Following ShaneDawsonTV on Twitter led me to this video. It's kind of cheesy, very optimistic, but I thought it was really cool. Quite the tear jerker.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Blogging for the sake of blogging.
There's a cathartic feeling I get from blogging, however lame that may sound. I really need an outlet right now, so much stress, tension, anger, irritation. . . all those nasty feelings I need to let out.
FRIEND DRAMA MUCH? Hun, we didn't like him from the start. I thought it might be okay in the middle but you guys still had serious issues. What were you thinking? You know that you don't touch freshman. They're immature, they're going to grow up, they need to strengthen their friendships. We all told you to take it slowly, but you didn't listen. It's hard to listen to the voice of reason when you're crushing, I know. In short, a friend's boyfriend is holding double standards. He flips out when she admits that someone is attractive, but now he's flirting with a new girl who doesn't know he has a girlfriend; ignoring his girlfriend for her; and even considering breaking up because his friends, who can't even manage their own lives, say he should. Way to go, idiot. Way to be a jerk. She would do anything for you. She's so blindly in love with you, yet here you go throwing that away. Idiot. It's going to be hard to get me to approve of you again.
Since that big catastrophic event, I've been feeling really strange. . . I don't really know why. It's like a bit of the sophomore-me came back: stoical, cynical, angry. It sucks to see those characteristics reappearing in me, but I can't stop it. I don't have enough energy to stop it. I'm so drained out already, this is ridiculous for the beginning of the year. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm gone.
I'm ready for the weekend, hopefully that will give me the restoration that I need.
Huge topic change--
It really annoys me when people go to church just to see their friends. I wouldn't care if they acted respectfully, that would be fine actually, but when he/she comes and is loud, rowdy, and disturbing? I don't think that's okay. You should be there because you want to learn more about God, you want that community with Him and that relaxation with fellow believers, not to see your friends or because your parents made you. That's the dilemma, is it better for those disturbing people to come and distract others or not come at all and possibly miss out on the one thing that could have changed them?
FRIEND DRAMA MUCH? Hun, we didn't like him from the start. I thought it might be okay in the middle but you guys still had serious issues. What were you thinking? You know that you don't touch freshman. They're immature, they're going to grow up, they need to strengthen their friendships. We all told you to take it slowly, but you didn't listen. It's hard to listen to the voice of reason when you're crushing, I know. In short, a friend's boyfriend is holding double standards. He flips out when she admits that someone is attractive, but now he's flirting with a new girl who doesn't know he has a girlfriend; ignoring his girlfriend for her; and even considering breaking up because his friends, who can't even manage their own lives, say he should. Way to go, idiot. Way to be a jerk. She would do anything for you. She's so blindly in love with you, yet here you go throwing that away. Idiot. It's going to be hard to get me to approve of you again.
Since that big catastrophic event, I've been feeling really strange. . . I don't really know why. It's like a bit of the sophomore-me came back: stoical, cynical, angry. It sucks to see those characteristics reappearing in me, but I can't stop it. I don't have enough energy to stop it. I'm so drained out already, this is ridiculous for the beginning of the year. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm gone.
I'm ready for the weekend, hopefully that will give me the restoration that I need.
Huge topic change--
It really annoys me when people go to church just to see their friends. I wouldn't care if they acted respectfully, that would be fine actually, but when he/she comes and is loud, rowdy, and disturbing? I don't think that's okay. You should be there because you want to learn more about God, you want that community with Him and that relaxation with fellow believers, not to see your friends or because your parents made you. That's the dilemma, is it better for those disturbing people to come and distract others or not come at all and possibly miss out on the one thing that could have changed them?
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Beautiful.
Thank you Lord, for always working beauty into the biggest crisis. You have what I need, you know what we all need.
I was in church today, it started out like every other service, yet half way through I doubt there was one completely dry eye in the sanctuary. It's puzzling how an event can affect you, even after so much time has passed.
Stephen Dysinger was a boy in my class who lost his battle with cancer our pre-8th grade summer. We didn't talk much in Junior High, but there was still they Hey-How are you doing-We're still praying for you, casual conversations between us. When he lost his battle, not only my entire class but also the whole church had a hard time believing that such a young and active person could have really been gone.
Stephen's life was filled with so many testimonies: the story of how he was determined to drink water by himself a few days before we lost him; how he understood that death could come and take him at anytime yet was ready for Jesus to be the next being he saw; just watching him defend his little brother, William, who has down syndrome. Stephen's life wasn't easy by any means, but it was beautiful.
