inside i still feel. . . indescribable. we weren't close, so why does this hurt so much? should i be able to push the pain aside? should i just deal with it head on? did she love me? was she in unbearable pain when she died? will i ever learn of my history? there are so many questions spinning in my head whizzing by one after another. i have just enough time left alone with the question to give me an irritating pang of confusion and curriosity, yet never enough time to find the answer.
one of the biggest worries i'm having is that my grandmother never told anyone her full history. she was paranoid and now i don't know where my roots were. i just finished mr. sandiford's literature class and any of you who have gone through sophomore year at my school know that he frequently presents the idea that in order to find yourself and discover who you are you must return to your roots. now i realize that wanting to go back to my grandparents and even maybe my great-grandparents probably isn't what he meant by roots, but my hope of ever knowing distant family and knowing my lineage and history died with my grandmother. my grandparents all immigrated from china to nicaragua, my parents immigrated from nicaragua to the US. even if i did have a clue about my history, it would have been distorted, but at least then i would have a clue. call it a generalization, but anyone who knew my grandparents in nicaragua is probably dead now due to lifespan ranges in rosita and if they're not dead yet, the would be if i ever wanted to go back as an adult and do some searching.
i'm also left feeling like a cultural mutt. i'm mostly chinese, but culturally i feel so distant from them. i despise their funeral rituals (make the boys pay, cremation, etc), i don't go to their church, and i haven't attempted to become closer to the culture by learning the language. when it comes to my nicaraguan side, i guess i'm a bit better off but still not completely there. i can understand their language, i can speak it to an extent, but i still haven't taken it upon myself to fully engulf myself in the culture through doing things like learning about their cultural habits, history, etc. if anything i'm white washed and although it doesn't have to be a negative thing, it is by no means a positive. another thing is i don't fit either side's stereotypes. i'm not extremely smart, i'm not very musically talented, and i'm neither physically nor emotionally strong. i know it's probably a good thing that i'm not your stereotypical person, but it's still kind of tough growing up in an environment that prizes culture so highly that it even crosses over into who you hang out with, who you go to school with, and even who you worship with.
these questions don't normally bother me, i think it's just the screwed up mental state i'm in right now.
i feel used, overworked, and just worn out. i love helping people, i'm a workaholic, and i normally function on about 4-5hours of sleep. i really shouldn't feel this way. at the moment if feel like my reality, my personality, my LIFE has been distorted into a disgusting emotional vomit that isn't what i've tried so hard to shape my life into being. i feel myself shifting into a cynical point of view doubting some of my closest friends that i wouldn't have made through this year without. why am i trying to find that people want to hurt me? this isn't me. normally i try to give people the benefit of the doubt while maintaining a small amount of skepticism for mere self preservation, but this is totally not me.
right now i'm apologizing to anybody i may lash out at or be a complete jerk to in the next couple of weeks. in the case that i do something out of line or that doesn't seem to be something i would do, please call me out.
now, the writing is out of me. i'm just tired. . . i'm going to go practice or something. o.O
i'm the type of person who loves feeling needed, who loves making others feel loved, who is relatively stable. i'm rather sociable, i love getting out of the house, i love work.
right now i feel like none of the qualities i just listed are true. i'm having to force myself out of the house, i want to talk to only my closest friends, and i would really love to be in a literal vegetative state at the moment.
i've led myself to believe that the source of all the personality mayhem is that i don't know how to deal with death. should i be mourning? staying at home, dressing in black, maybe even fasting? should i try to distract myself? going out as often as possible, constantly talking to other people, and trying to at least pretend to be me? i honestly don't know. at home i either feel very spiritual or very empty. in public i try to not think about it, yet i'm still not myself. my mind keeps drifting and the empty feeling returns. should i really be allowed to feel this happiness so soon?
i honestly didn't expect to feel this way. i wasn't close to my grandmother. for quite a bit of my life i tried to not care about her because of how she treated me. i felt she brushed me aside, blatantly favoring cousins. even when she was diagnosed with stomach cancer (i don't remember the strand), i tried to persuade myself to be insensitive. now i'm left sitting here with a bundle of short pieces of yarn that i've tried to tie together, an open ended story short story (i'm not a huge fan of those), basically without closure. i tried to tie up ends and make everything better in a lame attempt to make her feel good about herself--that she was loving, supportive, and a good grandmother, but deep down inside i still feel. . . indescribable. we weren't close, so why does this hurt so much? should i be able to push the pain aside? should i just deal with it head on? did she love me? was she in unbearable pain when she died? will i ever learn of my history? there are so many questions spinning in my head whizzing by one after another. i have just enough time left alone with the question to give me an irritating pang of confusion and curriosity, yet never enough time to find the answer.
one of the biggest worries i'm having is that my grandmother never told anyone her full history. she was paranoid and now i don't know where my roots were. i just finished mr. sandiford's literature class and any of you who have gone through sophomore year at my school know that he frequently presents the idea that in order to find yourself and discover who you are you must return to your roots. now i realize that wanting to go back to my grandparents and even maybe my great-grandparents probably isn't what he meant by roots, but my hope of ever knowing distant family and knowing my lineage and history died with my grandmother. my grandparents all immigrated from china to nicaragua, my parents immigrated from nicaragua to the US. even if i did have a clue about my history, it would have been distorted, but at least then i would have a clue. call it a generalization, but anyone who knew my grandparents in nicaragua is probably dead now due to lifespan ranges in rosita and if they're not dead yet, the would be if i ever wanted to go back as an adult and do some searching.
