Update.

I haven't merely babbled about my life for a while. I think I'll catch up now.

Today-Work with Shyana is actually somewhat entertaining. I still dislike it, but it's not a loathing anymore. Bella, one of the modified workers, was sent back to work today making the work setting a bit more busy and noticeably quieter. On the bright side, on the the clients has a really cute grandson. He's not my type, but it lightens up the day & makes it a bit more interesting. He is however Shyana's type. ;) Kidding, somewhat. Lunch at Carls & Rite Aid. Boba & wandering around the Loma Linda Plaza was really fun, despite the heat. PowerHouse, not too bad although some of the kids who come are idiotsssss. Coach hurt his leg though. . . I'm pretty worried about that. It just kind of sucks to see him finally getting old, I've known him almost as long as I've known Shyana. . .

Life in general-Confusion much? Right when I feel as if I have the answer to my question, I'm presented with another possible answer, another way of looking at the situation. Yet, despite the maze in my head I think I'm finally happy. A friend pointed out that I should be able to like someone without having to strive for a relationship with him, and I'm finally trying to do that. Just be friends. Nothing more. It's hard to stay in that state of mind, but hopefully it'll be worth it. I feel happy. Actually, legitimately happy. It's a very good feeling, I just hope it will last. Relationship with the parents is alright, for the time being, another plus. Relationships with the amigos are rebuilding themselves. The only thing that is getting worse is The Fall. . .we really need to figure out a way to revive that place, without Jr/Sr Bible Conference. . .it's really tough. My spiritual life could use some work too, although it can never be strong enough that's no reason to slack.
Yet despite the change, despite the challenges--all in all, it's a good summer.

I've got this feeling. . .

It's not appealing. At all. I'm not sure what's with me right now, and I can't begin to express how much that annoys me.

I kind of feel. . .bleh. Like I want to throw up my emotions. I want to become an emotional bulimic. Right now, that really sounds heavenly. Even if the process of throwing up those emotions is painful and disgusting, I still feel like having those emotions out of my body would be worth it.

I feel happy. . . like only the best of days can make me, yet my day hasn't been amazing.
I feel self conscious. . . yet don't feel like I have a reason to be, well I don't feel like that at the moment at least.
I feel like I want change. . . yet I'm not willing to change myself.
I feel like I want to grow up. . . yet I know this stage of my life is more than necessary.
I feel confused. . . yet in my head, things make more sense than they have in a while even though it'll be another jigsaw puzzle tomorrow.
I feel tired. . . yet I haven't done anything truly mentally laborious in a while.
I feel used. . . yet can't summon the strength to pull away.
I feel curious. . . yet know that the fire will burn me.

What do these emotions add up to? How can there be so many negatives in my head, and yet happiness is overcoming them all? That's called joy isn't it? But how can I really be joyful when I'm wondering about all of these negative things?

And now. . . I'm just more confused.

Oh My.

When Sam slapped me into a blogging mood, oh goodness did he slap me into a blogging mood.

WARNING. This isn't based on anyone in particular--just thoughts that have accumulated over time, being spilled out in one sitting.

I'm so tired of being "the friend". Guys complain about it all the time, but guess what boys, you do it to us as well. It's not that I don't love sitting here, talking to you about whatever has got you down, but I just want to be able to be seen as more than the friend. I'm tired of sitting back and helping you get with the girl you want all the while watching the boy I want fly by.

I want a relationship. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I'm done with being single. I want to be like every other high school girl for once and flash around the boy friend. For once, I want to be normal.

And now I sound like every other retarded high school-er that's so desperate to enter a relationship. That knowledge is what slaps me in the face and reminds me--I am merely a capricious, confused, little teenager who needs to remember her place in the world. That's such a frustrating realization.

waste my time.

Why do I waste my time on things that I know will piss me off later?
Why do I waste my time on boys if I know that nothing's going to happen?
Why do I waste my time on people when I know we share a parasitic relationship?
Why do I waste my time when I have five other much more productive things that I should be doing?
Why do I waste my time on things I have absolutely no passion for?
Why do I waste my time wondering why I seem to have no passion at all?


I was going to add Waste My Time by Alexz Johnson to this blog, it's a song I used to really like,
but then I realized that I have no clue how to attach audio clips to Blogger and that I had terrible taste in music freshman year.