He has still managed to be a testimony for us, even though he's no longer with us. Today, Call to Prayer was given by Khoury Knowlton, a very active member in church. He played the part of Jesus in the church's Easter Play. After the Easter Play, William was one of the many children who came to say hello to Jesus, but he was a bit different. He locked eyes with Mr. Knowlton, which is a bit of a strange act from such a small child. His gaze didn't leave Mr. Knowlton's eyes as he bent down to say hello or as he said "You have Stephen." Mr. Knowlton thought it was merely a case of bad grammar, "Yes, I knew Stephen," he replied. "You have Stephen," repeated William. "Yes, I knew Stephen," said Mr. Knowlton. Even as William walked away, he kept looking back, he didn't want to break that eye contact. Later, Mr. Dysinger approached Mr. Knowlton and explained that William thought he was Jesus, and it finally hit Mr. Knowlton that it wasn't just improper English, it was that William knew and believed Stephen was in Jesus' arms.
Lord, thank you for the Dysinger family. Please bless them as they have blessed us. . . they have had to go endure so much pain but so many are blessed at their expense, please let them know that. Please give me the faith of a child, like William. He may not understand everything, but he understands you. Give me that privilege.
This isn't a plea for your pity, this isn't a show of spirituality, this is reality. This is my life. We've finally learned to cope with Stephen's death and stop mourning his death. It's okay, he's in peace now, he's with Jesus now. We will see him again. Thank you Lord, for always working beauty into the biggest crisis. You have what I need, you know what we all need.
I Got a picture in my head today
Of how Heaven might look someday
I see the people there so I pull up a chair
And their stories they blew me away
-Thirteen, Matthew West.
I was in church today, it started out like every other service, yet half way through I doubt there was one completely dry eye in the sanctuary. It's puzzling how an event can affect you, even after so much time has passed.
Stephen Dysinger was a boy in my class who lost his battle with cancer our pre-8th grade summer. We didn't talk much in Junior High, but there was still they Hey-How are you doing-We're still praying for you, casual conversations between us. When he lost his battle, not only my entire class but also the whole church had a hard time believing that such a young and active person could have really been gone.
Stephen's life was filled with so many testimonies: the story of how he was determined to drink water by himself a few days before we lost him; how he understood that death could come and take him at anytime yet was ready for Jesus to be the next being he saw; just watching him defend his little brother, William, who has down syndrome. Stephen's life wasn't easy by any means, but it was beautiful.
He has still managed to be a testimony for us, even though he's no longer with us. Today, Call to Prayer was given by Khoury Knowlton, a very active member in church. He played the part of Jesus in the church's Easter Play. After the Easter Play, William was one of the many children who came to say hello to Jesus, but he was a bit different. He locked eyes with Mr. Knowlton, which is a bit of a strange act from such a small child. His gaze didn't leave Mr. Knowlton's eyes as he bent down to say hello or as he said "You have Stephen." Mr. Knowlton thought it was merely a case of bad grammar, "Yes, I knew Stephen," he replied. "You have Stephen," repeated William. "Yes, I knew Stephen," said Mr. Knowlton. Even as William walked away, he kept looking back, he didn't want to break that eye contact. Later, Mr. Dysinger approached Mr. Knowlton and explained that William thought he was Jesus, and it finally hit Mr. Knowlton that it wasn't just improper English, it was that William knew and believed Stephen was in Jesus' arms.
Lord, thank you for the Dysinger family. Please bless them as they have blessed us. . . they have had to go endure so much pain but so many are blessed at their expense, please let them know that. Please give me the faith of a child, like William. He may not understand everything, but he understands you. Give me that privilege.
This isn't a plea for your pity, this isn't a show of spirituality, this is reality. This is my life. We've finally learned to cope with Stephen's death and stop mourning his death. It's okay, he's in peace now, he's with Jesus now. We will see him again. Thank you Lord, for always working beauty into the biggest crisis. You have what I need, you know what we all need.
I Got a picture in my head today
Of how Heaven might look someday
I see the people there so I pull up a chair
And their stories they blew me away
-Thirteen, Matthew West.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Fashion Valley, 8/17
So Yan and I went down to Fashion Valley in San Deigo yesterday for her birthday, it was so much fun.
We left around 8:30 but I was running late as usual, she almost came to pick me up from my house but I was a few streets away. We got there around 10:30 & went to Forever 21, where Yan spent almost all her money. In total, I bought a bag from Charlette Rouse, a hat from Forever 21, birthday present for a friend form Forever 21, and Yan's NIKES from . . . some store. Side note, I'm really bad at buying presents. I never know what to buy and end up being really late in the gift giving.
