Today has been so draining. A real roller coaster--endorphins, adrenaline, the whole sha-bang. Woke up early-good. Showed up at IHOP & Alex is eating breakfast with someone else at Denny's-bad. Go back home, talk to friends-good. Apologize for being a jerk to a friend-good. Go to church-good. Hear Kid Gramophone-good. Get into a fight with a friend-bad. Go home and talk again-good. Get into another fight with the same friend-BAD, BAD, BAD! Problems are resolved, but now I'm sitting here feeling empty. Did he mean that? Was that really true? Did he say that out of anger? So many things are running through my head.
So many things are running through my head. Anger, hurt, pain, evil, [non-sexual] perversion. Everything imaginable. Was it really worth it? Would I be happier if I had made other choices? I don't know. I suppose I'm glad it happened--after all, it's made me who I am today, but I honestly do think that I should have done several things differently.
And now I don't know what's happening inside of my head. It's my head, I should be able to figure it out. Denial, doubt, sadness, betrayal--it all fills my head. I don't know anymore--I honestly don't understand guys. Not just recently either, looking back, it's the biggest maze I've ever constructed in my head, and it seems as if all the questions left floating have dead ends. I can't seem to pick the good from the bad until they show their colors. Now even though if they show they're a jerk they're screwed. . . what if that doesn't come out until it's too late? Ugh guys. . .
bastards.
oh leng zai's--when did this become you?
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