4AM

So turns out there's really not all that much to do at 4AM. My blogging drive was triggered by Sam's FB note. So now I'm in a writing mood, yet am lacking a subject. Fun times waking up at 3:30 in the morning due to nightmares [NOT]. So this blog will be very interesting. I'll probably re-read it in the morning and realize that nothing makes sense, but oh well. Hopefully "thinking" at this bloody time in the morning will make me tired.

So due to my lovely community service summer job of volunteering at the adult day care, I've been thinking about physical and mental decay for quite a while. If I had the choice, what would I choose? While mental decay would be easier for me, it's extremely painful for the family. Physical decay is a bit more self-sacrificing, but watching your body slowly shut down? Knowing that you could die at any time? Realizing that these are the last days of your life?

I guess that's where wisdom, patience, and gratefulness steps in. Virtues that you've worked on building up your whole life. If you've mentally decayed, hopefully you've built up strong enough relationships that the ones you loved throughout your life will return your kindness and not find too strenuous to take care of you in your intellectually crippled state. And if your mind goes first, then hopefully you're wise enough to appreciate the days you've had and the days you have in front of you.

That's one of the things I noticed at the day care. . . The first day I was there I noticed people are different. They're appreciative, well most of them at least. Miss B especially, she's an older woman, in a wheel chair, left arm in a cast, the whole shabang, yet when you ask her how her weekend was, she replies "blessed". Just something that stuck me as admirable. . .

One day I'll probably look back at this summer and be glad I volunteered at the day care.

Denotation.

Trust. noun--confident expectation of something; hope.
Trust is a funny thing. The words "I trust you" sound so confident, yet really what does one have to base trust upon? Other's actions, other's words? Well many people's actions lie, and many people's words lie. How do you really know if someone is trust worthy? I guess that's it. . .you don't know. Trust is merely a hope. A hope that someone won't fool you, a hope that someone won't lie to you, a hope that someone wont use you. Trust. It seems so strong, so durable but it's not. It's merely another words that we abuse daily.

Love, noun--strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything.
Love. Yet another word that is abused daily. "I love you". Do you really love him/her? It's an emotion. How do you really know when you love someone? When you'd be willing to give your life for him/her? That's so easy to say, but if you had to experience your worst fear in the most gruesome excruciating way possible, would you? Would you go through all of that to save him/her from a quick and painless death? The connotation is so different than the denotation. In my mind, love is a passion, a feeling, an emotion yet in the dictionary it's merely a strong liking or passionate affection? I don't think love can be expressed by mere adjectives and nouns, yet there are some I know who don't go a day without carelessly throwing such a powerful word as a mere verb to make someone feel appreciated.

I'm Sorry. . .

I know you say if I were really sorry I wouldn't do this, but it's something I can't get out of my head. This is my time to fall, all I can do is pray that you'll be there to help me get back up and nurse me back to health. I'm so sorry. I know I said I would heed your warnings, but I can't this time. You were too late, and now I'm far too deep. Please remember I'm sorry, but this is just something I have to do on my own for once. I'm not always right, but you can be wrong--hopefully this will be one of those rare occasions where you aren't correct. I'm sorry. I'm done holding your hand, I'm going now, into the world--to live for myself, to learn for myself. This is my decision, it will affect my life. Please realize that I am sorry that I am putting you through it, using you as a crutch, even through it drags you through the dirt. It's my turn to keep my interests in mind, and stop trying to please you all. It's time for me to make my own decisions, to go make my own path but thank you, for being there along the way. I love you.

Tough Cookie Type of Day.

Today has been so draining. A real roller coaster--endorphins, adrenaline, the whole sha-bang. Woke up early-good. Showed up at IHOP & Alex is eating breakfast with someone else at Denny's-bad. Go back home, talk to friends-good. Apologize for being a jerk to a friend-good. Go to church-good. Hear Kid Gramophone-good. Get into a fight with a friend-bad. Go home and talk again-good. Get into another fight with the same friend-BAD, BAD, BAD! Problems are resolved, but now I'm sitting here feeling empty. Did he mean that? Was that really true? Did he say that out of anger? So many things are running through my head.