We had really good lunch though. It was some Japanese place, but they had amazing chicken and at a good price too! Yan's friend, Jen met up with us and she was really cool and really really pretty, Chinese girl, no wonder. Haha. For dinner we went to some pretty ghetto place, but it's okay because we just had Green Tea & Taro Tart. It was really good, although it looked like Play-Doh. We saw a leng zai at this Chinese/Vietnamese market, he was really, WOW. Leng Zai alert!
That was pretty much it, doesn't sound like all that when I write it, but it was. It was worth it, and very much so. :)
We left around 8:30 but I was running late as usual, she almost came to pick me up from my house but I was a few streets away. We got there around 10:30 & went to Forever 21, where Yan spent almost all her money. In total, I bought a bag from Charlette Rouse, a hat from Forever 21, birthday present for a friend form Forever 21, and Yan's NIKES from . . . some store. Side note, I'm really bad at buying presents. I never know what to buy and end up being really late in the gift giving.
We had really good lunch though. It was some Japanese place, but they had amazing chicken and at a good price too! Yan's friend, Jen met up with us and she was really cool and really really pretty, Chinese girl, no wonder. Haha. For dinner we went to some pretty ghetto place, but it's okay because we just had Green Tea & Taro Tart. It was really good, although it looked like Play-Doh. We saw a leng zai at this Chinese/Vietnamese market, he was really, WOW. Leng Zai alert!
That was pretty much it, doesn't sound like all that when I write it, but it was. It was worth it, and very much so. :)
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Dear Ms. Swift:
I love your lyrics. Story of my life, right there. But on the other hand, I hate how overrated you are. I hate how all of your music videos end so happily. It's too unrealistic for me.
Thank you.
The end.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Awesome songs I've been needing to share.
I don't know if you've ever found really awesome music and just felt desperate to share it, but I have recently and just wanted to open myself up. :> enjoy. ^-^
Create a playlist at MixPod.com
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
oh no.
Oh Leng Zai, please don't do this to yourself. I've seen the path that you're beginning to follow, in fact I've walked down it myself. Please take my warning, it will only lead to more wounds. Please, please why won't you listen? I know I can help you, I've learned from my mistakes, why must you be so strong willed? This will not end up well. This path leads to your demise. The further you go the fewer trails you will cross that allow you to escape. Eventually it will be too late. Eventually not even I will be able to save you. Please listen while there is still time. Even if you escape in those last few moments by then you will be so damaged both you and I will wonder if your escape was really worth it. By then you will be so mangled, you will be in so much pain. . . if only you knew the agony awaits you, if you follow her down that path.
I know why you won't listen to me although I wish that it didn't, maybe then I wouldn't feel so guilty. I know you won't listen to me because I'm a biased opinion. I'm jealous that she has so many invisible strings attached to you, like a mere puppet when you are worth so much more. She can do so much to you. She can make you smile, she can make you frown, she can make you say the most hurtful words imaginable. . .all with the slightest movement of her fingers. I wish I had that power over you. I would make you happier than you can imagine as you stand there on that dark, dark path.
Despite all the good I know that I could do for you, I know that you won't listen to me. You must learn your lesson the hard way, just like I did. I can't save you, no matter how long I try. I'm fighting a war that was lost before I even stepped foot onto the battle field. It's time to give up. You're hurting me more than I'm helping you. I can't hold on any longer. This is your last chance, Leng Zai. You know that if you give me even the slightest glimmer of hope I will stay, but I don't think you will. You want me to let you go into her cold arms, well towards her cold arms at least. You know that they are already occupied by another man, and once she dismisses him it will be only a short while before another comes and fills his position. That brief period of time is no where near long enough for you to reach her castle. There are already so many on that road.
This is your choice. I'm so very sorry you've made this decision but I can interfere no more. I'm letting you go now. You know I will be here for you when she breaks your heart again, when she circumcises you and throws your foreskin in your face laughing all the while. You know I will always be here for you, but you must come back to me. I won't go searching for you again. I can't promise I will be here for you in the same way, I can't promise it will ever be the same, but I will still be here, Leng Zai.
I wish I could say that I hope you two will end up together, but honestly I don't. I'm selfish, you should know me by now. What I will say is that I hope you don't get too hurt, I hope you recover, I hope all of your wounds heal. I wish you the best.
I Love You, Leng Zai.
Now if you read this and began to wonder if it was about you, don't allow your mind to even begin to explore that possibility. How dare you think that you were important enough to have this affect on me? Don't make that mistake again. If you read this and began to wonder who this was written for, don't allow your mind to begin to explore that possibility. This is one of those things I wrote for myself. If that information was for you, I would have told you.