i'm also left feeling like a cultural mutt. i'm mostly chinese, but culturally i feel so distant from them. i despise their funeral rituals (make the boys pay, cremation, etc), i don't go to their church, and i haven't attempted to become closer to the culture by learning the language. when it comes to my nicaraguan side, i guess i'm a bit better off but still not completely there. i can understand their language, i can speak it to an extent, but i still haven't taken it upon myself to fully engulf myself in the culture through doing things like learning about their cultural habits, history, etc. if anything i'm white washed and although it doesn't have to be a negative thing, it is by no means a positive. another thing is i don't fit either side's stereotypes. i'm not extremely smart, i'm not very musically talented, and i'm neither physically nor emotionally strong. i know it's probably a good thing that i'm not your stereotypical person, but it's still kind of tough growing up in an environment that prizes culture so highly that it even crosses over into who you hang out with, who you go to school with, and even who you worship with.
these questions don't normally bother me, i think it's just the screwed up mental state i'm in right now.
i feel used, overworked, and just worn out. i love helping people, i'm a workaholic, and i normally function on about 4-5hours of sleep. i really shouldn't feel this way. at the moment if feel like my reality, my personality, my LIFE has been distorted into a disgusting emotional vomit that isn't what i've tried so hard to shape my life into being. i feel myself shifting into a cynical point of view doubting some of my closest friends that i wouldn't have made through this year without. why am i trying to find that people want to hurt me? this isn't me. normally i try to give people the benefit of the doubt while maintaining a small amount of skepticism for mere self preservation, but this is totally not me.
right now i'm apologizing to anybody i may lash out at or be a complete jerk to in the next couple of weeks. in the case that i do something out of line or that doesn't seem to be something i would do, please call me out.
now, the writing is out of me. i'm just tired. . . i'm going to go practice or something. o.O
thinking.
this is a blog i posted on myspace. i wrote it 6/19/09 & just decided to post it here in case i wanted to reference to it and just to have all my bloggings together.
"why do bad things happen?" more importantly, "why do bad things happen to good people?"
i hate this question.
it's always asked, yet never answered. in the rare occasion that an answer is given, it is normally "it's a test from God."
i hate that answer as well.
why would God cause us physical and emotional torture to teach us a lesson? call it discipline, but it still seems harsh coming from the gentle, loving, gracious God we hear about every Sabbath.
obviously, i disagree with that answer. i formerly believed that God just let people die when they truly believed in Him. for example, in the case of death maybe He just let them pass when he knew they trusted Him to keep them from straying away from the church in the future. i don't believe that anymore. that seems to be something a controlling and insensitive God would do. it would completely deny freedom of choice.
now i think i may have found a part of the answer to this question (pertaining to death at least). maybe God takes people when they are ready, but when good can also come out of the situation. sickness and disease overtake us due to sin in this world. when we made the decision to sin we opened "pandora's box". once again, it was our choice. God can't interfere with that. what He can do is try to help us along the way. maybe He lets people die to save them from discomfort, pain, and suffering. although it will hurt the deceased's loved ones, it also brings them closer to Him because let's face it, we're closest to God when we are suffering and facing trials. if bad things didn't happen, we would all live life believing we didn't need Him and even believing that maybe He didn't exist. although it seems as though so many people already believe that, there is still the remnant that hold this truth.
i don't know if this makes sense to you all. maybe this seems blatantly obvious and i've just been missing this answer. i'm sorry if this is the case and i just wasted your time reading this superbly long blog, but the answer just hit me. i think that this is a question that can only be answered through experience when you search for it.
i'm starting to believe that good may come out of every situation. . .
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.
1 John 4:9
"why do bad things happen?" more importantly, "why do bad things happen to good people?"
i hate this question.
it's always asked, yet never answered. in the rare occasion that an answer is given, it is normally "it's a test from God."
i hate that answer as well.
why would God cause us physical and emotional torture to teach us a lesson? call it discipline, but it still seems harsh coming from the gentle, loving, gracious God we hear about every Sabbath.
obviously, i disagree with that answer. i formerly believed that God just let people die when they truly believed in Him. for example, in the case of death maybe He just let them pass when he knew they trusted Him to keep them from straying away from the church in the future. i don't believe that anymore. that seems to be something a controlling and insensitive God would do. it would completely deny freedom of choice.
now i think i may have found a part of the answer to this question (pertaining to death at least). maybe God takes people when they are ready, but when good can also come out of the situation. sickness and disease overtake us due to sin in this world. when we made the decision to sin we opened "pandora's box". once again, it was our choice. God can't interfere with that. what He can do is try to help us along the way. maybe He lets people die to save them from discomfort, pain, and suffering. although it will hurt the deceased's loved ones, it also brings them closer to Him because let's face it, we're closest to God when we are suffering and facing trials. if bad things didn't happen, we would all live life believing we didn't need Him and even believing that maybe He didn't exist. although it seems as though so many people already believe that, there is still the remnant that hold this truth.
i don't know if this makes sense to you all. maybe this seems blatantly obvious and i've just been missing this answer. i'm sorry if this is the case and i just wasted your time reading this superbly long blog, but the answer just hit me. i think that this is a question that can only be answered through experience when you search for it.
i'm starting to believe that good may come out of every situation. . .
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.
1 John 4:9
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