So many things are running through my head. Anger, hurt, pain, evil, [non-sexual] perversion. Everything imaginable. Was it really worth it? Would I be happier if I had made other choices? I don't know. I suppose I'm glad it happened--after all, it's made me who I am today, but I honestly do think that I should have done several things differently.

And now I don't know what's happening inside of my head. It's my head, I should be able to figure it out. Denial, doubt, sadness, betrayal--it all fills my head. I don't know anymore--I honestly don't understand guys. Not just recently either, looking back, it's the biggest maze I've ever constructed in my head, and it seems as if all the questions left floating have dead ends. I can't seem to pick the good from the bad until they show their colors. Now even though if they show they're a jerk they're screwed. . . what if that doesn't come out until it's too late? Ugh guys. . .



bastards.

oh leng zai's--when did this become you?

ChapStick.

So we went to Chipotle for lunch today, and I decided to leave my ChapStick in the car since I didn't have a purse. Now I'm a HUGE lip balm addict. The tingly feeling in your lips from the medicated brands, the relief of putting it on after being without it for a few hours, it's a panacea curing everything from chapped lips to a chaffed nose. I absolutely love chapstick. I get excited when I try a new type, lamesauce but it's just that great. When I returned to the car, I oppened my tube of chapstick I foudn it was melted. Not just kind of gooey, but completely melted--as in some splashed out of the tube and onto my hand and I started yelling while about half of the tube fell onto the floor and my clothes. This wasn't any kind either--it was ChapStick Moisturizer, my favorite brand. It's not one of the kinds that don't feel all that great a couple weeks after you buy it, it's feel great practically til the tube runs out. And now, my favorite chapstick is dead. Now I could relate this to life and how the things you love the most always seem to end up burning and blistering you in the end--but no, this was just a blog about how sad I am that my ChapStick died. :(

Although I am looking forward to trying a different kind. I have like four open tubes around my house right now though, but I always lose them!

Fear.

So I found this really good blogger today, I was reading several of his entries and ran across this one:: http://romeosintuition.xanga.com/706896862/foolish-little-girl/. To summarize, it's about his friend who was a good Catholic girl until she turned 18. When she was 18 she found a guy. One of those jerks who's only goal in life is to lay as many virgins as possible. The girl had been raised amazingly, strict enough parents, oldest sibling, model family but when it came down to it--she still fell for bull.

That makes me think, that makes me wonder, that makes me scared, that makes me fearful. What if I end up like that? I tend to have a huge problem holding up what I say. I'm a hypocrite. Just like my parents, just like my teachers, just like everyone else in the world. We all do it, there is definitely something wrong with it but what can I say--we're human. What if this is one of those hypocritical things? Talk is cheap, talk is easy. Actions are oh-so expensive. To carry out something, to hold true to your word--it's one of the hardest things I've come across.

Now I know the obvious thing is--trust God and you'll be good, pray about it and somehow God will pull you through, but don't you think the Catholic girl prayed about it? I believe religious denomination is a small thing to God. He's not going to help me more than he did that girl because I'm SDA. This is also something that I don't believe God can fully take care of. I don't think He'll keep me from having to make the choice of whether or not to have premarital sex out of the question. I know He won't send a big flashing NO, NO, NO YOU IDIOT sign right when I'm tempted. I really don't know how He'll help me and even though I know He will, it's still a scary thought--especially from a girl's perspective.

Quick Blog

Have to go to bed early today, so short gist of the day--
Dropped of Aunt Mina at the airport.
Went to Denny's with the family.
Went to Yan's house.
Myung Ga--mmmm.
Powerhouse rather fun.

That's it. All in all, good day.

Heartless.

How could you be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze?
I mean after all the things that we've been through,
And yet you still want me to watch the way I'm talking to you?
How could you be so Dr. Evil?
You're bringing out a side of me that I didn't know.
I decided we weren't going to speak though,
And now you can't make it right,
I wish I could leave tonight.
--my take on Heartless, Kanye West.

I'm so tired of the fighting. I'm fed up with this. I wish I could walk away. Tonight, I found three words that are obviously not in his vocabulary--connotation, body language, and dialogue. Go ahead, claim that I have everything I want, but that doesn't become truth until I have a happy emotional environment. My friends wouldn't hurt me, boys can't hurt me [anymore]--you're the one twisting the knife in my back.