Goodnight. :)
I know why you won't listen to me although I wish that it didn't, maybe then I wouldn't feel so guilty. I know you won't listen to me because I'm a biased opinion. I'm jealous that she has so many invisible strings attached to you, like a mere puppet when you are worth so much more. She can do so much to you. She can make you smile, she can make you frown, she can make you say the most hurtful words imaginable. . .all with the slightest movement of her fingers. I wish I had that power over you. I would make you happier than you can imagine as you stand there on that dark, dark path.
Despite all the good I know that I could do for you, I know that you won't listen to me. You must learn your lesson the hard way, just like I did. I can't save you, no matter how long I try. I'm fighting a war that was lost before I even stepped foot onto the battle field. It's time to give up. You're hurting me more than I'm helping you. I can't hold on any longer. This is your last chance, Leng Zai. You know that if you give me even the slightest glimmer of hope I will stay, but I don't think you will. You want me to let you go into her cold arms, well towards her cold arms at least. You know that they are already occupied by another man, and once she dismisses him it will be only a short while before another comes and fills his position. That brief period of time is no where near long enough for you to reach her castle. There are already so many on that road.
This is your choice. I'm so very sorry you've made this decision but I can interfere no more. I'm letting you go now. You know I will be here for you when she breaks your heart again, when she circumcises you and throws your foreskin in your face laughing all the while. You know I will always be here for you, but you must come back to me. I won't go searching for you again. I can't promise I will be here for you in the same way, I can't promise it will ever be the same, but I will still be here, Leng Zai.
I wish I could say that I hope you two will end up together, but honestly I don't. I'm selfish, you should know me by now. What I will say is that I hope you don't get too hurt, I hope you recover, I hope all of your wounds heal. I wish you the best.
I Love You, Leng Zai.
Now if you read this and began to wonder if it was about you, don't allow your mind to even begin to explore that possibility. How dare you think that you were important enough to have this affect on me? Don't make that mistake again. If you read this and began to wonder who this was written for, don't allow your mind to begin to explore that possibility. This is one of those things I wrote for myself. If that information was for you, I would have told you.
Goodnight. :)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
where did time go?
Who stood up? Who walked up to the clock? Who pushed that minute hand with all their might? Who made it spin faster and faster until it finally reached it's climax, plateaued, and slowed down?
How did this happen? Was it not yesterday that we were all so eagerly awaiting our first day of high school? Wondering what new friends we would make, what our new classes would be like. It could have been two days ago that we were all signing 8th grade yearbooks, promising to never forget the memories we shared, giving our word that we would always be friends.
Now here we are. It's not just two days later, but two years instead. We've all grown apart, we've moved on, made new friends, joined new cliques. Sure we'll say hi when we pass in the halls but it'll never be the same. Not to say that these years with new friends haven't been great, not to say that they haven't been fun; it's just a bit sad to see how we've changed, how we've grown, how the best years of our lives are flying by.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Jaime.
Jamie "Jamal" Vargas will no longer be attending Loma Linda Academy. :(
This makes me very sad. I will no longer have a 5'7" Thexican's weenus to hang onto while we walk from class to class. I will no longer have a conceited little cholito in half of my classes. I will no longer have a music-ADD muchacho who wishes he had a tail to help me with the million things I have to carry from class to class. I will no longer have a patronize-r to calm me down when I'm stressed. This coming school year, I will be missing a very close friend.
I love you Jaime!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
They've taught me how to talk.
Let's Dance-Hawk Nelson
They teach us how to talk, they'll teach us how to walk
They'll teach us how to dance just like this
They'll teach us how to dress in nothin' but the best
It's all about success
Why do we fill our heads
With these things that all make no sense
We're no different from the rest
We're all just tryin' to shake this mess
My personality is altered far too easily. Simply the people I hang out with can change the way I think, the vocabulary I use, even my subconscious gestures and body language. I need to remember who I am, and not let my identity be altered and morphed to please whoever I'm with. Especially now. . . everyone seems depressed and I feel like I'm no longer very good at cheering people up. If I let their depression get to me, I won't be able to help them either. I'm proud of myself though, so far I'm holding up.
Today was. . . today. I had some really good Starbucks today. I was falling asleep in freaking Driver's Ed today, so I broke my caffeine rule and treated myself. Tomorrow should be my last day.
PowerHouse was really fun today. We just kicked back & talked, goofing around. I met Shyana's friend, Terry, from Diamond Bar. Cute kid, pretty funny but way too shy. Shy had introduced him to me on the phone & he was fine, but in person--way too shy.