It's sickening how you destroy everything.
Most of the time I think I'd be happier if you left.
You break your promises one after the other.

Now how dare you try to coat your venomous words, making them look like words of encouragement. How dare you think I would fall for your lies yet again. You made the mistake; you took me to be the child I once was. I'm done with this verbal and mental abuse. No matter how I act, no matter what I do, it's never enough for you.
This is where the road ends, I've had more than enough.


The sickest part is that I know I can't mean these words. I have to forgive you. Not only because my beliefs, my faith but because of blood. Blood is the damnedest thing. It makes you do things that you know are moronic. It makes you forgive the one you know will merely smack you across the other cheek with their first chance. It makes you accept the one who cost you tears time and time again. It makes you pretend like nothing's happened after many verbal wars. It makes you move on after so many emotion and physical wounds have just healed. It makes you prone and open to attack over and over. It makes you relive the pain over and over with the mere hope that everything will be blissful one day, even when you know that's nearly impossible. Yet it's blood. You literally couldn't live without it.

Do you, do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful?

--F*** You, Lily Allen
I miss school. Not because I miss seeing my friends, not because I miss being academically productive, but because I miss the escape. I miss being away from home for nine hours. It's amazing what a difference nine hours can create. The break just makes everything flow so much easier. It gives everyone a chance to take a breather, to think things over, to give everyone a bit of freedom--child and parent. Over summer it seems as if the family is constantly breathing down eachother's necks, 24/7. Plus, homework is a very good excuse to get out of lectures.

Random Factum: I was reading an article today on how Americans should end frugality to boost the economy. Terribly written article. The writer kept trying to taunt citizens into spending by asking what had happened to the American spirit of taking chances. Fail article. It sounded stupid and the taunting was blatantly obvious. No skill.

What's the Cause?

I'm in such a terrible mood right now. I feel so sad, alone even. The worst part is I know that I have at least five friends I could call right now who would be willing to talk to me about it, who would be willing to try to cheer me up, but I don't want to talk. Do I want to feel pain right now? Do I want to sit here and wallow in self pity? What's wrong with me? Right now, I don't even know why I feel like this, it's ridiculous. It's my head, why can't I figure out what's going on?

I really wish I had somewhere I could go to for complete and utter silence, where I could just sit and be alone. Room's don't work. I can hear other people's screams through these paper thin walls. Even up on the roof I hear passing cars, dogs, and moronic neighbors; plus my parents are barely thrilled to hear I'm scaling up to the roof. I want a sanctuary, a safe haven. I miss the lake.

Home Alone

I honestly love being home alone. The sheer silence. Being able to do whatever I want, undisturbed, only talking to the people I want to talk to via internet and cell phone. I love it. I just wish I had those opportunities more often. Or at least a lap top so I could lock myself in a room.

I want to begin taking Sabbath observance more seriously. I want to become more hardcore. Not to the point where I wont cook or bathe on Sabbath, but I need to change some things. I don't really like going out to eat on Sabbath just because we're supporting other people working. . . I should probably stop, but it's just really relaxing to go out to eat with friends after church and not have to worry about cooking/scavenging food and cleaning up afterward. I'm not exactly sure where I'll go with that. I also want to stop doing such secular things on the Sabbath. It's supposed to be a day for me to commune with God and other believers(says Aunty Ellen). Instead, you often find me at the computer watching House/NCIS or sleeping. I think I'm going to try to go to bed earlier Friday nights and be awake all day Sabbath, just rockin' out to Jesus music, thinking, praying, and talking to a few friends. I was reading an old Facebook note that was pretty much a survey for my friends about me. One of the questions is what they would give me if they could. Thank kind of makes me think, God's gift to me was Sabbath. I honestly don't know what I would do without the Sabbath. Even how I observe the Sabbath at this point in time, it's relaxing, a good cool down from the week. No homework, no studying. Just chill. In Jedish's words, "It's Sabbath, everything's good now".

It Ends Tonight.

Work sucked today, who woulda thunk it? It wasn't boring, it's just I was dead tired and I'm not exactly sure why. I didn't stay up till obscene hours of the night as usual, nor did I load up on sugar and/or caffeine the day before, I was merely exhausted. I got to do secretary work today; it's so much better than helping in the Blue room! I felt bad for ditching Bob though, I think he wanted to talk to me. The Fall was a bit depressing. We pretty much failed at announcements, but oh well, beginner's (un)luck(iness). Our video for Craig backfired, I was pretty bummed about that. I'm really going to miss Craig, but we have to move on.

His last advice to me was to think about being a pastor when I grow up. It's really strange. . . I never really considered it. I mean, I love helping with church stuff, listening to people's problems and trying to help, and helping others with self improvement, but pastor? I can't wrap my mind about that. I don't feel spiritually strong enough to guide the spiritual lives of others. I always thought I'd grow up to be a pediatrician, until a few Biology tests into the year that is. Now I'm not really sure if Biology isn't my thing, or if Gonzalez was just not for me. I know she was a good teacher, well at least the whole showing-us-how-this-can-be-applied-in-real-life" aspect but how she explains things just doesn't click for me. And to go into medicine, science and math is important right? Guess what. I'm a math failure. So the medical field is a very fuzzy picture. So option number two? It seems more logical to frame my career around my strengths than to pick a career and hope that I'm talented in that field. So what am I good at? Well, honestly, I'm not even quite sure about that myself. I've found that I typically enjoy my English classes (assuming that I have a competent teacher *cough cough*), so what about something in the English field? What professions work well with an English major? Journalism, writing, law, and obviously teaching English. Well journalism is a tough cookie to get into, and I'm no Sam Sukaton. Next. Writing--I would love to write for a living, but unfortunately unless I can pull a J.K. Rowling it doesn't have a very steady flow of income. Pass for now. Law--I really don't feel like going into law would be my thing. I don't know if I could handle the stress. I might try Mock Trail senior year though, assuming it doesn't crash and burn next year without Mr. Lang. Pass for now. Teaching English--I'm not sure if I would have enough patience for that. Merely imagining being an English teacher. . .I would hate, hate, HATE high school students. Who knows about college level teaching. So I suppose I could try teaching and write on the side, but I don't feel like I would enjoy it as much as pediatrics. Who knows what I'll be when I grow up.

So back to the fall--
This is just a little bulletin I put up on Myspace, but I wanted to save it here on my blog. I just figured it would be a good inspiration for when The Fall days get rainy.
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight.
Let's hope the All-American Rejects are wrong.
Darkness has to turn to light, in a good way.
Everybody, please pray for The Fall.
Craig has done an amazing job, but now it's our turn to become hardcore.
There will be a lot of slack left to pick up, but we can do it.
We have to, lest campus spiritual life return to what it was before. Nonexistent.

So come on, jump a little louder.
Come on, clap a little louder.

Quick Blog

Oh so long day today--
Work at 8AM. I met a senior named Bob; really neat guy. He kind of reminds me of a cross in between Mr. Binkley and Mr. Jarrard. So far, he's probably one of my favorite people from the Day Center. He's in yellow but spent the whole morning in Blue, just talking. Other than that, work sucked as usual. I got all riled up about the baby sitter opening I found in the trading post, but the position was filled when I called at lunch.
Goodbye Craig dinner today. Ultra depressing. It was funny with a million and two good laughs, but when it comes down to it, it was sad.

It's going to be hard to watch Craig walk out of the majority of our lives. It's going to be hard moving on when he barely left us a path to follow. It's going to be hard to pick up the old pieces and dead weight and put together a program, but I guess that's where faith is put to it's greatest test, because when it comes down to it we should be looking to God for direction, not Craig. He's prone to error, just like the rest of us. Craig was a good support along the way, but now we've gotta take off the training wheels and see if we can ride the bike. We just have to have faith in Daddy that he'll help us balance when we start to teeter.

Drive Ins

Drive ins are officially the funnest things ever. I went with Nicole and the Australian girls today to see Public Enemy and The Hangover. Definitely worth it. Public Enemy was a bit iffy throughout most of the movie, but the ending was definitely worth it. I almost started crying. The Hangover was just funny throughout the entire movie. Good stuff.