For me, there was this really cute white guy. Good personality, nice smile, MY AGE. The works. Too bad he lives in Oregon. Distance always gets me. :( I got his messenger though, just in case he comes back to California. ;) I should have gone for the phone number, but that could have gotten a bit awkward with so many people there, including my mother. Hah.
They teach us how to talk, they'll teach us how to walk
They'll teach us how to dance just like this
They'll teach us how to dress in nothin' but the best
It's all about success
Why do we fill our heads
With these things that all make no sense
We're no different from the rest
We're all just tryin' to shake this mess
My personality is altered far too easily. Simply the people I hang out with can change the way I think, the vocabulary I use, even my subconscious gestures and body language. I need to remember who I am, and not let my identity be altered and morphed to please whoever I'm with. Especially now. . . everyone seems depressed and I feel like I'm no longer very good at cheering people up. If I let their depression get to me, I won't be able to help them either. I'm proud of myself though, so far I'm holding up.
Today was. . . today. I had some really good Starbucks today. I was falling asleep in freaking Driver's Ed today, so I broke my caffeine rule and treated myself. Tomorrow should be my last day.
PowerHouse was really fun today. We just kicked back & talked, goofing around. I met Shyana's friend, Terry, from Diamond Bar. Cute kid, pretty funny but way too shy. Shy had introduced him to me on the phone & he was fine, but in person--way too shy.
For me, there was this really cute white guy. Good personality, nice smile, MY AGE. The works. Too bad he lives in Oregon. Distance always gets me. :( I got his messenger though, just in case he comes back to California. ;) I should have gone for the phone number, but that could have gotten a bit awkward with so many people there, including my mother. Hah.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Mastering the Art.
It's a good feeling to own an instrument. Not in the sense of having an object of value in your possession (although that is a great feeling) but to master it, to immerse yourself in it, to be able to express yourself through it. To be able to pick up your instrument and a piece of music and absorb so much from a mere piece of paper with little ink blotches and feel your fingers snap into place without even thinking about the notes; to feel the beat, tap your foot, and fall into time with a band. It's a great feeling. It gives you a high that is only accomplished through music. There's nothing like it.
On a note of a different length, Driver's Ed today. . . eight hours of rewording/summarizing a textbook. It's worse than seventh grade World History with Mrs. Miller. Thank goodness of my iPod. I updated it last night and now it's so awesome & full it's lagging. I need to buy a new MP3, I currently have a Shuffle with the minimum memory. . . it holds about a hundred songs. . .music wasn't my thing in eighth grade & now I'm paying the consequences . I think I might be buying one from Yan. Apple is overrated & expensive. . .unless someone has an iPod they're selling. I might be interested. ><'
Current song addiction--7 Nation Army, The White Stripes.
I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
I'm also liking Kate Nash and some of the old Kelly Clarkson hits. I was going through my old music. . .I had terrible taste in music.
Tim--thank you, your playlist contains good artists and awesome songs.
To do: Learn how to cook Ketchup Rice for Yan & I . :D
I'm also finding out who I am this summer, or at least I think I am. . .My friends rub off on me too much for me to be sure sometimes. . .but as of this moment:
I'm the basic one. I try to practice frugality. Corny sense of humor. Optimist. There's alot more I've learned about myself, but it's hard to put into words, and it's for me, not the people who merely read my blogs. I love that you do, but spend time with me to learn. Life's no fun if everything's simply spelled out for you.
On a note of a different length, Driver's Ed today. . . eight hours of rewording/summarizing a textbook. It's worse than seventh grade World History with Mrs. Miller. Thank goodness of my iPod. I updated it last night and now it's so awesome & full it's lagging. I need to buy a new MP3, I currently have a Shuffle with the minimum memory. . . it holds about a hundred songs. . .music wasn't my thing in eighth grade & now I'm paying the consequences . I think I might be buying one from Yan. Apple is overrated & expensive. . .unless someone has an iPod they're selling. I might be interested. ><'
Current song addiction--7 Nation Army, The White Stripes.
I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
I'm also liking Kate Nash and some of the old Kelly Clarkson hits. I was going through my old music. . .I had terrible taste in music.
Tim--thank you, your playlist contains good artists and awesome songs.
To do: Learn how to cook Ketchup Rice for Yan & I . :D
I'm also finding out who I am this summer, or at least I think I am. . .My friends rub off on me too much for me to be sure sometimes. . .but as of this moment:
I'm the basic one. I try to practice frugality. Corny sense of humor. Optimist. There's alot more I've learned about myself, but it's hard to put into words, and it's for me, not the people who merely read my blogs. I love that you do, but spend time with me to learn. Life's no fun if everything's simply spelled out for you.
Quick Update #2.