So, I know I've been away from the blog for a while, I just haven't found anything blog-worthy. So much for the blog-a-day thing, eh? Then I had a little incident today--

I've just realized, this is one of my biggest pet peeves--people who don't follow through. Whether it be someone suddenly disappearing from your life, a flirt who just wants to mess around, or a parent who gives hollow threats--it's annoying. It hurts when someone you respect or even worse, a friend, suddenly decides to up and walk out of your life unexpectedly. Like I've said before, it feels as if he/she doesn't care enough to worry what will become of you in his/her absence. It hurts when a guy who has no intentions of dating you just decides to toy around for a bit too long, believing that there are no strings attached. Now I know flirting is not a contract, but flirting continuously over an extended period of time should be. --Would save me so much grief *sigh*-- And as for the parents, although that doesn't hurt, it sure is annoying. I would rather my parents punish me when they say they will than be softies. I think children are becoming more and more disrespectful due to parents not delivering when they say they will. I'm not exactly sure I would spank a child, but the punishment should fit the crime.

Ahh I think I'm done for the night. Oh but just to make a sad banana a bit happier--
A Biography on Andre Katkov
Andre was born on May 25, 198_(I think it's 9). He currently resides in Yucaipa, CA. His sexual orientation has yet to be confirmed as he has been seen several times in questionable situations with a young Caucasian male believed to be the Ginger--Tim Hergert. Andre likes the color brown, lychee yogurt, and chocolate ice cream. He also drives a blue car.
The End.
PS. He is the author and illustrator of the new founded comic--Kote and dislikes drawing with pencil.
The End, End.

I'm Tired.

Tired of him falling in love with my best friend. Tired of revisiting where I have been. Tired of coming home again. (That was a total take from Lucky, just in case you're completely slow.)

I'm sick of being abused (not physically). I feel like certain people can do the same thing over and over and think that they can get away with it by merely apologizing. I can't take the emotional abuse, it's exhausting. I feel jaded. Like everyone has been taking and taking from me, yet they rarely chose to give back. I know I have more than I should ever ask for, but I just get so frustrated.

I kind of want solitude for once. I want to stay home for a week and not have my family around. If I feel lonely that's fine. I want the peaceful environment that comes with the loneliness. I can't really get that in my house. There's always someone who needs me to do something, or someone barging in, or someone just nagging me.
Random--I think I'm becoming a masochist. Just barely, but enough for me to notice it.

Oh well, now that the stress is all blogged out--This weekend was amazing.
Thursday--Got out late, we just got our stuff out and chilled. CHERRY STEM TYING WIN. That was so much fun. We all just snacked & tied until like 1:30AM. Oh & I met Lauren, Ali's sister. I LOVE HER. She's just chill with a sardonic touch. My type of person.
Friday--Wake boarding was okay. I got up but not very well. My equilibrium is just that terrible. It's so easy off the boom though! I got burnt a bit, not terribly though. Inner tubing was awesome. We all messed up our elbows though. OH and the jet skiis (stand up ones) were real entertaining. And the Sea Doo was alot of fun.
Saturday--Jet skiis and Sea Doo all morning, and then we went in for worship. Deep thinking. The boat malfunctioned, so we didn't go out. We almost sunk Mike's boat because we didn't put the cap on! There was like at least 5" of water in the boat.
Sunday--Knee boarding WIN. That was surprisingly entertaining. Wake boarding win-ish. That darn thing. I can't figure out what to do once I'm up. Haha.

Ahh. I wonder if this tired feeling is how God feels. I know he loves us unconditionally and so much beyond what we can express to others and merely understand, but after a while it seems as if you can't help growing tired. All we do is greedily take more and more. We hurt Him, promise not to do it again, yet fall anyway. It's hard to understand how His love can really be unfailing. I think I felt His love a bit more than usual this weekend. It's almost scary. How do you forgive someone who has caused you so much pain? Simone was telling us about this lady whose family was killed in Rwanda and she forgave the murderer and even let him live with her. How do you do that? How can you be filled with that much compassion and forgiveness? I guess it's just another reason to look forward to heaven.

Lucky.