No time for contemplation tonight. It's 2AM & I have Driver's Ed tomorrow at 9. I just felt the need to blab about my life for a bit.
So I'm REtaking Driver's Ed this week. Started yesterday & go until Thursday from 9AM-3:30PM with an hour lunch break. Not very fun. I took it once already, but the company went bankrupt before they issued my certificate of completion. That course was much shorter, three hours for five days I believe. I would have gotten the certificate if it weren't for freaking drill team. . .oh & to top it off, they original drillers decided to cut the team from 9 to 4 three days before drill down. Our class lost before they presented arms.
I know I'm being really mean. . .but I'm bitter about my time being wasted.
Oh well, the original drillers had it rough. They deserve credit for pulling through til the end.
Driver's Ed isn't a total waste though, there's this really cute guy taking it who I went to lunch with. We walked around Redlands Mall for an hour. Hah. Oh well, we're going to lunch again tomorrow, hopefully that will be a bit less ghetto.
I got a . . .I don't know what they're called. Those little bumps on the inside of your mouth that aren't caused by a serious strand of herpes. Cold sores? Boils? Well anyway, I got one of them on my lip, & I have summer band this week. Since I play clarinet, I'm constantly biting my lip. Not fun. Oh well, tomorrow I'm going to Boba with Lewes, Sam & Sharla, so that should be really fun assuming my dad is in a much better mood tomorrow than he was today.
I updated my iPod to a whole new level of awesome. I'm waiting for it to explode any minute now from an overload of amazing. b^-^
Boy update: He is either extremely stupid or is trying to get me to off myself. It's so blatantly obvious that I like him, but he doesn't seem to see it. He flirts with me, and it's too much to be the innate little stuff, but I think that's just because he enjoys flirting. Oh well, his loss&waste of time. I'm not offing myself anytime soon. :D
To Do List:
-Eat healthier, inspired by Ambyr's blog.
-Drink more water so my lips don't take such a toll in summer band.
-Get more of a golden tan. Probably not happening, because I just turn black when I tan.
-Finally buy a new iPod/mp3. Probably from Yan, even tough it runs on Windows Media. I don't really mind.
-Finish The Screwtap Letters. I was reading that & didn't realize it from the point of view of devil's advocate until about a page in. . .FAILLLLLL.
-Get hair cut Wednesday. What on earth should I get?
So I'm REtaking Driver's Ed this week. Started yesterday & go until Thursday from 9AM-3:30PM with an hour lunch break. Not very fun. I took it once already, but the company went bankrupt before they issued my certificate of completion. That course was much shorter, three hours for five days I believe. I would have gotten the certificate if it weren't for freaking drill team. . .oh & to top it off, they original drillers decided to cut the team from 9 to 4 three days before drill down. Our class lost before they presented arms.
I know I'm being really mean. . .but I'm bitter about my time being wasted.
Oh well, the original drillers had it rough. They deserve credit for pulling through til the end.
Driver's Ed isn't a total waste though, there's this really cute guy taking it who I went to lunch with. We walked around Redlands Mall for an hour. Hah. Oh well, we're going to lunch again tomorrow, hopefully that will be a bit less ghetto.
I got a . . .I don't know what they're called. Those little bumps on the inside of your mouth that aren't caused by a serious strand of herpes. Cold sores? Boils? Well anyway, I got one of them on my lip, & I have summer band this week. Since I play clarinet, I'm constantly biting my lip. Not fun. Oh well, tomorrow I'm going to Boba with Lewes, Sam & Sharla, so that should be really fun assuming my dad is in a much better mood tomorrow than he was today.
I updated my iPod to a whole new level of awesome. I'm waiting for it to explode any minute now from an overload of amazing. b^-^
Boy update: He is either extremely stupid or is trying to get me to off myself. It's so blatantly obvious that I like him, but he doesn't seem to see it. He flirts with me, and it's too much to be the innate little stuff, but I think that's just because he enjoys flirting. Oh well, his loss&waste of time. I'm not offing myself anytime soon. :D
To Do List:
-Eat healthier, inspired by Ambyr's blog.
-Drink more water so my lips don't take such a toll in summer band.
-Get more of a golden tan. Probably not happening, because I just turn black when I tan.
-Finally buy a new iPod/mp3. Probably from Yan, even tough it runs on Windows Media. I don't really mind.
-Finish The Screwtap Letters. I was reading that & didn't realize it from the point of view of devil's advocate until about a page in. . .FAILLLLLL.
-Get hair cut Wednesday. What on earth should I get?
Sunday, August 2, 2009
It's Unfortunate.
It's unfortunate that I'll never be the girl you've built and chosen in your mind. I'll never be the girl that you see on the street and wish you could be with. I'll never be the girl that captivates you after only one conversation. I'll never be the girl who fits into size 00 jeans. I'll never be the girl whose voice makes your heart melt. I'll never be the girl that you wish would just look at you with her gorgeous hazel eyes. I'll never be the girl that makes you wish and long for her attention. That's just not me. What an unfortunate thing.
Instead I'm the girl that's willing to listen, I'm here for you whenever you need me, literally. I'm the girl you think you can read like a book. I'm the girl who cracks corny jokes but still laughs at your worst puns. I'm the girl who is realistic and will blatantly tell you when you're being stupid. I'm the girl who refuses to wear lipstick because it tastes wretched. I'm the girl who will stay up all night, just to talk to you. I'm the girl who doesn't go to wild raves and parties. I'm the girl who would rather stay home blogging and listening to songs with cheesy love lyrics. I'm the girl you keep overlooking because although I'm here, I don't fit the cookie cutter you've formulated in your day dreams.
I wish I could be. I wish I were that girl, but I'm not and you're not worth the change. I can only change so much before it becomes dangerous, before I risk losing my identity. Because of you I began to second guess myself. Because of you I forgot about my friends. Because of you I pushed aside my family. It's unfortunate that you are blind to what I am willing to do for you.
Maybe one day you'll see what you missed, maybe one day you'll realize you made a mistake pushing me aside. But for now, it's just another series of unfortunate events.
Instead I'm the girl that's willing to listen, I'm here for you whenever you need me, literally. I'm the girl you think you can read like a book. I'm the girl who cracks corny jokes but still laughs at your worst puns. I'm the girl who is realistic and will blatantly tell you when you're being stupid. I'm the girl who refuses to wear lipstick because it tastes wretched. I'm the girl who will stay up all night, just to talk to you. I'm the girl who doesn't go to wild raves and parties. I'm the girl who would rather stay home blogging and listening to songs with cheesy love lyrics. I'm the girl you keep overlooking because although I'm here, I don't fit the cookie cutter you've formulated in your day dreams.
I wish I could be. I wish I were that girl, but I'm not and you're not worth the change. I can only change so much before it becomes dangerous, before I risk losing my identity. Because of you I began to second guess myself. Because of you I forgot about my friends. Because of you I pushed aside my family. It's unfortunate that you are blind to what I am willing to do for you.
Maybe one day you'll see what you missed, maybe one day you'll realize you made a mistake pushing me aside. But for now, it's just another series of unfortunate events.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Jealousy.
Jealous
Adj--Feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often fol. by of): He was jealous of his rich brother.
When it comes down to it, I am a jealous person. Sometimes I have those moments where I think, "Oh, I'm not that jealous. I don't have to have things just because someone else does," but by the definition Dictionary.com gave me, I am.
I actually am jealous of my brother. He's smarter than me, more athletic than me, and more popular than me. When it comes down to it, I'm still glad that I'm me, not him because he doesn't have the will to apply himself, but still it's a bit of that "ouch" factor that makes me sometimes wish and wonder why I'm not as talented as he is.
I'm extremely jealous with my boys, the ones that are friends. As a generalization, I think girls are evil manipulative creatures that just want to have drama, flirt, and play around. This makes me extremely protective of my guy friends. It's also a bit that I'm jealous of their time. I don't care who you are, you'll never spend as much time with your friends once you have a boyfriend/girlfriend and for high school kids, it seems to be impossible to understand that you still want to keep your friends around and NOT neglect them, not because they won't be there for you later but because friendships are (or at least should be) stronger than high school relationships.
Lastly, I'm jealous when it comes to him. In my past relationship, I totally freaked out about my ex's exes. It was partially due to the situation I was in, but the loathing I had for the most recent ex was inexcusable. I'm somewhat better now. When I see him with other girls, I still get jealous but more of a sad feeling comes with it. That sad feeling sucks so badly. . .It's kind of this gray emptiness that eats away at me from the inside, that I wish I could just throw up and forget about, yet I can't as hard as I try. But I guess me being sad is better than me hating someone, correct?
I don't understand why people try to make others jealous, romantically at least. If you care about someone or even have an interest in him/her, wouldn't you want to keep him/her happy? Why would you want to make him/her sad or hateful towards another person? I honestly don't feel that it makes me like him any more when he talks about other girls, so why does he? And yet, I consider trying to make him jealous, even though it kills me when he does it. (I'm not sure whether or not I play the whole "jealousy" card very often, but like to think I don't. I guess I'll have to start paying more attention.) The worst part is there are so many other people who do the same thing, so I know I'm not just some crazy freak. Is it innate? Is it picked up as we watch other people do it? It makes me wonder. . .