Today was an odd day. I woke up SO LATE. I was supposed to meet a friend at Boba to say goodbye before I leave for my little weekend getaway and he goes to Anime Expo, and I was nearly two hours late because I over slept and had to wait for a ride. . . I fail. But oh well, it was really fun. After my mom and I went to my cousin's for lunch and she cooked some really good Romanian food as her husband, who is Romanian, is teaching her to cook his type of food. We left late so I got dragged to my mother's doctor appointment. It was an emergency appointment because she's been needing more blood pressure medication and her primary doctor didn't have an opening until August. Her doctor ended up to be pretty cute, but old. Haha. Leave it to me. Ahhh, me and my attraction to insanely old men. Oh well, it's funny. . . . most of the time.

So, I was looking for a deep topic to blog about and couldn't really think of anything, except for everything that I'm ungrateful for. I have a lot of people who love me. I live in an air conditioned home in California. I have two living parents. I have many technological commodities. I know a God. I can be alive without being sustained by a machine. That's so much more than very many people can even ask for, yet here I am whining about my life. I have nothing to complain about. I don't live in a third world country. I don't have to patch my roof with banana leaves. I can communicate with people at all times. I have the education to think and make my own decisions. That's another problem with being an SDA in Loma Linda. I feel like we really do live an a shielded little bubble. We don't see others' pain and struggles. I know we have so many unfortunate people right in San Bernardino, but it seems as if we merely turn them a blind eye and instead focus on the doctors and lawyers that have so much more than we do, materialistically at least. I'm lucky, and I need to remember that.

I feel like I'm drifting.

and not in the cool car manner. I was thinking in the shower today, and I feel like my spiritual relationship with God is weakening. I don't think that it's because all of my problems are over either. I think it may have something to do with the big fight that I got in with my dad. I may have subconsciously been ignoring God because then I would feel guilty for being mad at my dad, yet I still feel as if I have a legitimate reason to be mad. At any rate, my prayer time is going down rapidly. . . I used to spend my shower praying for friends or thinking at least, singing Jesus songs, anything spiritual, but now it's hard to keep my mind from wandering. I know it's probably not the best time to have my daily devotional, but it's just what works best for me. I have a lot of trouble being alone at home and that's really the only time that I really have to myself. . .

On a less serious note, today was an interesting day. Work was exhausting. I got to work with some people from the Yellow Group (the more "normal" ones, if you will). I like them better. I'm not sure why, but I just get along with them better. I think I'll be working with them next time. But back to the Blue Group. I found a lady who reminds me a lot of my grandma. She has the same facial structure and speaks the same. The only obvious difference is Hannah has red hair (dyed of course) and is Hawaiian. I was really liking Hannah, until she snapped at me for trying to take her decoration to hang it up. . . oh well. I think she has Alzheimer's. Today was a bad day for the staff though. At the beginning of each month all the patients have to be weighed, and one of the patients collapsed and took a nurse down with him. The nurse is now on light work (I forgot the word. . .). Another of the patients seized today. I know it's bad, but I'm kind of sad that I missed it. I think it would have been cool to see a seizure in real life instead of on House for once. . .

After work I went to the hair stylist with Shun-yan. Turns out the lady who does my hair, Roxy, is on maternity leave! Trish, my old hair stylist, was busy all day so she suggested Lauren (haha, Big Blue!), and well. . . let's just say Shun-yan isn't very please. I feel terrible about that. . . We went to her house after and I met Helen. It's scary how alike they are.

I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to run for senior office. I may just go SA. . .I'm tired of working my butt off for my class and nobody noticing. I know I don't really have the right to complain, but I have to be honest--it's frustrating
to work so hard yet make nobody happy. It's hard to lose office positions to people who don't do anything as an officer until the end of the year. Oh well, that's high school for ya. But I think I'll try out SA second semester, and we'll see what happens from there . . .

I've decided. This is the summer to mend that certain friendship. If it doesn't happen now, it might never. He's willing to patch things up, and I'm going to make an effort to. I was the wrong one, and I still got the longer end of the stick. This is also the summer where I will try something new. Hopefully no one will get hurt, and if something does happen. . . well that's what happens when you play with fire. There may not be a literal warning label on the flint, but it's assumed.

There wasn't really a deep thought today. . . My first paragraph was supposed to be it, but I failed. Oh well, asta la vista.

I'm out until Sunday in Barstow with Nicole, the girlies, and the AUSTRALIANS. I'm very excited. ^-^ Watch me come back more burnt than a piece of toast. I'm going to try to keep journaling & post it when I return, but no promises.

Peace.