Adj--Feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often fol. by of): He was jealous of his rich brother.
When it comes down to it, I am a jealous person. Sometimes I have those moments where I think, "Oh, I'm not that jealous. I don't have to have things just because someone else does," but by the definition Dictionary.com gave me, I am.
I actually am jealous of my brother. He's smarter than me, more athletic than me, and more popular than me. When it comes down to it, I'm still glad that I'm me, not him because he doesn't have the will to apply himself, but still it's a bit of that "ouch" factor that makes me sometimes wish and wonder why I'm not as talented as he is.
I'm extremely jealous with my boys, the ones that are friends. As a generalization, I think girls are evil manipulative creatures that just want to have drama, flirt, and play around. This makes me extremely protective of my guy friends. It's also a bit that I'm jealous of their time. I don't care who you are, you'll never spend as much time with your friends once you have a boyfriend/girlfriend and for high school kids, it seems to be impossible to understand that you still want to keep your friends around and NOT neglect them, not because they won't be there for you later but because friendships are (or at least should be) stronger than high school relationships.
Lastly, I'm jealous when it comes to him. In my past relationship, I totally freaked out about my ex's exes. It was partially due to the situation I was in, but the loathing I had for the most recent ex was inexcusable. I'm somewhat better now. When I see him with other girls, I still get jealous but more of a sad feeling comes with it. That sad feeling sucks so badly. . .It's kind of this gray emptiness that eats away at me from the inside, that I wish I could just throw up and forget about, yet I can't as hard as I try. But I guess me being sad is better than me hating someone, correct?
I don't understand why people try to make others jealous, romantically at least. If you care about someone or even have an interest in him/her, wouldn't you want to keep him/her happy? Why would you want to make him/her sad or hateful towards another person? I honestly don't feel that it makes me like him any more when he talks about other girls, so why does he? And yet, I consider trying to make him jealous, even though it kills me when he does it. (I'm not sure whether or not I play the whole "jealousy" card very often, but like to think I don't. I guess I'll have to start paying more attention.) The worst part is there are so many other people who do the same thing, so I know I'm not just some crazy freak. Is it innate? Is it picked up as we watch other people do it? It makes me wonder. . .
Sophomore Slump.
I'm in writing mood, yet the things I just wanted to talk about have suddenly up and left my head.
Well anyway, today I went to Loma Linda to fix my schedule. To sum it up, I can take Spanish 2 at LLA and I still have two kick-donk teachers for religion. Yet, there was a price to pay and I have to take applied arts my senior year and had to drop Honors Geometry, which really isn't all that big of a problem as I didn't want H. Geo in the first place. So the schedule is settled for now, although I'm going to talk to Mr. Jarrard. . . I'm kind of interested in H. Geo now. . .
Next year will be quite the hassle. I slacked off sophomore year, so now I really need to kick things into high gear. Sophomore slump is no longer an excuse. I must change, not only for my grades, not only for my friends, but for myself. No more leaving lessons unread, no more putting off studying, I have to try my best. I can't let myself talk and rant about my friends, they're the ones that get me through the day--I need to realize and appreciate that. I have to live for myself which means thinking about the future, sleeping more when I can, and taking that stress control B12 stuff. It's time to shape up.
I have to say, sophomore year was terrible both socially and academically. I took my old friends forgranted, placed too much faith in new ones, and was far too judgmental. Well, junior year is coming up. Thank you God for the chance of a fresh start.
Well anyway, today I went to Loma Linda to fix my schedule. To sum it up, I can take Spanish 2 at LLA and I still have two kick-donk teachers for religion. Yet, there was a price to pay and I have to take applied arts my senior year and had to drop Honors Geometry, which really isn't all that big of a problem as I didn't want H. Geo in the first place. So the schedule is settled for now, although I'm going to talk to Mr. Jarrard. . . I'm kind of interested in H. Geo now. . .
Next year will be quite the hassle. I slacked off sophomore year, so now I really need to kick things into high gear. Sophomore slump is no longer an excuse. I must change, not only for my grades, not only for my friends, but for myself. No more leaving lessons unread, no more putting off studying, I have to try my best. I can't let myself talk and rant about my friends, they're the ones that get me through the day--I need to realize and appreciate that. I have to live for myself which means thinking about the future, sleeping more when I can, and taking that stress control B12 stuff. It's time to shape up.
I have to say, sophomore year was terrible both socially and academically. I took my old friends forgranted, placed too much faith in new ones, and was far too judgmental. Well, junior year is coming up. Thank you God for the chance of a fresh start.
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